Alice...in Wonderland?

"Backward, forward, outward, inward, bottom to the top, never a beginning there can never be a stop!"

It's just how I'm feeling tonight. I'm on my 5th beer and going to finish the 6-pack. Then going to watch the Disney version of Alice in Wonderland. Then will hopefully have animated dreams that make sense of this crazy world.

Here's to hoping!

Cheers!

A Very Merry Unbirthday to You

This country and all of it's crazy antics and the crazy antics of it's people is beginning to make me feel as confused as when I read Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass.

Nonsense...so much absolute nonsense is crammed into the day, it makes my head hurt. This civil rights issue with the immigration and Joe Leiberman asking to take away citizenship if you are associated with questionable groups, the back and forth...the angry tea partyers against the ever growing angry "regular" people. Nonsense against Common Sense. Again, it reminds me of the nonsense that came out Lewis Carroll's head...The Lion and the Unicorn...fighting in a giant cloud of dust...

http://frank.mtsu.edu/~rbombard/RB/Texts/LookingGlass/ch7.html

You can read it for yourself.

`The Lion and the Unicorn were fighting for the crown:
The Lion beat the Unicorn all round the town.
Some gave them white bread, some gave them brown;
Some gave them plum-cake and drummed them out of town.'

`Does -- the one -- that wins -- get the crown?' she asked, as well as she could, for the run was putting her quite out of breath.

`Dear me, no!' said the King. `What an idea!'

EXACTLY! All of this nonsensical fighting isn't doing anyone any good! It's a futile fight! Elephants against Donkeys, fighting for something that neither of them will ever own! What an idea! What an idea indeed! It never ends...it never will end. But how do we make sense of it? Really? There is a Jewish congressman trying to take away our basic rights as a citizen? Of being a citizen if we read the wrong newsletter or book or email the wrong person?? A JEWISH congressman?? Does he not realize that that idea is SO Third Reich-esque that it is sickening?

None of it makes any sense. The teapartyers are just as absurd as the Mad Hatter and March Hare...before they are even really gaining momentum of fighting a battle, they lose interest and move on to something else. "CLEAN CUP, CLEAN CUP, MOVE DOWN!"

And somewhere Keith Olbermann is the Chesher Cat telling us to stop trying to make sense of all of this and just go with it.

The rest of us are Alice, incapable of dealing with so much nonsense, more than any person can digest. And we get discouraged and wiped out. So exhausting! Everyday is the start of a campaign. Imagine just ONE birthday every year! Ah, but there are 364 UNbirthdays, precisely why we're gathered here to cheer! I guess so. Everyday is something else. Some more nonsense to try to comprehend.

It's too much. These days Rachel Maddow isn't even able to talk me down from my confused and aggravated state. I just get more aggravated and then drink. And then try to conclude some metaphor in order to make any sense out of any of it. It's barely keeping me afloat. Barely.

Ch-ch-ch-Changes...

Well I got the job. As I came to work today, I felt a little sad, but also excited. Last night I was outside smoking, and I glanced at my reflection in the sliding door and I could see my eyes. My eyes were bright, and I hadn't seen that in a long time. Later as I brushed my teeth, I glance at myself again, and my eyes were bright and brown. For so long my eyes have been dull and lifeless. I didn't have makeup on, there was no good lighting...but there they were. My eyes. The eyes I remembered from before my ex sucked the life out of them...and before I spent my nights worrying about 200 old people. The light is back. This is going to be great. I can feel it. And I've already been offered a Lola sitting job, my part time dog. When making the decision to leave, I did take into account the animals that I've made such good friends with, it will be hard to leave Gabby, and she seems to already know that things are changing. Since her dad died, she spends most of the day with me at my desk. But she knows that I love her. And it turns out that at least 3 of my favorite residents are moving out as well, so it all just makes sense. Yes, change, at least this change is going to be good. And I get to dog sit Lola...that's her. This is gonna be great!

Menstruation

"Never trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die!" Indeed. It's been 3 years since I last had a period, and I can honestly say I DID NOT miss it. This is most horrible. The pain alone is close to unbearable, the irritability almost caused a murder earlier today, but the worst part, by far, is the bleeding. I seriously should be unconscious by now. How can there be so much blood??? Amazing.

