Am I a stalker or just a curious party?

I googled my one crush I've had since my breakup, found his latest twitters about how his wife had roast beef on the table when he got home and blah blah blah. One one hand, I'm happy that he's happy and that the marriage was saved, but on the other, I'm secretly wishing the whole thing would come crashing down so he would become available. "Does it all come down to the thing one girl fears in the night? Is another girl's paradise." Yes, I believe that it does. I wouldn't have wanted a serious relationship with him, I would have just wanted someone to have some fun with, and then I would have gotten bored and moved on, but still...I can't help being a little jealous, considering I came close to catching a great guy.

My hair is now very short, I'm done putting on makeup and tweezing all my body and face hair, I'm so tired of the maintenance of being a girl. I plan on getting some skin products so I can get away with no makeup, which in itself is vanity at it's best, but I can only so fast with this giving up my vanity. It takes time to learn not to care.

Why is Love Such a Great Tease?

If anyone has been reading my blog, you will notice that I've gone from wanting and needing love, to being conflicted with what our society considers traditional love. For one moment I'm craving that passion that comes with new love, but at the same time have a great disdain for the obligation that comes with traditional love. I would like to find love again, but do not want the obligation to call everyday or make time for someone...I don't have the desire for monogamy, I'm not necessarily in need of multiple partners, but passion only survives for a short period of time, and I don't think I should have to sacrifice the best part of love just to be bombarded by tedium of obligation and monogamy. Why does love tease us with passion and butterflies and heat, and then dull after a little while and eventually end up being boring? I don't want boring, I don't want dull, I want hot, pure passion, all the time with the entire relationship. I've heard of people being really great lovers and then they get married and the fire goes out, but can it be possible that nature causes the same game? I want someone to play with, to converse with, to stimulate me mentally and physically, and I want that stimulation to last. Am I asking for too much? Do I have to either accept the inevitable monotony that relationships turn into, or do I have to jump from person to person to keep the passion alive? What are my options exactly? Is comfort important enough to me to sacrifice passion? Does anyone really know? What happens if I cannot accept having to sacrifice passion for comfort? Do I end up a solitary creature? A "lone wolf" as it were? I feel like an outsider from my fellow females, because I do not want marriage and kids, or monogamy and a dull life. Virginia Woolf killed herself, partly from madness, but I believe, partly from boredom...so what now?

The Ever Restless Intellectual Woman

I watched a really powerful movie last night called The Hours. Meryl Streep, Julianne Moore and Nicole Kidman. Nicole Kidman played Virginia Woolf and had a fake nose on and didn't look anything like herself. I attached a picture of her. It was a brilliant and sad movie, but I am amped and inspired by Virginia Woolf at the same time. Shirley is going to give me a copy of one of her books to read.

It's amazing that no matter what time period, as we are learning about the lives of women over the centuries, women are always restless and repressed, and thus unhappy, and all to do with our expected roles in life. It makes me feel like all these years of feeling similar, being sure I didn't want to be the wife and mother everyone expected of me, but being unsure of what I actually did want to do with my life because I always seemed ,eventually, to get bored and restless, I feel a little calmer knowing that women like me have been feeling the same way forever.

Unfortunately, those of us who are not looking to be wives or mothers seem to be stifled by those specific expectations by our mothers and the men in our lives, whether it is our fathers, brothers, uncles, cousins or boyfriends. I am not the marrying kind, no desire what-so-ever to sign my life away to someone else. Nor am I willing to sacrifice myself for a child. I consider child bearing as a death sentence and I choose to survive, at least for now. I cannot imagine a time when I will be unselfish enough to give that much of myself away. I have more important things to do, and the rest of the world seems to have the whole procreation thing under control.

I choose to be creative, everyone else can sacrifice their mediocre minds for mediocre lives.

Thank you spirit guides and thank you S.F.

Finally after wondering for many years of my life, I was able to get a spiritual reading thanks to S.F. and her gift certificate, and at a time when I really needed and appreciated it. I will never forget this.

For a long time now, I've been trying to figure out what i'm supposed to be doing with my life...work, love, animals, everything has been at a standstill for about a year. Ever since my break up, my inner compass has been in a strange vortex, sending me in several directions at once. First thing, as soon as I sat down and relaxed, my shaman said that she saw a totem pole and my spirit guides wanted me have a feather for future prayer and guidance. Apparently I have native blood in me from somewhere and probably was a priestess in another life.

I asked M about my parents, having not heard from them in two days while they were in Mexico, and making myself sick with worry. She assured me that they were ok, frustrated but safe and that my brother was much less stressed. My dad's blood pressure is high which makes sense and that they didn't have access to a phone. I got an email from my mom and she said she won't be calling again before they came home, i'm curious to see if that is why.

My cat, Spike, has some genetic disorder that is making his brain lazy...he needs mental stimulation and is craving fish. So flashlights and fish it is!

I will have two great passions in my life, one will be work, something to do with medicine and animals, as planned, but not planned, there will be a man, who gives me space to do this.

We'll see. All in all it was a great experience.

