Unhappy Servants Makes for Unhappy Customers

A guy goes to community college or trade school, takes a few motivational speaking lectures, and then gets his degree running businesses and voila! A bureaucrat is born! Yes, the business school bureaucrat. He shows up one day to run a business...my business. The business of old people. This isn't a retail store, this is not a real estate company. We are in the business of making people comfortable in their last stages of their lives. We make them feel comfortable, give them whatever they need to be happy, we smile, we love, we care. Money is for the accountant to deal with. Now, they are bribing us with ten dollar gift cards to convince people to move in.
I remember working for what used to the Bon Marche, and somehow got stuck in the fine china department. Plates with platinum lining, were $100 each! There was no way I could convince anyone that I believed it to be worth the money. I didn't. I knew I was not in my element, so I clocked out for lunch, went out for a smoke, instead, got on a bus and went home. I had to go.
This job is all about the people. I believe they pay too much and that at times they are being swindled...I will not participate. These are real people, with feelings who are at a crossroads in their lives, and I will not see them as giant dollar signs. Nope. I will find a new source of employment before I try to be a sneaky, snaky bureaucrat.
The boss is a jackass. We all know it. We all see it. We are unhappy about it. The residents are unhappy that we are unhappy.

Venting

As of the 23rd of this month, I will no longer be able to conceive unwanted children. That is awesome, I cannot wait.
My new boss at work is kind of, I'm not really sure. We had our first meeting with him and he said some good things, and is going to make the dining staff get CPR/First Aid certified, which they should have been when they got hired. But he is ignoring my building of independent living seniors. I brought up the concern that at night if someone has an emergency, the doors are locked and the medics cannot get in. I heard the usual response..."Well, they ARE independent." Yes, but they still pay a lot of money to live here, and one of the amenities is having 24-hour security and staff available. It only takes one bad night to turn a fully independent person into needing assisted living services. He took my pager away, and is going to leave all the paging to the caregivers, cause that worked out so well on Sunday, when NO ONE responded to a smoke warning...finally I had to do it, even though it was the other building. It makes me feel uneasy. It makes me want to leave. I am now waiting for something horrible to happen at night, after I leave. Sometimes it sucks to care so much. It really does.
I am applying for scholarships, grants and general breaks in tuition costs. I can take Anthropology courses online through OSU, and that would be fine. I do however, need to rethink my work. This place, these people take up so much of my life, I don't know that I will be able to hold on to the class information. Still working on it. I'm exhausted.
Looking forward to an old friend coming home.

Embracing the Chaos?

I am feeling many different emotions at the moment. I feel sad, because I heard a song that reminded me of Kerry. I'm feeling contemplative because of my future plans and current situation. I feel like talking to someone, however, I don't know what I would say, and the only two people available are cynical and make a lot of jokes...one makes more jokes than the other, but they are the only ones awake now. I feel like crying because of it all. I need to write to try to get it all out of my head. I don't really have anything specific to say...I feel...blank. I feel like a piece of paper that has on it, too many scribbles to make out anything that can be called a picture. I feel pain. My body is making clear it's exhaustion. I feel like I could use a hug. I don't feel like being touched. I feel like I am in desperate need of someone who can hug me without it being weird. It used to be easier when times were less complicated...before a long, drawn out hug led to sex. Sex is great, but it's not what I need...being held is what I want and need. I feel sad that I push people away who might have been available to hold me. I feel sad that the rest can't be trusted. I feel sad for the resident who's story of childhood and adulthood was so incredibly horrible, and wish she could have experienced love. I feel sad that Georgia isn't around. Georgia would have understood. I feel sad that my babies really want me to go lay down and snuggle and that I'm not ready to yet. I feel sad that I only have a couple hours each day to really spend with them. I feel angry that my job takes up so much of my fucking time that even the idea of school makes me more exhausted. I feel like I am wasting time. I feel like it would make it better if people just knew. I feel excited and sad that I won't have children. Only slightly sad...mostly excited. I wish my body would stop hurting. I hate money. I hate that I NEED money. I hate that I work hard to make money, and give it all away to vendors and bill collectors. Ok, bill collectors don't really get any...some do. The important ones. I wish I had done better. I don't regret doing it poorly. These things plague me. My brain is overloaded with puzzles that I can't seem to solve. Maybe it's not time to solve them. Maybe I'll know when it IS time. Maybe not, and I will miss my opportunity. Maybe my birth control is finally wearing off after 3 years and I'm simply PMS-ing? Who knows. Who EVER knows? I am happy that I didn't misspell one word.

