Thank you spirit guides and thank you S.F.

Finally after wondering for many years of my life, I was able to get a spiritual reading thanks to S.F. and her gift certificate, and at a time when I really needed and appreciated it. I will never forget this.

For a long time now, I've been trying to figure out what i'm supposed to be doing with my life...work, love, animals, everything has been at a standstill for about a year. Ever since my break up, my inner compass has been in a strange vortex, sending me in several directions at once. First thing, as soon as I sat down and relaxed, my shaman said that she saw a totem pole and my spirit guides wanted me have a feather for future prayer and guidance. Apparently I have native blood in me from somewhere and probably was a priestess in another life.

I asked M about my parents, having not heard from them in two days while they were in Mexico, and making myself sick with worry. She assured me that they were ok, frustrated but safe and that my brother was much less stressed. My dad's blood pressure is high which makes sense and that they didn't have access to a phone. I got an email from my mom and she said she won't be calling again before they came home, i'm curious to see if that is why.

My cat, Spike, has some genetic disorder that is making his brain lazy...he needs mental stimulation and is craving fish. So flashlights and fish it is!

I will have two great passions in my life, one will be work, something to do with medicine and animals, as planned, but not planned, there will be a man, who gives me space to do this.

We'll see. All in all it was a great experience.

Thanks

Sunny Days and Epiphanies

The sun is finally out, the old people are soaking it up and are in desperate need of the vitamin D and whatever else the sun provides. Sometimes I think we even benefit from the ultraviolet rays. The scientists don't really know, do they? It's all theory. Besides, they say it ages us, but aren't we supposed to age? Yes, I believe that IS the plan. We are born, we age, we die. So great sun god, bring on your UV rays. Oh wait, I'm actually not outside enjoying the sun, I'm inside sneezing, and blowing my nose and rubbing my itchy eyes. The sun brings out flowers, flowers give off beautiful smells, those smells are caused by pollen. I am allergic to pollen. How unfair that I am not allowed to enjoy a beautiful spring day without suffering for it. Hmm? Suffering for the sake of pleasure. Who was that dude who just walked through the building? Focus!
So I spent the day with T out in the sticks, and it was COLD! Very cold indeed. We obviously had to help each other out by heating things up. I think I had the experience of a born again virgin, because there was similar pain to the first time. That dude just walked by again. --Anyway, so that was that and after my 5th and his 2nd orgasm (ha-ha, I got more.) we realized that condom that he demanded to use had disappeared. That could be considered the "Magic Hat Trick" but I did not appreciate it, as it was no where to be found, which could only mean one thing, there was only one place left it could have disappeared to. Yes, indeed, it had invaded my insides! Explains the pain, but defeated the purpose of using it at all. (Since I didn't want to use one, I say again Ha-ha!) So I went to the bathroom and had to find it and remove it, and proceeded to bleed a while and cramp for a couple of days. But at during that fiasco of realizing how messy and comical sex actually is, I rediscovered my natural ability to disconnect from it, in a healthy way, rather than an obsessive way. After K, I had a hard time because for me, sex was something two people did to express their love for each other...before K, it was just something I did to prove I could. Finally, after so many years of struggling with it, and after a year of being single, I finally can do it and not over analyze it! It's amazing. I feel like I've finally blossomed into a functional woman, I got my snuggle time, I got my T time, I got my orgasm time, I got my OR time and as I drove home, listening to Tori Amos, the epitome of womanhood, I felt powerful and put together. Not in a destructive way, where I wanted to be in control of T, or in a helpless way where I submitted myself to him, (as I did the last time I was there) but rather, I felt powerful over myself, and my own sexuality. It's a glorious feeling to finally have figured it out. The cramping and bleeding and surgery was totally worth it. And thanks to T for sticking with me, helping me to realize that this IS in fact possible. We can still be us, close friends and lovers without making it into something stressful and unhappy. It's truly wonderful and I'm in a good place now. I think life can move forward now without so many fucking questions. Halle-fucking-luhah.

To be or not to be?

