What NOW?

I talked to my very first boss today, from when I worked at a music store when I was 16 and we chatted for a while...then I suggested we go get a cup of coffee to catch up... He asked if I was single??? I think he took that as a "let's go get a drink/have a date" sort of thing. S'not good. I'm not trying to date him or anything...I just wanted to catch up with someone I admired. Can the spinster turn this in the direction she wants?! I think I can. Honesty works well. Just as long as it works better than the alcohol. God it's frustrating when you comes to terms with the fact that you are no longer a cool chick to the men in your life, but rather a possible fuck. I got this. I can handle it. Can't I?

The Darkness

Once upon a time, a child was born. She was happy, healthy and apparently loved being alive. She celebrated birthdays and Christmas and enjoyed drawing unicorns and flowers. She had two parents who loved her and gave her a brother to play with and eventually torture, as it should be. Shortly following her eigth birthday however, a darkness fell over her. One day changed her life forever. Her grandparents came for a visit and to drop of LOADS of apples in the old red Dodge Ram. She lined up as usual and was helping to unload the truck. Everyone went inside but her grandfather and her. There was something he needed from her. He walked toward her, took her hand and pulled it toward him, she didn't understand until he pulled it toward his trouser zipper...he gripped her wrist tightly, and she was very confused but then she pulled away and ran inside. She pondered what had just occurred for a few minutes and came to the conclusion that she may have misunderstood. She went inside the house where all the family was, most everyone was in the kitchen making dinner and gossiping about other people's lives. She saw her grandfather sitting on the couch alone and was unsure of how to deal with the incident. She heard her grandfather say to her "Mija, come and sit next to me." Being the good, obedient girl she was, she went and sat next to her grandfather. He put his arm around her, she felt slightly uncomfortable due to the previous encounter with him, but she must have imagined it all....as she is thinking this, her grandfather puts his arm around her, at first, laying his hand on her shoulder, then, as everyone in the house is distracted and congregated in the kitchen, he readjusts himself into another position, and reaches his hand to her adolescent, blossoming breast. He grips it, and squeezes it. She knows that this isn't supposed to be happening and doesn't know what to do. The darkness falls. She tries to pull away from her, as he tries to hold her near him. She tells him "let me go!" He fears being caught and lets her leave. She runs to the kitchen to get her mother. Her mom is busy cooking and tells her to wait a minute. She goes to her room and closes the door. The darkness falls. No longer was she innocent and happy. Now her whole world had become scary and sad. Life no longer was good. From then on, she spends her recess period roaming the soccer field at her elementary school, crying. She cries in the shower before school, she cries whenever no one is looking. The story goes and it goes. From that point, that one day, her world starts. Her dark world, where not even your grandparents can be trusted. She grows into a young woman. She experiences what most girls' experience with the rampant hormones flowing through her body, but cannot let anyone too close. They cannot be trusted. Her first kiss is not special. Her first boyfriend is just someone who she makes out with at lunch time who abandons her then comes back...toxic. High school is just four years of crushing on boys who she would run from if they tried to approach. She has grown into a woman. She knows she needs to cross the threshold of sex. If she doesn't, this may last forever, the darkness. So she finds the one person who can be trusted. He helps her out, and after, she feels free. She isn't. Now, she is going to run away from him, she is going to find others', untrustworthy men who deserve to feel the way she feels. She will love them, she will leave them, she will not acknowledge they exist, let alone, that she has given herself to them. This will go on and on. Man after man, they all deserve to feel rotten. She is in control and taking revenge. Her grandfather is dead. She watched him die. She wanted to tell him how much she hated him. But she didn't. So instead, she would show every man how much she hated him. Darkness. She would wake up the morning after and feel the self-loathing. She hated herself, but she couldn't stop herself. Alcohol brought her monster out into the open, looking for it's next victim. It was insatiable. No matter how much pain she caused others, her monster was never satisfied. She eventually went to therapy, thanks to her mother, who had seen the monster, but not at it's worst. The monster went to sleep, but didn't go away. She spent several years without it...mostly...attaching herself to another toxic man that she felt that she needed to survive. One day, the monster woke up. This man had to go. He was unhealthy for the monster. He only fueled her disappointment in men, but the monster was overtaking her. She knew she needed out, but was afraid of who she would become. Now, she is your author. She is conflicted, always fighting with the monster. She wants to be healthy, she wants to be happy, but she knows she never will see the lightness. The darkness will always loom over her. And the monster is always hungry for it's next victim. She doesn't know any life before that one day with the apples. No memories of being a child. No memories of birthdays or Christmas's' or innocence. Her life began when the darkness fell.

Could it be? A crush?