Buddha Ruse

I was watching a program about The Buddha the other night, and I really admire the basic way of thinking by Buddhists. I would hear something so incredibly obvious, that I would say to myself "I should start paying attention and following some of these teachings." Then just a second or two later, I my other self would say "No WAY! You are an activist! You get mad too easily and worked up and feel like fighting to death for your beliefs!" The two me's were throwing punches inside my head all night. I want to be at peace and enjoy life and nature and all it's miracles...but so many people are destroying it that I have to fight for it's right to BE!...but life is going to happen the way it is going to happen, and I have no control over this, so why not sit back, breathe deeply and take it all in...BECAUSE I have a job to do! I have a purpose for being on this earth! Not just to sit back and relax, but to fight to make it a better place!

It gave me a headache! All this fighting, one of me wanting desperately to do what I (believe) was put here to do! And my other me, finding so much logic in Buddha's teachings, nodding in agreement. Is that what he is so smug about? Because he KNOWS how much it makes sense and how HARD it is to practice such peace? I looked over at my Jade Buddha, with his fat belly and big grin, and wondered until I fell asleep.

I've read a lot of the bible, as much as I can, and continue to learn about the bible, not for the sake of enlightenment, but just for entertainment. It fascinates me. Such wild stories! But I NEVER feel like any of it applies to me. I've opened my mind to other religions and beliefs and some of them are sort of understandable, and some are simply bat-shit crazy, and others are so far from everything I believe in, I avoid it like the plague. I've never felt like I've been searching for any spiritual guidance. I feel like I have an agreement with nature, or god, or whatever...and a lot of it is so similar to Buddhist teachings...but the activist in me, the one who is going to Africa to fight against people trying to destroy such beauty, cannot just sit back and accept it. I think that might just be the point. That is why Buddha is so fucking smug...because I HAVE to find my own enlightenment. We all do. No one can tell us what we NEED to know to get to enlightenment. No man, no deities, no texts. (As you may have noticed, I have just figured this out NOW, as I write.) Ok then. Off I go.

When Nothing Helps

Mourning is something that is natural for several instances in life. The loss of a friend or family member, either by death or just a final fight. The loss of what you hoped was your "forever" person. The loss of a pet (for me, that's the worst of them). These things require certain feelings. Nobody can make you NOT feel those feelings. And yet, we plead to NOT feel these extreme emotions. Anything! Alcohol, drugs, sex, sitting in a dark room, going out and pretending nothing is wrong. We fight grief so much, but are we making it worse in the end? I've been through a lot in life. I've lost friends to death, friends who were much too young. I've lost family members who were too young, and some too old. I've lost the person who I believed was my "forever" person. I've lost pets, too soon and as planned. No amount of condolences can make it any better, or make sense of it all. Hugs seem to make it worse...and yet people are so quick to hug you when you are grieving. (I am guilty of that at work.) No amount of alcohol makes it go away, often it makes you feel it even more. Whenever I lose a pet, I go straight to the liquor store...I get a bottle of coconut rum and Barq's root beer and drink and cry. When I realized that my "forever" person had been lying to me for years and would never come through on any promises or plans, and I fell out of love, I didn't cry. But I was pissed! That wasn't the plan. Later, of course, I realized that it was the best thing that could have happened, and I just wish I would have figured this out sooner. Nevertheless, nothing helped. It didn't help when my friends told me how horrible he was, and that they never liked him. That made it a lot worse. How could I have gone so long and been so blind??? Made me feel stupid and duped. And yet, that is what I heard over and over. "I never liked him." or "He wasn't good enough for you!" Well, what does that say about me? Eventually, we move on. Scarred and battered from all those hard, sharp emotions, I made it. Bitter and jaded...but with a new focus. I realized that people die. People disappoint. Pets die. And there isn't a damn thing we can do about it, but to feel each emotion, no matter how sharp it is, and how much blood it draws, and then after we have bled and cried as much as we can, the next thing to do is to find something to focus on. A purpose of our own. Not be a part of someone else's purpose. But find YOUR reason for being here. What are YOU going to do with your talents and time?? I have figured mine out. What's yours?

