Beyond Nostalgia...this is Humility

Recently I've been reconnecting through the likes of Facebook and Myspace, and at first it was just simply fun to find people I used to know and lost touch with. Today, however, the person who found me on Facebook made something else happen...it went beyond nostalgia...a person who I was so close to for a long time, and then just drifted apart from. That happens, I know that. This, however, is a different situation. This person truly missed me when I drifted away. She went on with life and had a lot of experiences, as I did, but when she found me, she made me realize how important she was to me back then, and how I so easily allowed that relationship to become one of those lost relationships. But alas! She forgave me, didn't think anything of it, and it has humbled me a little. I realized that some friendships, such as this one, and several others are unique in that they are established. Carved in wood, like one of those hanging signs over a business. They don't end, they only pause and I'm thrilled for that. Over the years, I felt like so many people have come and gone and that is that...but...you ready for this, cause it doesn't happen often...I WAS WRONG. Yes, there it is. I have always treasured my relationships with true friends, but I had no idea how many I actually had. I feel slightly peaceful for the first time in a very long time. Thanks M.

Wish I wasn't here...

My mother needs me, as much, if not more than the people at my work do...and yet, I cannot be with her. It's making me uncomfortable and anxious.

I'm bored. I'm tired. I need a drink. And there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. Can't I just take a month off work to be home with my mom? No, not unless I want to risk losing my job. FUCK. This is frustrating.

I hate when I hate life.

At the end of the day...

Today one of my residents had declared that she is at her end. I find it difficult to really process it until I absolutely have to, and have a chance to be alone and be myself. While at work, I'm forced to find the balance between being sympathetic and being professional, and at these moments it is easier to simply block it completely. Of course, being around the family of these people I've grown to care so much about, creates further difficulty in that I'm not sure what they expect from me. I had a chance to say goodbye to Rosemary and tell her how much she means to me, which is good, but being around her daughters is harder because I want to comfort them, but as a professional in this business, I have to keep my composure, but I'm wondering if that makes me seem cold. There's no easy solution to this dilemma. I offer my help and company, and that is really all I can do. I go on about my day, without telling my other residents what is going on, and then wondering who will be offended that I did not tell them, if Rosemary passes on during the night and they didn't get the chance to say goodbye. I guess, I will wait and see.

Bring Me My Dinner, Bitch!

The dynamic of the married couple is astounding to me. I watch my senior citizen couples who have been married since the stone age and at first, they seem sweet and gives a spinster like me hope that marriage can work and be wonderful. But then, as time passes by, I realize that these couples who are still married are, in fact, just as a close friend of mine describes every relationship. There is the controller and the controlled. Generally, it seems the woman is the controller, and the man the controlled. But that is because the majority of people in this place are women, and therefore, an accurate study is not possible. The widows all claim that their husbands were saints, wonderful men who took very good care of them. But the couples who are still both alive and together have a different story. The resentment is very apparent in these couples. Imagine being controlled for 60 years of your life by one person. For some people, this relationship could be a parent, but for most it is a spouse. I'm not sure if the controller experiences as much resentment as the controlled, but it is definitely there. I only know three couples, at this point in my life, who seem to have it together right now, although, if I look closer, the signs of inevitable resentment is sprouting in all three. I wonder, if "T" is right? If we had another relationship, he says I would be the controller, even though, I am pretty submissive in general, and so is he, but he claims he would submit to being controlled. I am pretty damn positive that I do not want anything to do with that dynamic. He says that it is just the way things progress when you label a relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend, and then fiancees, and then husband/wife, that as those labels are placed, the relationship turns into the controller/controlled dynamic. Why does a healthy relationship between two people who care for one another have to morph into the less extreme version of master and slave? Is there a way to be with the person you love without letting it evolve into a resentful, drawn out path of unhappiness? The last time I tried, I played the slave role, I was under the control of someone else, and am struggling to find my footing now. I would not be any happier if I were the controller, because I think that a relationship should be an equal partnership of two people who want to be around each other. But no matter how many books I read, and how many hopeful couples I come across, I see the same thing over and over and it makes me want to avoid it all and remain the spinster that I am. Then again, to remain in the same place all the time is to stunt evolution of the human mind, and we can't have that. My goal, aside from finding an apartment that won't suck me dry financially, is to figure out how to make a good thing last, and not let it fall into that pattern of resentment and inevitable disdain for your life partner, and all that unhappy shit. It seems like a grueling task, but I have to try...to be continued...

Cheers to a New Year!

The new year is upon us and I have hope for it. I will be with friends and family, am hoping to start a new life this year. I am anxious to move on to a brand new year without the 200 pounds that were weighing me down for the last five years. Yes, it will be a good year. Am I trying to convince myself of this? No, I already have. I'm excited to pursue my new life. CHEERS!

Great Expectations...

