The Backstabbing Bitch

It seems to me that my boss had a plan...give her more work, she will throw a fit, and then we can fire her...ah, but I foiled their nefarious plan with enthusiasm. I believe that my boss is under the impression that I am after her job...Quite the contrary... I would rather be a janitor, than manage a place like this. So many issues and way too corporate to care enough to fix those issues. A certain resident did raise an interesting point, however, saying that the culprit of all these changes is a backstabbing bitch...OK, "backstabbing bitch" is my name for her, but she made the point, all the same. Yes, she is very sweet and cute, and asks me to do extra stuff and then checks, possibly even tries to sabotage my work...oh yes, I'm on the lookout for little things left in just the spot that I may not notice...I find them, suck them up with the vacuum or wipe them off. Yes, keep trying though backstabbing bitch, I will outsmart you every time. I wonder if there is anymore I can do to fool them into thinking I am being SUPER cooperative?? I'm sure I will think of something...already tonight I had to fix an bed sheet incident the backstabbing bitch overlooked. I fixed it and told the resident to tell the boss. Yes, I should definitely take this off my "Favorites". I will be focusing on this conspiracy and updating periodically...it's important not to get too comfortable. I'm totally up for the battle of wits...Backstabbing Bitch vs. The Spinster. It's on!

Shout it From the Mountain Top!

My work sucks. There it has been written! I'm pretty sure that they are trying to weed us out, totally unaware that there are no other jobs...OR, they are doing whatever they want with us because they KNOW there are no other jobs. Either way they are all evil republicans who make far more money than any of us and like to show it off by making us feel small and insignificant. Ah yes, authority. My "superiors" also added several extra hours of work per night, all of which I have to find time to do after the doors are locked. It's not the extra work that bothers me, it's the tone in which it was given to me. As if I'm not doing my part or pulling my weight. Little do they know that there are so many other things that I do here, that are not on the checklist, stuff I just do, for the residents, for my co-workers, even for the families of the residents. They all call on me, and I do it without needing acknowledgment or reward. Does that make me noble? Or does that make me a fool?
Yes, my work has had me sign a new Employee Handbook and there was a whole section on "blogging" and what NOT to say and such. Oh how I would love to shout their company name from the mountain tops and tell everyone how fascist they really are! It also read in the handbook that makeup should look natural and no tattoos should show, hair color should be natural...well! I have a big tattoo showing as I write, and dark red lips. Our bartender has a nose piercing and pink hair. And don't get me started on the boss's makeup. Nothing natural about that, let ME tell YOU. Cleopatra wore less makeup. Man that feels so good. I will have to delete this link off of this work computer now that i've begun talking shit...and oh yes, this IS only the beginning. If they want to treat me like a slave, so be it, I need them, there is no denying it, and I will quietly do my job, and be agreeable. But here, I am allowed to be myself and say what I need to say. I am the spinster. This is MY blog. In the mean time, I need to find something to hit or kick. I'm very pissed off.

What NOW?

I talked to my very first boss today, from when I worked at a music store when I was 16 and we chatted for a while...then I suggested we go get a cup of coffee to catch up... He asked if I was single??? I think he took that as a "let's go get a drink/have a date" sort of thing. S'not good. I'm not trying to date him or anything...I just wanted to catch up with someone I admired. Can the spinster turn this in the direction she wants?! I think I can. Honesty works well. Just as long as it works better than the alcohol. God it's frustrating when you comes to terms with the fact that you are no longer a cool chick to the men in your life, but rather a possible fuck. I got this. I can handle it. Can't I?