Oh...an important side note: Don't forget about the people you CAN count on. They are few and far between, but we all have a couple. Even when nothing they say makes it better...don't forget to find them when you need them.

Intentions

My intentions for my life are not noble or brave. I simply want to do something significant with my time on earth. Not for the sake of recognition or praise, but for the sake of feeling like I've done something selfless. I WILL go to Africa, I WILL fight the poachers who kill protected animals for the sake of medicine and food. I WILL dedicate my life to something I believe in. It will not be profitable, it will not be safe, and I would be happy to die while doing what I know to be the right thing to do. I am not made for marriage and children. I am not made to own real estate. I do what I do, because I want to help those that cannot help themselves. We were lucky enough to be allowed to inhabit the earth, and yet we continue to destroy it and everything else that lives with us. I am not sure that God exists. I have no idea if what I believe is true. But I will do what I have to do anyway. Because I truly believe that there is a greater purpose for me being here. I have to believe it. The time has come to stop worrying about things like love and vanity. It's time to start my task. It begins now.

Imagine the Tedium part I

If anyone has ever had a horribly boring job before, where you felt like you were doing nothing of importance, just menial and routine tasks day in and day out, contributing absolutely nothing to the world...just imagine for a moment being retired. Imagine having worked for 30, 40 or 50 years at the same job, providing for your family, and maybe not changing the world, but at least pulling your own weight. Then one day, it's your retirement day. All of a sudden, your purpose in life has changed. People tell you to "Relax! Enjoy your freedom!" but you still wake up at the same time every morning, drink your coffee, eat your oatmeal or eggs and bacon, and then just when you would normally be getting in your car to head to work or heading to the bus stop, you look around and realize that you have nowhere you need to be...nothing you have to do today. The kids have long since left the nest, your spouse is gone, or incapable or just too damn old and tired to want to travel or get together with other retired friends. Day in and day out, you look around trying to find a way to contribute to the world, but at every turn there is someone wanting to do it for you. It frustrates you because you are perfectly capable of doing it yourself...ok maybe not, but you are going to at least try. Then after a year or two, the tedium of retirement catches up to you. Retirement...pfft! Retirement was supposed to be your golden years, when you could sell the house, pack the RV and head across the country, or go on cruises around the world. But the stress your body has gone through after having done the same menial tasks for 30 or more years makes it impossible to enjoy being free. Aches and pains plague you, you cannot enjoy that wine tasting because your sense of smell is failing you. Your doctor is concerned about your heart, and having so much faith in the docs word, you follow the low sodium dietary restrictions, so there goes the taste of food. Your telephone can't get any louder without waking up the neighborhood, but you cannot hear high pitch noises any longer, as your hearing is failing. You pick up the newspaper every morning and struggle to read the tiny print...I swear the print used to be bigger. No it was never any bigger, your eye sight is failing you. I would like to go for a walk but it's so cold for May! No it is actually warmer than usual, only your skin has gotten thin and blood flows slower, and therefore your body has lost some of it's natural ability to regulate your body temperature...you get colder, faster. Maybe if we move to a retirement community, where we can meet other retirees and play bridge and go to dances and have parties with people our own age. So you do, your spouse kicking and screaming all the while, not wanting to rot at the death factory! So you get to this new life, a new apartment to decorate with all your old furniture but less space...no matter, it's a new beginning. Indeed. You go for your first meal and walk into the dining room and suddenly, you have a Deja vu...holy shit! It's the first day of a new school all over again! Where do you sit? With whom? Of course, just your luck, you choose a table with a single, old man sitting there. You go to sit in a chair across from him and you hear "I don't want you to sit there!" you reply "I'm really a very nice person." The old man responds "Well I'm not!" so you move on. Find a group of ladies who sound a little like a flock of birds, you sit and they welcome you. This is fine. It will be fine. Your spouse decided to stay home for the meal, bring something home for me! You spend your meals trying to keep track of the conversation that seems to be going all over the place. They cannot hear each other! You make it through the meal, somehow not choking on the piece of meat the kitchen tried to pass off as pork roast, though there is no amount of low sodium gravy that could make that into pork roast. You bring a to go plate with a ham sandwich and some potato chips for the spouse. It's 8:00 p.m. and almost time for bed. But why? I don't HAVE to get up at 5! because it is just the way you do it. Because it's always the way you've done it, and always will be.