Writing for the sake of writing. It's what I have to force myself to do on occasion when I don't have anything to legitimately complain about. There are many things that go through my head, but not much goes through my heart anymore. I feel like I'm disconnected from life, I just wake up and go through the motions until I can go back to sleep. It sounds totally unhealthy, but I swear I don't actually have anything to give a shit about at the moment. I'm going to see T this weekend, maybe that will put some spark back in my life, but it can't be allowed to put too much spark, for fear of obsession. Why am I such an extreme person? Is it really necessary to be so dramatic? Either I care too much, or don't care at all? And when I don't care at all, it makes me feel guilty for it. When I care too much, I try like hell to not care. Hmm? I need to find something I'm passionate about. I need to feel something again. I think my next job, whenever I decide to leave my seniors, will be working with animals. I am getting to be too jaded when it comes to losing people, and death in general. I don't fear it the way other people do, I expect it sooner rather than later. Not saying that I want to die, I just am fully aware than I am going to, so why fear the inevitable? It's silly to fear death. And yet, I struggle to get healthy and stop smoking, and for what? I guess, I don't want to be a statistic as far as dying of diabetes or lung cancer...oh no, that just wouldn't be fittin'. I want to go out with a bang...not a shotgun bang, but a good story...like a snakebite or cougar attack. Whenever I think about doomsday, (and I do quite often), I always imagine surviving it to see what the world looks like after. To be totally alone except for someone across the world who also thinks they are the only one left. With my disdain for society, I wonder if I would miss it? If I would get lonely and search out other survivors? Or would I finally be content with some fucking peace and quiet? Would I have better or worse writing material without anyone stimulating me with their nonsense? At this point, I feel like I need to be away from people and would welcome Apocalypse, but then there are always times when it's nice to see someone smile and laugh. I don't know what I want or don't want...what I feel or don't feel. I only know I'm not happy now and I don't know how to fix it.

Only Desire

The only thing I miss about a relationship with another person is the desire for them. I don't feel that hardly at all anymore. I don't feel the need to make connections with people who I'm going to hurt or abandon. What is the point, exactly?

I am just trying to protect myself. But desire, I miss desire. I miss being desired, I miss desiring someone. I miss the desire to drop everything and get in my car. Although, even if I had the desire, there really isn't anyone to drive to. Hmm...a dilemma.

Beyond Nostalgia...this is Humility

Recently I've been reconnecting through the likes of Facebook and Myspace, and at first it was just simply fun to find people I used to know and lost touch with. Today, however, the person who found me on Facebook made something else happen...it went beyond nostalgia...a person who I was so close to for a long time, and then just drifted apart from. That happens, I know that. This, however, is a different situation. This person truly missed me when I drifted away. She went on with life and had a lot of experiences, as I did, but when she found me, she made me realize how important she was to me back then, and how I so easily allowed that relationship to become one of those lost relationships. But alas! She forgave me, didn't think anything of it, and it has humbled me a little. I realized that some friendships, such as this one, and several others are unique in that they are established. Carved in wood, like one of those hanging signs over a business. They don't end, they only pause and I'm thrilled for that. Over the years, I felt like so many people have come and gone and that is that...but...you ready for this, cause it doesn't happen often...I WAS WRONG. Yes, there it is. I have always treasured my relationships with true friends, but I had no idea how many I actually had. I feel slightly peaceful for the first time in a very long time. Thanks M.

Wish I wasn't here...

My mother needs me, as much, if not more than the people at my work do...and yet, I cannot be with her. It's making me uncomfortable and anxious.

I'm bored. I'm tired. I need a drink. And there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. Can't I just take a month off work to be home with my mom? No, not unless I want to risk losing my job. FUCK. This is frustrating.

I hate when I hate life.

At the end of the day...

Today one of my residents had declared that she is at her end. I find it difficult to really process it until I absolutely have to, and have a chance to be alone and be myself. While at work, I'm forced to find the balance between being sympathetic and being professional, and at these moments it is easier to simply block it completely. Of course, being around the family of these people I've grown to care so much about, creates further difficulty in that I'm not sure what they expect from me. I had a chance to say goodbye to Rosemary and tell her how much she means to me, which is good, but being around her daughters is harder because I want to comfort them, but as a professional in this business, I have to keep my composure, but I'm wondering if that makes me seem cold. There's no easy solution to this dilemma. I offer my help and company, and that is really all I can do. I go on about my day, without telling my other residents what is going on, and then wondering who will be offended that I did not tell them, if Rosemary passes on during the night and they didn't get the chance to say goodbye. I guess, I will wait and see.