Well, it certainly doesn't feel like any crush I've had in the past. Perhaps that is a good thing? I definitely feel desire, but I'm not sure if it's HIM I desire, or just someone. We seem to have a lot in common, he's nerdy and smart, he's funny, he has a good job, a place to live, no car- by choice, but it's something I can deal with. However, there are no butterflies, no wondering what he is doing or what he is thinking, if I have a question I need to ask him, I just ask him and he answers. It's a foreign world. I feel like either this is something that could be fun for a while, just for now, or it could be something that is fun for a month. But I don't see it going beyond fun. He's already planning our dates as if we will be having them and I don't feel anything. I can't figure out if I am enjoying the uncomplicated way of this whole thing, or if I just don't have it in me to have an actual crush. See? Just now, I thought of my last crush and my stomach did a very small flip...with this guy, there is no flip. Is that good? Is that bad? Is it just what it is? I hope I can feel the crush thing again. Maybe it will just take personal contact...sure. Why not?

A Momentary Lapse of Memory

I had an exciting moment. I was trying, for some reason to remember his last name, and I couldn't for the life of me remember it...I eventually did, but I was so happy that I am starting to forget him. Thank you God! Or whomever!

The Two Me's

I wonder if my brain is like every other brain out there? I feel like I have two people inside my head and they are in a constant state of disagreement. I need to brush my teeth...OK that's better. Some people are lucky in love, they are natural at it, even if the person they love doesn't love them back, they are always still in love. I think I used to be like that, I always was falling in love. Now, after a year and a half of being single again, I just don't feel anything. OK, that once I was crushing pretty hard, but since then, I don't even crush anymore. What if I'm here in this lonely place forever? Or even worse, what if I DO fall in love again? Will the baggage I have accumulated take it's place and sabotage anything that stands a chance? Will I become just like the boy I resented for bringing his baggage into our relationship? And if I escape the inevitable baggage scenario, when will I finally be able to move on and not compare people to him? When can I get rid of him altogether? God I'm so fucking tired of him invading my life, through my own head! I just want to feel something good again, without being afraid that it will blow up in my face and hurt me again! And aside from that, the relationship was a HORRIBLE relationship, so why am I mourning it? AM I mourning it? Or am I just really bitter from it? It was a good, no a great thing that I got out of it, and such a huge waste of my time, of my life, is that what makes me so angry? Or am I actually upset that our plans didn't work out, because it would have been so, incredibly horrible if I had moved with him. What the hell is my problem, anyway? Do you see what I'm saying about the two people arguing inside my head? One is pissed off that it didn't work out and the other is thanking god that it didn't. One wants to love again and one is scared to death to love again. One wishes my old crush all the happiness with his wife and the other desparately wants him to get divorced so I can have him. This goes for most aspects of life. Always in disagreement. Always.

Am I a stalker or just a curious party?

I googled my one crush I've had since my breakup, found his latest twitters about how his wife had roast beef on the table when he got home and blah blah blah. One one hand, I'm happy that he's happy and that the marriage was saved, but on the other, I'm secretly wishing the whole thing would come crashing down so he would become available. "Does it all come down to the thing one girl fears in the night? Is another girl's paradise." Yes, I believe that it does. I wouldn't have wanted a serious relationship with him, I would have just wanted someone to have some fun with, and then I would have gotten bored and moved on, but still...I can't help being a little jealous, considering I came close to catching a great guy.

My hair is now very short, I'm done putting on makeup and tweezing all my body and face hair, I'm so tired of the maintenance of being a girl. I plan on getting some skin products so I can get away with no makeup, which in itself is vanity at it's best, but I can only so fast with this giving up my vanity. It takes time to learn not to care.

Why is Love Such a Great Tease?

If anyone has been reading my blog, you will notice that I've gone from wanting and needing love, to being conflicted with what our society considers traditional love. For one moment I'm craving that passion that comes with new love, but at the same time have a great disdain for the obligation that comes with traditional love. I would like to find love again, but do not want the obligation to call everyday or make time for someone...I don't have the desire for monogamy, I'm not necessarily in need of multiple partners, but passion only survives for a short period of time, and I don't think I should have to sacrifice the best part of love just to be bombarded by tedium of obligation and monogamy. Why does love tease us with passion and butterflies and heat, and then dull after a little while and eventually end up being boring? I don't want boring, I don't want dull, I want hot, pure passion, all the time with the entire relationship. I've heard of people being really great lovers and then they get married and the fire goes out, but can it be possible that nature causes the same game? I want someone to play with, to converse with, to stimulate me mentally and physically, and I want that stimulation to last. Am I asking for too much? Do I have to either accept the inevitable monotony that relationships turn into, or do I have to jump from person to person to keep the passion alive? What are my options exactly? Is comfort important enough to me to sacrifice passion? Does anyone really know? What happens if I cannot accept having to sacrifice passion for comfort? Do I end up a solitary creature? A "lone wolf" as it were? I feel like an outsider from my fellow females, because I do not want marriage and kids, or monogamy and a dull life. Virginia Woolf killed herself, partly from madness, but I believe, partly from boredom...so what now?