When Music Became Relevant

Do you remember when a certain song became an official part of your soundtrack to your life? For me, there are so many songs, that I forget about them, until I hear them again, and then WHOOSH, the memory comes flooding back! It plays like a movie inside my head, every little detail, every emotion, good and bad, like it happened yesterday. Music is funny that way. I found a magical place called Lala.com and they seem to have EVERY song that is on my life soundtrack! So much fun. So much pain. I have heard songs that remind me of friends who have long since passed to the other side, and some too young and some too old. I remember great loves, heartbreak, crying, fantasizing and being bitch slapped back to reality. Some memories are just of me in my car I was driving at the time that the song or album or artist became a permanent part of my life, or riding in someone else's car when it became a memory. Some times a song would make me feel happy, sometimes angry, sometimes would console me, and sometimes would tell me to get over it. Music is funny like that. As Jerry Garcia sang "Lately it occurs to me, what a long, strange trip it's been" indeed.

Threat

The thing about being a single woman, for me, a spinster and wishing to stay single, is that I am viewed as a threat to other women. I totally understand, but it doesn't suck any less. The thing women need to understand is that I have been on all sides of a bad relationship...I've been the mistress, I've been the cheater and I've been the cheated-on. I have no intention of ever being any of those again. Once upon a time, I was out for blood...out to destroy the beauty of relationships or what I considered to be delusions. Then I was in a relationship, (which turned out to be an actual delusion), and was threatened by another woman and she was the demise of the delusion. This was a horrible feeling, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone...OK, mostly. Nevertheless, I am no longer out to hurt people. I want people to be happy, even if I don't believe in relationships for me. Being in love and being loved is important for everyone, I will never be the one to destroy that...unless it is a dangerous situation that a loved one is in, then I will destroy it!

I Don't Have the Hands for Popcorn!

It's true. Most people can pick up a bunch of popcorn, then use their tongues to put pieces into their mouths...not me! I can only pick up one piece at a time, and then very carefully, put the piece of popcorn into my mouth, and hold my hand there until my mouth closes, or else the popcorn will jump out of my mouth and land on the floor. When I go to dump a bag of popcorn into a bowl...escapees are jumping out at every angle...onto the floor. I'm not sure why the popcorn thinks the floor is a safer place than my mouth, but popcorn has no desire to go into my mouth. If I even attempt to pick up a handful of popcorn, all but one piece will land on the floor, the last will start in my mouth, then jump into my cleavage or onto the floor. I don't know why. Maybe I don't flatter the popcorn as much as I should...after all, I'm not a huge fan of popcorn, and for 15 years I was allergic to it. So maybe if I sweet talk the popcorn, it will stop trying to escape. Or maybe, I just don't have the hands for popcorn.

Sacrifices

As a self-proclaimed spinster, I realize that I have given up on a lot of things in life that we as humans seem to strive toward. When I made my decision about my future plans in Africa, I was fully aware that I had just given up on ever getting married or having long lasting love. I'm not saying that I won't fall in love again, that seems to be something I cannot control (I hate that!). However, seeing as how my goal is to dedicate my life to save the lives of animals that need help, it doesn't mean that I don't mourn my sacrifice. I watch movies about love and happy endings, or growing old with someone and I can't help but mourn what I have chosen to sacrifice. Once upon a time, all I wanted was to get married and breed, but things change a person and that is okay! I know in my heart that I wasn't meant to do all of that...that there is a greater purpose for my existence, and yet, I still cry at the romantic scenes in movies and at real weddings, and not because I'm so happy that they lived happily ever after, but because I know it is something I will never experience. I cry because I grieve. The heart of a hopeless romantic paired with the mind of a spinster.

Not So Dark...

For those of you who had the uncomfortable experience of reading my "When Darkness Falls" post, sorry, it had to be written...however...I came in the house today from smoking on the back porch, there is a wall in the rec room that holds framed pictures of the entire family on both sides. The whole wall is covered. I usually try not to look at it, because immediately, my eyes go directly to HIS picture next to my grandmother's, today I was distracted and my eyes found the most stimulating thing, the bloodline wall, and what was that?? A little piece of gold protruding from the wall, glowing in the low light...it's gone! HE IS GONE! I still see my grandmother's picture from when she was 15, but it's mate is GONE! What about the other one, when they were old...the way I remembered him....holy shit! It's gone as well! My parents took it down! My father took HIS father off our bloodline wall! In case you don't know, it took each of them reading that post in order for my dad to REALLY understand and he emailed me that he now understood that his father was no grandpa, but a monster. That acknowledgment lifted some weight off of my shoulders...my father's decision to remove his pictures off the wall lifted a little more weight. It's not so dark. Thank you.

Beware the Hormones

So for a while, I took this diet pill called Xylestril, which is formulated for women, in order to make losing the stomach fat easier and also is supposed to help control PMS. The problem there is that I no longer have PMS! I take birth control continuously without any 7-day breaks, which means I no longer have a period. Anyone who knew me when I did, knows damn well that this is a GREAT thing. However, because I no longer have those particular hormones flowing through my body, the Xylestril caused a reverse reaction, and actually caused PMS symptoms. All day today, I have been crampy, pissy and at one point, almost cried when a coworker asked me to move my car because it was really inconvenient...yea, I almost cried, then brooded over it all the way home, coming up with different scenarios where I could tell him that he was causing ME inconvenience! "This feels familiar" I thought..."Why am I so upset?"...I wondered. Finally, it occurred to me that I hadn't taken these pills in a long time, and all of a sudden, my body was getting an overload of hormones! FUCK! No FUCKING wonder! No more. I would rather gain 100 pounds than ever be this hormonal ever again. Some of you readers know exactly what I'm talking about...the crying...the hot fudge sundaes, the irrational hair cutting! Fuck that. No more hormones, thanks.

Corporate Gangstas

I find it difficult to relate with our corporate gangstas. They are like a different species, they dress differently, their hair is always perfect, makeup, shoes! Everything in it's place. It makes me wonder how long it takes them to get ready each day. Even the male corporate gangstas are immaculate. Me? My pants are frayed at the bottom of each pant leg, my shirt has small pieces of thread coming out of the stitching, my shoes are muddy, my hair in a ponytail with a business rubber band, you know, the kind that will inevitably get tangled in my hair later. My makeup? Mascara, that is all. These corporate gangstas are constantly trying to get me to join them, but just like in Beauty School, I am not one of them...I don't belong. I've been kicked out of that club many times, and am happy spending only 20 minutes getting ready for work each day. Low maintenance. I hope they don't spot the alfalfa sprouts stuck in my teeth! Ack. Here they come.