I put an ad on Craigslist calling all geeks. I got over 70 responses in 24 hours and thought I'd hit the jackpot, though many of them were not what I was looking for, or I was not what they were looking for. I did meet a couple of keepers from the pile of emails, as if emails are capable of piling, and even decided to meet one that I was particularly fond of. We have a lot in common, he's smart, funny and cute...and "getting divorced"? As usual, I took that to mean actually getting divorced, like the papers are signed and all that. So after several emails and phone conversations, I decided to meet him in person for a drink after work. We had a great evening together, talked for a couple of hours, had a first kiss and I went home. Elated as I was, I noticed that something in him had changed. He had not changed, which was refreshing, because most guys do, but he didn't seem as excited as he was at first. We had made plans for a second date, or so to speak, and I asked him to be my date for New Year's Eve and he accepted...but then, he started to write. I'm happy he was able to see the benefit of putting your soul out on paper, or computer screen rather, but as he reflected, he began to question whether or not to go "crawling back" to his estranged wife. And it was then, I realized that I was, yet again, putting myself at risk of being hurt. I have been in this situation before and although in that case, I didn't really like him that much, I still was hurt by the whole situation, and I had to wonder why I expect so much from other people and don't expect much FOR myself. Why do I keep sabotaging myself? So we both decided, after my prompt, to step back until he figures his shit out, and I felt a little sad. He truly is a catch, but is all conflicted and I just am going to lose. He said IF he signs the divorce papers, he would call, but should I even allow myself to be available? He never lied, he was up front about it all, even about his feelings regarding his marriage and such, but I feel defensive now, and I am not sure what to think about it all. I really liked him, and I felt a tiny bit of heartbreak when it was over...in fact, it was the first time in a long time I really liked someone. So do I expect that I will ever see him again...?? I'm not so sure. It seemed like the perfect plan, I place an ad calling all geeks and nerds, I find a couple to keep around and hopefully connect with someone, and I have, don't get me wrong. I have a new friend who I like talking to, but I'm not sure what his expectations are of me. I've been hurt 3 times in the last year, including the most recent, and I'm wondering if I am being too defensive or what? Maybe just having a friend to talk to is all I really should expect right now. Maybe I shouldn't be out in the dating world. What if I'm still damaged? What if everyone is too damaged to deal with my damaged soul? Maybe I'm just rationalizing because I'm still a little miffed that I can't seem to get the knack of this whole dating thing. My relationships are ALWAYS so dysfunctional, maybe I am doomed to be the spinster in distress forever and ever. Gawd, how depressing. Maybe my expectations are way too great, and all my fantasies are ruining my attempts at reality.

What the fuck am I doing wrong?

Genuine Imitation Leather

Me...ever the oxymoron. I try to hard to be genuine, as much as I can be whilst being entirely fake. I had an entire day and an entire night with him, and had fun, my intentions were simple. I wanted to have a good time, without getting too attached or emotionally involved...I succeeded, but at what cost? He hugged me and kissed me as if it was the first day of the rest of our life and I just wanted him to leave me alone. He told me he wasn't sure where he would be tomorrow, if he would still be here, or if he would be across the country...I pretended to be supportive and to care one way or the other. I find myself reverting back to being the girl I was 6-7 years ago. Cold, detached, selfish until someone I cared about got hurt. I do care about this one, he is sweet, smart, GENUINE! He shared his philosophy with me, he shared his body and soul with me...As for me? I shaved my legs, painted my toenails, stocked up on condoms and alcohol in preparation of getting laid. That was my only goal, to get him into bed. I did not expect philosophy and emotions, I expected to party, have sex, then be done. Instead, there is another man out there that got way more from me than he expected and enjoyed all of it, and me, a woman who got way more than I wanted from him and now is not sure how to deal with it. I want to care about him, more than just another person, but I am not capable of it, I don't feel anything...not for him. There is the other man that I crave, that I love, that I want to be with forever, but he wanted me to date other people and explore the world beyond him, so I am, I did. I cried a few different times when no one was watching, whether out of guilt or heartbreak, I'm not sure, but I cried quite a bit, all about the fact that I can't have who I want and don't want who I have. And yet, I act like I want them, I pretend to care about their lives, their problems, their philosophy...and I fool them all the way through it. Genuine imitation. Why don't they understand that no one and nothing can be a genuine imitation of anything! I can be who they think I am temporarily, but ultimately, I'm an imitation of a genuine person. I don't know that I can avoid hurting someone who is already vulnerable and weak. But Goddammit all I wanted was to have a good time...why can't I turn this off? Why can't I turn that on? Why is he the only person who DOESN'T want me??? They are lining up...any of them I want, I just say the word and I can have them...but I want him. Do I continue to pretend? Why is it that he is the only one who would have an answer for me? I need him more now than ever.