Not So Dark...

For those of you who had the uncomfortable experience of reading my "When Darkness Falls" post, sorry, it had to be written...however...I came in the house today from smoking on the back porch, there is a wall in the rec room that holds framed pictures of the entire family on both sides. The whole wall is covered. I usually try not to look at it, because immediately, my eyes go directly to HIS picture next to my grandmother's, today I was distracted and my eyes found the most stimulating thing, the bloodline wall, and what was that?? A little piece of gold protruding from the wall, glowing in the low light...it's gone! HE IS GONE! I still see my grandmother's picture from when she was 15, but it's mate is GONE! What about the other one, when they were old...the way I remembered him....holy shit! It's gone as well! My parents took it down! My father took HIS father off our bloodline wall! In case you don't know, it took each of them reading that post in order for my dad to REALLY understand and he emailed me that he now understood that his father was no grandpa, but a monster. That acknowledgment lifted some weight off of my shoulders...my father's decision to remove his pictures off the wall lifted a little more weight. It's not so dark. Thank you.

Beware the Hormones

So for a while, I took this diet pill called Xylestril, which is formulated for women, in order to make losing the stomach fat easier and also is supposed to help control PMS. The problem there is that I no longer have PMS! I take birth control continuously without any 7-day breaks, which means I no longer have a period. Anyone who knew me when I did, knows damn well that this is a GREAT thing. However, because I no longer have those particular hormones flowing through my body, the Xylestril caused a reverse reaction, and actually caused PMS symptoms. All day today, I have been crampy, pissy and at one point, almost cried when a coworker asked me to move my car because it was really inconvenient...yea, I almost cried, then brooded over it all the way home, coming up with different scenarios where I could tell him that he was causing ME inconvenience! "This feels familiar" I thought..."Why am I so upset?"...I wondered. Finally, it occurred to me that I hadn't taken these pills in a long time, and all of a sudden, my body was getting an overload of hormones! FUCK! No FUCKING wonder! No more. I would rather gain 100 pounds than ever be this hormonal ever again. Some of you readers know exactly what I'm talking about...the crying...the hot fudge sundaes, the irrational hair cutting! Fuck that. No more hormones, thanks.

Corporate Gangstas

I find it difficult to relate with our corporate gangstas. They are like a different species, they dress differently, their hair is always perfect, makeup, shoes! Everything in it's place. It makes me wonder how long it takes them to get ready each day. Even the male corporate gangstas are immaculate. Me? My pants are frayed at the bottom of each pant leg, my shirt has small pieces of thread coming out of the stitching, my shoes are muddy, my hair in a ponytail with a business rubber band, you know, the kind that will inevitably get tangled in my hair later. My makeup? Mascara, that is all. These corporate gangstas are constantly trying to get me to join them, but just like in Beauty School, I am not one of them...I don't belong. I've been kicked out of that club many times, and am happy spending only 20 minutes getting ready for work each day. Low maintenance. I hope they don't spot the alfalfa sprouts stuck in my teeth! Ack. Here they come.

Serenity Gone?

I spent about 36 hours in Moclips, WA over the weekend...and in that time, I didn't have a care in the world...seriously, nothing. I walked on the beach, gazed at the stars, had beer with my friend and snuggled with her dog. It was like the whole world just disappeared. It was lovely, in every way...until, that is, I got home. At that moment, the world decided to take a jab at me from every direction! Suddenly, all the sleep I was deprived of caught up to me. I was so tired. I put my dog hair covered blankets in the washing machine, and then took a shower. When I got out of the shower and BAM! My blankets had broken the washing machine! My sopping wet blankets, now had to be taken to a laundromat! A LAUNDROMAT! The simple thought of taking my beloved bedding to a public laundry room made me queasy. I lost my cool. I cried. I panicked. My mom and I went to the laundromat, which was new, and smelled like Tide, and I had the brilliant idea to just wash my blankets to get the soap and bleach out, then take them home to dry them. Brilliant! My panic melted away. It was going to be OK. However, there is still the bag of clothes that need to be washed...Hmm? It's fine, I can do that later. What now? A text message telling me to go check a friend's FB status. Dear lord, it's not good. She is dating a sociopath and we must stop him. On and on it went, it comes with friendship, it's fine. But the worry, the stomach pain, the swimming, awful thoughts, the brooding! It never ends. I think I should take another day off. Just one more day to rest. A phone call...so tired...yes, another day. Finally, sleep, and more sleep, and more sleep. Approximately 15 hours of sleep.
Now, I feel thankful for the 36 hours of peace, serenity, calm. But now back to work. Back to reality, the fast life. Did life just sit here waiting for me to return? Or was it just that nothing significant happened during my time off, and now that I'm back, it has returned as well? Why shouldn't I still feel serene? I kind of do. I did get a lot of rest, I don't feel stressed, my eye cream is working again. Ok, just feel thankful for the time I got. That is my plan. Yes, that should work. Positive thinking, I shall not brood over things I cannot control. Who am I kidding anyway?

The Mystery of the Tattoo

For many years I have been asked "What does your tattoo mean?" and I've never had an answer. It twists and turns and has caused me joy and pain...I knew there was something, I just didn't know what. They mystery is solved. In the last year, I have reunited with many people who I thought were lost from my life forever, just a memory, and threw the social networking miracle, they found me. Through life, our paths have gone in opposite directions, but crossed over here and there, and always circled back around. There are those that are only little blurbs in my memory, and will forever remain there, but those who I have a strong, real connection with, will always circle back to me. My short answer..."The Bonds of True Friendships"

Followers

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Thanks all.

Ocean Air

As each hour passes, here at work, at home, or somewhere in between, regular life gets to be incredibly trying. Every one around me is so busy, all the time. People in their cars in a constant race to get where they need to go, people in lines at the store, never a moment to stop and chat for a moment with the clerk. Admittedly, I am usually like that, I want to get where I'm going, and don't generally stop and chat with the store clerk, however, I never feel like I'm actually in a hurry. Sometimes I feel I might never catch up...The air is hard to breathe in the city and gets harder to breathe as spring approaches, but it's worth it. The trees are starting to bud, the crocus' are poking out of the dirt, the birds are more active, and I do love the spring time. Being in the city, however, makes it really difficult to stop and smell the crocus'. I need ocean air. When I go to the coast, there is nothing that I am in a hurry to do! Especially Moclips, it's so isolated and clean...not the water, mind you, but the rest of it is. Then a short walk to the reservation, a little cove where there is a stream and it's so beautiful and the air is so clean! I cannot wait to get there, or even to be in the car with M and T on our way. Must clear my head of city pollutants, and fill it with clean, ocean air.