Spinster No More

It's true. I've attempted to convince everyone around me that I am not interested in love, for a long time, but when it was right in front of me, I was stubborn and defiant. I came very close to losing it, along with my best friend in the world. While I was trying to sleep, I felt this massive sense of loss and dread. I tossed and turned and thought about what I was giving up. Why was I giving it up? After all, I wanted this once...at the time, he did not, but I knew that I still wanted it, but wasn't sure if I wanted it now...but then, why not now? What was stopping me? Fear. Battle wounds from the last relationship...but T was nothing like the ex...and he knows me better than anyone. I think I can trust him. So I hopped out of bed and poured my heart out into an email, (because I am better at expressing myself in writing) and waited for a response. A couple of hours later, the response came. He was leaving. He didn't want to be around me. He "unfriended" me on FB. I had to let him go. My world went completely dark and gloomy as I realized what I just lost. I looked around as if my whole life had been a dream and now is when it turns into a nightmare, everything I thought I had is gone. I wished for death. I didn't want to keep going without him. It was the most intense pain I had ever experienced. I cried for a while and then decided to make one last attempt to keep him. "I don't want you to go! I love you. I want you to stay. Please stay!" SEND.

I cried myself to sleep after taking a handful of sedatives, I felt like taking more, I didn't want to wake up.

Eventually I did wake up, it was late afternoon and the world still felt so empty. I opened my email, just to see, though I was sure that there would be nothing from him. I had driven him away. INBOX. There he is...deep breath...open.

My final attempt to keep him...worked! He didn't expect me to go in after him, but I refused to let him go. It worked! I get to keep him. I get to love him. The world lit up. The blood started to pump again. Everything I thought I lost was there! With him.

He is my true love. My soul mate. He always has been, and now we were together and nothing could bring me down from my high. Nothing has brought me down. I feel good. I feel complete. I feel like I came SO CLOSE to losing the one person I cared about the most.

So, Spinster? No more. I am taking the wheel now. So long readers. A

My Trial

I was a typical depressed teenage girl. Everything was so dramatic, consequences of life's different events were TOTALLY intense and my only defense was crying, which, admittedly didn't get me anywhere. (Except out of trouble.) However, I remember watching "The Wall" the first time, and then the second, and I remember enjoying it, but it was just a movie. Then I watched it a third time and I just so happened to be in an incredibly sad mood. The future was bleak, I'm sure I was suffering from one of many broken hearts, and I was struggling with some underlying monsters as I have written about in past posts. Anyhow, I watched "The Wall" and something strange happened. I seemed to, all of a sudden, relate to this story. Not entirely, but I did and when it got to the end and "The Trial" began I found myself in a panic. I was very secretive, I thought that by allowing my secrets out that something horrible would result from it, (again, teenager), so as I was watching The Trial, I began listening to the lyrics and when it came to the end where it goes

"Since, my friend, you have revealed your deepest fear

I sentence you to be exposed before your peers.

Tear down the wall!"

I'll tell you what, I panicked! That WAS my deepest fear. What would I do? What would people think? How could I ever make people understand? (Teenager! And to be fair, I hadn't told anyone about the sexual abuse, so there's that.)

I panicked and took a handful of my mom's prescription sleeping pills. The next thing I know, I was in the hospital being force fed charcoal and mustard or something, and puking my guts out.

I tell this story because, in the last few years, I have become an open book rather than a pink diary with a cheap metal lock, and I actually feel far less vulnerable. Oh sure, I still do and say stupid things, I have my own momentary lapses of reason where I brood over the outcome for a while, but it's not scary anymore. I would rather say or do something stupid and be honest about it, than keep anything to myself for fear of...whatever the consequences happen to be.

So to anyone who has experienced a momentary lapse of reason on my part, too bad, nothing I can do to take it back and I probably wouldn't even if I could. AND chances are it won't be the last time it happens, but it's OK because I would rather be an open book than be surrounded by a wall. This feels much more free!

Rhyme or Reason

I've been experiencing some interesting feelings and happenings lately. Apparently, things I do or say has an effect on somebody's day or week or month. It's a strange concept for me to take seriously, even though, there have been times when other people had an effect on my day. Even then, however, there is always something hiding underneath all of it. Something in the core of me that has been triggered by that person's words or actions, but I don't think I can honestly say that my day was made better or worse by one person. And yet, somehow, I manage to have an influence over other people, I manage to make them feel better or worse, and not just for a day, but for a while. How can that be? I am a person who is only invested in myself, committed to myself, so how did I get here? There are many people I care about, but I am only committed to bettering my life right now. School, work, art and writing. So how can I be such an influence on anyone? And is there a way of NOT feeling responsible? I can't think of a way. No Rhyme. No Reason.

Rhyme or

Brains and Beauty vs. Just Beauty

Ever notice how guys will put up with a lot more crazy than we do? It's not exactly a riddle needing to be solved, as most men use their penises to make decision regarding females. However, it's funny when they bitch and complain about how crazy the crazy chicks are, and still put up with it, not because they find any value in that particular person's brain but because they are hot. That is all. Let's just be honest, shall we?

Guys are guys. Even the coolest, smartest guys are still guys. Testosterone fuels them. It's cool. We all know how this works.