The Darkness

Once upon a time, a child was born. She was happy, healthy and apparently loved being alive. She celebrated birthdays and Christmas and enjoyed drawing unicorns and flowers. She had two parents who loved her and gave her a brother to play with and eventually torture, as it should be. Shortly following her eigth birthday however, a darkness fell over her. One day changed her life forever. Her grandparents came for a visit and to drop of LOADS of apples in the old red Dodge Ram. She lined up as usual and was helping to unload the truck. Everyone went inside but her grandfather and her. There was something he needed from her. He walked toward her, took her hand and pulled it toward him, she didn't understand until he pulled it toward his trouser zipper...he gripped her wrist tightly, and she was very confused but then she pulled away and ran inside. She pondered what had just occurred for a few minutes and came to the conclusion that she may have misunderstood. She went inside the house where all the family was, most everyone was in the kitchen making dinner and gossiping about other people's lives. She saw her grandfather sitting on the couch alone and was unsure of how to deal with the incident. She heard her grandfather say to her "Mija, come and sit next to me." Being the good, obedient girl she was, she went and sat next to her grandfather. He put his arm around her, she felt slightly uncomfortable due to the previous encounter with him, but she must have imagined it all....as she is thinking this, her grandfather puts his arm around her, at first, laying his hand on her shoulder, then, as everyone in the house is distracted and congregated in the kitchen, he readjusts himself into another position, and reaches his hand to her adolescent, blossoming breast. He grips it, and squeezes it. She knows that this isn't supposed to be happening and doesn't know what to do. The darkness falls. She tries to pull away from her, as he tries to hold her near him. She tells him "let me go!" He fears being caught and lets her leave. She runs to the kitchen to get her mother. Her mom is busy cooking and tells her to wait a minute. She goes to her room and closes the door. The darkness falls. No longer was she innocent and happy. Now her whole world had become scary and sad. Life no longer was good. From then on, she spends her recess period roaming the soccer field at her elementary school, crying. She cries in the shower before school, she cries whenever no one is looking. The story goes and it goes. From that point, that one day, her world starts. Her dark world, where not even your grandparents can be trusted. She grows into a young woman. She experiences what most girls' experience with the rampant hormones flowing through her body, but cannot let anyone too close. They cannot be trusted. Her first kiss is not special. Her first boyfriend is just someone who she makes out with at lunch time who abandons her then comes back...toxic. High school is just four years of crushing on boys who she would run from if they tried to approach. She has grown into a woman. She knows she needs to cross the threshold of sex. If she doesn't, this may last forever, the darkness. So she finds the one person who can be trusted. He helps her out, and after, she feels free. She isn't. Now, she is going to run away from him, she is going to find others', untrustworthy men who deserve to feel the way she feels. She will love them, she will leave them, she will not acknowledge they exist, let alone, that she has given herself to them. This will go on and on. Man after man, they all deserve to feel rotten. She is in control and taking revenge. Her grandfather is dead. She watched him die. She wanted to tell him how much she hated him. But she didn't. So instead, she would show every man how much she hated him. Darkness. She would wake up the morning after and feel the self-loathing. She hated herself, but she couldn't stop herself. Alcohol brought her monster out into the open, looking for it's next victim. It was insatiable. No matter how much pain she caused others, her monster was never satisfied. She eventually went to therapy, thanks to her mother, who had seen the monster, but not at it's worst. The monster went to sleep, but didn't go away. She spent several years without it...mostly...attaching herself to another toxic man that she felt that she needed to survive. One day, the monster woke up. This man had to go. He was unhealthy for the monster. He only fueled her disappointment in men, but the monster was overtaking her. She knew she needed out, but was afraid of who she would become. Now, she is your author. She is conflicted, always fighting with the monster. She wants to be healthy, she wants to be happy, but she knows she never will see the lightness. The darkness will always loom over her. And the monster is always hungry for it's next victim. She doesn't know any life before that one day with the apples. No memories of being a child. No memories of birthdays or Christmas's' or innocence. Her life began when the darkness fell.

Could it be? A crush?

Well, it certainly doesn't feel like any crush I've had in the past. Perhaps that is a good thing? I definitely feel desire, but I'm not sure if it's HIM I desire, or just someone. We seem to have a lot in common, he's nerdy and smart, he's funny, he has a good job, a place to live, no car- by choice, but it's something I can deal with. However, there are no butterflies, no wondering what he is doing or what he is thinking, if I have a question I need to ask him, I just ask him and he answers. It's a foreign world. I feel like either this is something that could be fun for a while, just for now, or it could be something that is fun for a month. But I don't see it going beyond fun. He's already planning our dates as if we will be having them and I don't feel anything. I can't figure out if I am enjoying the uncomplicated way of this whole thing, or if I just don't have it in me to have an actual crush. See? Just now, I thought of my last crush and my stomach did a very small flip...with this guy, there is no flip. Is that good? Is that bad? Is it just what it is? I hope I can feel the crush thing again. Maybe it will just take personal contact...sure. Why not?

A Momentary Lapse of Memory

I had an exciting moment. I was trying, for some reason to remember his last name, and I couldn't for the life of me remember it...I eventually did, but I was so happy that I am starting to forget him. Thank you God! Or whomever!

The Two Me's

I wonder if my brain is like every other brain out there? I feel like I have two people inside my head and they are in a constant state of disagreement. I need to brush my teeth...OK that's better. Some people are lucky in love, they are natural at it, even if the person they love doesn't love them back, they are always still in love. I think I used to be like that, I always was falling in love. Now, after a year and a half of being single again, I just don't feel anything. OK, that once I was crushing pretty hard, but since then, I don't even crush anymore. What if I'm here in this lonely place forever? Or even worse, what if I DO fall in love again? Will the baggage I have accumulated take it's place and sabotage anything that stands a chance? Will I become just like the boy I resented for bringing his baggage into our relationship? And if I escape the inevitable baggage scenario, when will I finally be able to move on and not compare people to him? When can I get rid of him altogether? God I'm so fucking tired of him invading my life, through my own head! I just want to feel something good again, without being afraid that it will blow up in my face and hurt me again! And aside from that, the relationship was a HORRIBLE relationship, so why am I mourning it? AM I mourning it? Or am I just really bitter from it? It was a good, no a great thing that I got out of it, and such a huge waste of my time, of my life, is that what makes me so angry? Or am I actually upset that our plans didn't work out, because it would have been so, incredibly horrible if I had moved with him. What the hell is my problem, anyway? Do you see what I'm saying about the two people arguing inside my head? One is pissed off that it didn't work out and the other is thanking god that it didn't. One wants to love again and one is scared to death to love again. One wishes my old crush all the happiness with his wife and the other desparately wants him to get divorced so I can have him. This goes for most aspects of life. Always in disagreement. Always.