My Trial

I was a typical depressed teenage girl. Everything was so dramatic, consequences of life's different events were TOTALLY intense and my only defense was crying, which, admittedly didn't get me anywhere. (Except out of trouble.) However, I remember watching "The Wall" the first time, and then the second, and I remember enjoying it, but it was just a movie. Then I watched it a third time and I just so happened to be in an incredibly sad mood. The future was bleak, I'm sure I was suffering from one of many broken hearts, and I was struggling with some underlying monsters as I have written about in past posts. Anyhow, I watched "The Wall" and something strange happened. I seemed to, all of a sudden, relate to this story. Not entirely, but I did and when it got to the end and "The Trial" began I found myself in a panic. I was very secretive, I thought that by allowing my secrets out that something horrible would result from it, (again, teenager), so as I was watching The Trial, I began listening to the lyrics and when it came to the end where it goes

"Since, my friend, you have revealed your deepest fear

I sentence you to be exposed before your peers.

Tear down the wall!"

I'll tell you what, I panicked! That WAS my deepest fear. What would I do? What would people think? How could I ever make people understand? (Teenager! And to be fair, I hadn't told anyone about the sexual abuse, so there's that.)

I panicked and took a handful of my mom's prescription sleeping pills. The next thing I know, I was in the hospital being force fed charcoal and mustard or something, and puking my guts out.

I tell this story because, in the last few years, I have become an open book rather than a pink diary with a cheap metal lock, and I actually feel far less vulnerable. Oh sure, I still do and say stupid things, I have my own momentary lapses of reason where I brood over the outcome for a while, but it's not scary anymore. I would rather say or do something stupid and be honest about it, than keep anything to myself for fear of...whatever the consequences happen to be.

So to anyone who has experienced a momentary lapse of reason on my part, too bad, nothing I can do to take it back and I probably wouldn't even if I could. AND chances are it won't be the last time it happens, but it's OK because I would rather be an open book than be surrounded by a wall. This feels much more free!