Personally, I don't feel threatened by such girls, because when it comes down to it, I know I will do so much more important things with what life gave me than they can ever do with their temporary looks...and yes, it's temporary. They will be very pretty for a very short time, and then will have nothing. Perhaps they will have money, which they will spend on surgeries and serums trying to grasp onto their beautiful youth with both hands. But age does not work that way, ladies. We all know this...and if we don't, we will. Oh yes, we will. And like all women, we will try like hell to hang onto our looks with chemical peels, (which I am in total favor of) and creams and anti-aging serum and it may work for a little while. Eventually, however, our beauty and youth will fade and all we will have left is our mind. I plan to have a full reservoir of information when that day comes.

Unfortunately, men get better looking with age, but even with certain medicines, they don't have the physical stamina that women have. Sure, they may look better, and desire the young, hot girls, but they don't have what it takes to satisfy them any longer. They can take pills and extra testosterone, but those medications could kill them, so it depends on how badly they want to perform like a young buck. Mark Twain wrote about this unfortunate phenomena in Letters From The Earth, how men lose their momentum FAR before women do. Women remain very sexual creatures, it never leaves us, and the men just cannot keep up. So what do we do?

How do we get what we need from men who can physically keep up, while not having our youth to lure them?? I'll tell you how...we use our best asset! Our BRAIN! Most of us know how to tempt a guy now, while we are still somewhat young and pretty, it's no different as we age. It's just that we have to change the selection a bit. A guy friend of mine told me once that all men are man-whores. I don't know about other girls, but I cannot stand dumb guys, not even for a night. So I believe that my search for nerdy guys may be the answer...the only thing is that they require some training. See...nerdy guys typically don't have a lot of experience. Once in a while you get a guy who does seem to have learned things through the many hours of pornography he's viewed, but most guys do not learn how to execute the moves they want to use. WE have to teach them how to do it. Just like we teach them how to kiss when we are young, (and in the case of nerdy guys, sometimes we have to teach them how to kiss even when they are older...a bit more difficult but stick with it, it will pay off.), we have to teach them how to be a great, not good, a GREAT lay!
It's our duty. We are helping their future wives by teaching them what they need to know to satisfy their future wives who have probably not had much luck with man-made orgasms. Seriously...this is a REAL problem! I've kissed my fair share of nerds, I mean REAL nerds and the girls, if there were any, have failed me. Admittedly, I did not have the time or patience to spend a lot of time teaching them, and the last nerd (who wasn't really a nerd) was very skilled in all aspects. *sigh* Stay Focused Spinster!

So as a girl who is pretty and brainy, I fully intend to take on a project when I'm at that point where my age catches up with me. For now, I am focusing all of my energy, even my sexual energy (as best I can) on school, on art, on global domination.

Keep it in mind, my fellow beautiful brainy girls! Those super hot girls are going down and staying down. They can have the older, handsome guys who can't keep it up without meds or can't take meds and can only last for 30 seconds! HAHA!

I Know What Boys Like...At Least I Thought I Did.

SO. Since the last time I wrote about my excursions in spinsterhood, (I know it was a while ago) I was "dating" someone who I actually liked. As it turned out, we were just doing the friends with benefits thang. It sucked, but it's fine now. He is still a great friend. No, really. He has helped me through a lot of my drama over the last month, and the truth is, so far, he's been the best lay out of all these boys.
I keep trying out new boys, and aside from my last fling with my FWB, they have all been disappointing. Boys do this thing where they have GIANT BALLS when it comes to text messaging and chatting. In some respect, we all do. However, these boys either chicken out when I call their bluff or show up and are not what I expected or are totally bizarre!
Guys are kind of "monkey-see, monkey-do" characters, so there is a certain list of things I expect to have to deal with thanks to the boys watching far too much porn. I can handle the, ya know, cumming on this or that, I don't really get how that makes it better, but whatever. No harm in it. That being said, I do not understand the more bizarre preferences. For instance, pulling my hair can be OK, not really something that does anything for me really, but if it helps the boy out, then fine. I have strong hair. Covering my mouth so I don't make any noise, including breathing, not so OK. I do not understand it and at that point, I am not sure how to deal with the rest of it. Do I make noise? Do I shut the fuck up?
Then! there is the "fluff girl" roll that is irritating. It really is. I know guys are always worried about cumming too soon, and learning to control yourself in order to go for a while longer is fine. But seriously guys, it does not need to go for more than an hour...really. AND I do not appreciate being snapped at and then you pointing to your dick, as in saying "fluff girl! we need a fluff girl!" Sorry, I am not a trained monkey. Also, when I DO CHOOSE to give a blow job, know this, if you hold my head down and keep trying to push it further down, I will stop. If you make it difficult for me to come up for air, I fill find a way...remember...I have teeth.
And so, at this point, I have given up on two, still trying for one and am keeping the first around for special occasions. He is so easy and agreeable.

Good lord. Spinsterhood is truly exhausting sometimes.

What I Want

Apparently, I do not deserve what or whom I want. So I settle for all the boys lining up to "get to know me" A.K.A. "Fuck Me."

Ah. The life of a spinster. I would feel numb, if I didn't feel so fucking useless. Waste of oxygen.