Thanks

Sunny Days and Epiphanies

The sun is finally out, the old people are soaking it up and are in desperate need of the vitamin D and whatever else the sun provides. Sometimes I think we even benefit from the ultraviolet rays. The scientists don't really know, do they? It's all theory. Besides, they say it ages us, but aren't we supposed to age? Yes, I believe that IS the plan. We are born, we age, we die. So great sun god, bring on your UV rays. Oh wait, I'm actually not outside enjoying the sun, I'm inside sneezing, and blowing my nose and rubbing my itchy eyes. The sun brings out flowers, flowers give off beautiful smells, those smells are caused by pollen. I am allergic to pollen. How unfair that I am not allowed to enjoy a beautiful spring day without suffering for it. Hmm? Suffering for the sake of pleasure. Who was that dude who just walked through the building? Focus!
So I spent the day with T out in the sticks, and it was COLD! Very cold indeed. We obviously had to help each other out by heating things up. I think I had the experience of a born again virgin, because there was similar pain to the first time. That dude just walked by again. --Anyway, so that was that and after my 5th and his 2nd orgasm (ha-ha, I got more.) we realized that condom that he demanded to use had disappeared. That could be considered the "Magic Hat Trick" but I did not appreciate it, as it was no where to be found, which could only mean one thing, there was only one place left it could have disappeared to. Yes, indeed, it had invaded my insides! Explains the pain, but defeated the purpose of using it at all. (Since I didn't want to use one, I say again Ha-ha!) So I went to the bathroom and had to find it and remove it, and proceeded to bleed a while and cramp for a couple of days. But at during that fiasco of realizing how messy and comical sex actually is, I rediscovered my natural ability to disconnect from it, in a healthy way, rather than an obsessive way. After K, I had a hard time because for me, sex was something two people did to express their love for each other...before K, it was just something I did to prove I could. Finally, after so many years of struggling with it, and after a year of being single, I finally can do it and not over analyze it! It's amazing. I feel like I've finally blossomed into a functional woman, I got my snuggle time, I got my T time, I got my orgasm time, I got my OR time and as I drove home, listening to Tori Amos, the epitome of womanhood, I felt powerful and put together. Not in a destructive way, where I wanted to be in control of T, or in a helpless way where I submitted myself to him, (as I did the last time I was there) but rather, I felt powerful over myself, and my own sexuality. It's a glorious feeling to finally have figured it out. The cramping and bleeding and surgery was totally worth it. And thanks to T for sticking with me, helping me to realize that this IS in fact possible. We can still be us, close friends and lovers without making it into something stressful and unhappy. It's truly wonderful and I'm in a good place now. I think life can move forward now without so many fucking questions. Halle-fucking-luhah.

To be or not to be?

Writing for the sake of writing. It's what I have to force myself to do on occasion when I don't have anything to legitimately complain about. There are many things that go through my head, but not much goes through my heart anymore. I feel like I'm disconnected from life, I just wake up and go through the motions until I can go back to sleep. It sounds totally unhealthy, but I swear I don't actually have anything to give a shit about at the moment. I'm going to see T this weekend, maybe that will put some spark back in my life, but it can't be allowed to put too much spark, for fear of obsession. Why am I such an extreme person? Is it really necessary to be so dramatic? Either I care too much, or don't care at all? And when I don't care at all, it makes me feel guilty for it. When I care too much, I try like hell to not care. Hmm? I need to find something I'm passionate about. I need to feel something again. I think my next job, whenever I decide to leave my seniors, will be working with animals. I am getting to be too jaded when it comes to losing people, and death in general. I don't fear it the way other people do, I expect it sooner rather than later. Not saying that I want to die, I just am fully aware than I am going to, so why fear the inevitable? It's silly to fear death. And yet, I struggle to get healthy and stop smoking, and for what? I guess, I don't want to be a statistic as far as dying of diabetes or lung cancer...oh no, that just wouldn't be fittin'. I want to go out with a bang...not a shotgun bang, but a good story...like a snakebite or cougar attack. Whenever I think about doomsday, (and I do quite often), I always imagine surviving it to see what the world looks like after. To be totally alone except for someone across the world who also thinks they are the only one left. With my disdain for society, I wonder if I would miss it? If I would get lonely and search out other survivors? Or would I finally be content with some fucking peace and quiet? Would I have better or worse writing material without anyone stimulating me with their nonsense? At this point, I feel like I need to be away from people and would welcome Apocalypse, but then there are always times when it's nice to see someone smile and laugh. I don't know what I want or don't want...what I feel or don't feel. I only know I'm not happy now and I don't know how to fix it.

Only Desire

The only thing I miss about a relationship with another person is the desire for them. I don't feel that hardly at all anymore. I don't feel the need to make connections with people who I'm going to hurt or abandon. What is the point, exactly?

I am just trying to protect myself. But desire, I miss desire. I miss being desired, I miss desiring someone. I miss the desire to drop everything and get in my car. Although, even if I had the desire, there really isn't anyone to drive to. Hmm...a dilemma.