A Wise Man Once Told Me...

That I didn't always need extremes to be a good writer. And by assuming that that was the case was a sign of narcissism. That may be true, however, this is my blog, and I created it in order to get all the things inside my head, out. There have been many changes in the last few weeks and as anyone who knows me will tell you, I do not like change. So, for the sake of my sanity, my blog will continue on the path of narcissism. As I mentioned at some point, i'm sure, I am seeing a new guy. He's still great, however, I am not sure what, if anything, I should expect. I'm trying to have no expectations at all. It's working so far. Then I enrolled in college, to get a degree in Computer Science Web Design. Snore...I know. Not my first choice, however, I need to make money so I can not live with my parents forever, although, I honestly don't believe they want me to leave...EVER. And yet, they will still not let me have my guy over unless it is totally innocent. I find it ridiculous and old fashioned, but they won't budge. My dad might, but my mother will not. As any of my readers know, I had to put one of my beloved cats to sleep. I am still very sad and angry and spend at least a part of the evening crying each day. It was for the best. It doesn't make me miss him any less however. Had a bit of a blow out with a close friend who just ran off to Europe, and we still haven't discussed anything. Again, not something i've spent a lot of time worrying about, but there it is. i'm too tired to keep going, dear readers. I must sleep now.

For Spike

You just gave me that look, the one that you always give me whenever I'm crying..."Whatsa matter mommy? Wanna snuggle?" I wonder if you know that I'm crying over you? If you do, it doesn't seem to matter, you still came and snuggled in behind me in the computer chair, just like always. You have done this with every boy I've cried over, every mistake I've made, every friend I've lost, you have always been there to make me feel better, and you always do! And now, things are changing for both of us, you are going to go on and be free of pain and sickness, and I'm going to be here, missing you. You are a special little man, I'll tell you that. I've been though this before with Alex, and I loved Alex, but it didn't hurt this much. When Baby died suddenly, I thought I would die too, but you were there to make the pain a little easier to swallow, and now I know Missy, Elijah, Lucy and Suzy will be here to help ease the pain, but I'm not sure how they get it. Niko, keeps giving me a look of sympathy, but I don't know if he knows. He isn't mine. He just lives outside. I know that life will go on, as it always does, however, I don't think it will ever be the same. I'm so happy J wanted to stop at that pet store, and so thankful that you were there! That you chose me! And that you stuck with me through all the bullshit, all the moves, all the friends, all the boyfriends, through everything. You made every day a little bit better, and I hope you had a good life as well. I tried my best, I really did. I know other people enjoyed your company as well. You are so special and mommy loves you so much! I will never forget you or stop loving you or missing you. My little prince! Rest now. Mommy will be OK.

Fuck that!

It wasn't even all my fault!

Shame

The spinster strikes again. I don't know why I keep doing this. I had no intention of saying what I said or doing what I did. I really didn't. It's like part of me wants there to be drama and pain, however, it certainly isn't the part of me that is experiencing the enormous sense of shame right now. I hate myself sometimes. Every time I close my eyes, I have a flash of some moment and then feel the shame all over again. FUCK. If I could take off my own head for a few hours, it would make life a lot easier. Did I destroy something that I cherished? I may have. I hope I didn't, but I wouldn't be surprised. Stupid Spinster!

As It Turns Out...

Tonight turned out to be an extreme night, after all. I know what I said. I know what I agreed to. And I know what happened in the end.

All I need now is to spend the night with my man. My NOW man. The one who is easy.

I don't know that I can do what I agreed to do. I guess I AM a narcissist. Then again, it is MY blog, and therefore, shouldn't it be about ME?

I'm exhausted. Lucy has met Spike, Elijah and Fuzz, and in the next week I will bring her inside. I will also, in the next week, try like hell to forget about tonight. To forget about everything except what is happening NOW. It IS my blog. I will write what I feel, when I feel it. Whatever it may be. This is my legacy. My thoughts, written out for all to read. '

This spinster is indeed a narcissist. So be it.

Why Does There Gotta Be A Sacrifice?

*Disclaimer* Anything I say in this post is probably fueled by some out of control hormones, so bear with me. Thanks! *
That's what I thought...however, this new person in my life is surprisingly easy to sleep next to. He doesn't snore. He doesn't smell. He snuggles me when I cannot fall asleep. He is all around awesome and I am trying like hell NOT to look for the faults, and have been successful thus far! As he sleeps in my Missy's spot, I'm still happy that he's here. Missy will be fine. She will have me all to myself for the next few nights.
On a different note, the pizza business isn't paying off like I hoped it would. I have an opportunity to reenter the rat race and make a lot of money for it. Thanks M. So we shall see how that goes.
Hmm...a new boy, a possible new job, (if I make enough money) a new apartment?
I really am appreciative of my parents and all they have given me, however, I MUST get the fuck out of here! I'm 32 years old and I need my own space. Admittedly, when they were on the East Coast this last month, we had a great time without them. It was nice having freedom to do what we wanted, when we wanted, with whomever we wanted! Both J and I did not want them to come home.
I thought I was at a crossroads when I left my job with the old people, however, I think the crossroad is still presenting itself to me.
I lost an ex-resident the other day. It was the first time since I left there. So sad. I will be attending the catholic funeral on Wednesday, which will be around 4 hours, I presume. Ah well, it's worth it for Kathie. She was a lovely lady! I keep hearing her voice inside my head. She used to accidentally call me Miranda, even though she knew my name. I loved it. Her husband, now a widower, is also awesome and I hope he sticks around for a bit. They were married for a really long time, however, and who knows if he can get along without her. Growing old seems so unfair. Then again, if we didn't grow old, who knows if we would LEARN as much? I am convinced that with an open enough mind, by the time we get old, we know just about everything. The key is to keep the mind OPEN. Take it all in! Don't be satisfied knowing what you know! Must keep learning and growing, even though you feel too tired to keep learning. Is that the Murphy's Law people are always talking about? When you get to a certain age, you stop caring to learn anymore? Or do you simply know EVERYTHING you are ever going to KNOW for sure?

One thing I KNOW for sure...is that there is a sweet, wonderful man in my bed and I really want to go snuggle with him. Although, he stole my pillow, I will manage. He really IS a wonderful person. He helps me to forget about all the other lovers I've ever had. It's a really nice feeling. AND...I'm just going with the flow, not worrying about whether he will offer me a commitment or whatever. I'm having a great time. He's a great kisser and great in bed, and aside from that, what would having super high expectations get me? NOTHING. It would drive him away. So I make a conscious effort to just be myself. Funny how it takes so much work to be NORMAL!

Wish me luck. I'm off.

Spinster.

What The Hell Am I Doing???

No idea! I just did something that is highly irregular, for this spinster. I told the truth. About my feelings. This could be bad...or it could be good. I only know that I am tired of being afraid of life, love and everything in between. I might die tomorrow or in a year, I have to live life. I must. Ok. Here we go...the next chapter in this spinster's book of life...stay tuned!