I would think that once the fallopian tubes are blocked off, the ovulation process should cease. It really should. However, as nature has shown us time and time again, that no matter how much we fuck with it's course, it will always win in the end. Maybe my body is making up for lost time due to my own messing with nature through birth control pills for the last 3 years? I don't know. I do know that I am not happy. Chocolate helps boys! It truly does. For 10 minutes today I forgot that I was in agony and enjoyed a rich, chocolaty lava cake. I felt giddy and wonderful...like the last time I menstruated and my mom gave me an Oxycontin. Bliss! No pain! No worries! And then it was over.

I went to the store to buy my "products" and had been out of the loop so long, I forgot the brand and type I preferred. I did however, find a PMS medicine that was made my a company that figured out that putting a mild sedative in the medicine would decrease the chances of a homicide...it's brilliant really. So I take two of those every 4 hours or so, and I might can manage the rest with other pills. Ibuprofen. Acetaminophen. Aspirin. Careful when you stand up, make sure everything is in place! FUCK.

This is mother nature at her worst. Cruel and unusual punishment for what?? For being female? It's not right! Stella Artois helped a little. But I don't even have the proper underwear for this anymore. Must make a trip to Target to get my "Period underwear"...yes that's right boys...we have to have special underwear that can be abused and stained by mother nature in all her cruelty. Bitch. And you too MOON. You also are a BITCH. And thanks to both of you, SO AM I!

Wish me luck on my job interview tomorrow. I want to call and reschedule, but I that would give the impression that I ALWAYS call in sick when I'm bleeding. Which I don't. This job could be perfect...I only have to use my good customer service skills for about 5 minutes for each customer. I will spend most of my time in my car and can be a bitch there, and fake it for 5 minutes at a time. It will be good. I can fake it through my interview. I COULD call and say that this is my first period in 3 years, so it's particularly horrible, but no, too much information for a guy who might be my boss. He doesn't deserve that. It will be fine.

Ok, I've officially been sitting in this position for too long and must stand up, slowly, and go back to bed and finish watching Weeds. Careful, careful, ok.

Disclaimer: I thought about apologizing in advance for this to my male readers, but fuck it...you don't have to experience it, and might learn a thing or two from my brutal and graphic honesty. Chocolate. Chocolate. Keep your mouth shut. Chocolate. You're welcome.

The Rat Race

When I was in my 20's I was job hunting and I saw that Bon-Macy's was hiring...Now just Macy's. So I filled out an online application, got an interview, and they were so impressed that they offered me my choice of where I wanted to work. Had a chosen to work in the back, I might still be there today, but probably not. I chose to work in Housewares. They put me in Fine China and Glassware. Plates lined with Platinum that sold for $100 EACH...PER PLATE. So imagine wanting an entire set? $1000 at least. Glassware by Calvin Klein, Kate Spade, Vera Wang....I don't even remember...it was fucking ridiculous. WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER PAY THAT MUCH FOR DINNERWARE??? You can go to Target and get everything you need for a hundred dollars! I spent my first day in awe of the different champagne flutes, trying like hell not to break anything...talk to my mom and she will tell you that this spinster should never be allowed around fine china. I dusted it carefully, and made it shine. Didn't make a single sale the whole day. I didn't care. I was scared of customer service, because there was no way I could EVER convince someone that paying so much for dinnerware was a good idea. NEVER. My second day, I looked around and wondered what the fuck I was doing there? I made it through. I went out to smoke and found myself in the midst of the downtown rat race. The last place I wanted to be. My third day, I parked my car, caught the bus downtown, clocked in, dusted, shined, sold some glass Swarkofski bullshit trinket and came to a realization that I did not belong. I decided maybe if I went to lunch it would be better...I clocked out...stepped outside into the rat race...a bus stopped and it was headed toward my car....I got on it....got to my car and never went back...except to get my last paycheck which was very uncomfortable. I almost forfeited it. Almost. I dressed up with hoodies and sunglasses and got my check, THEN never went back. I hate the rat race. I don't belong in it.

Taking Steps...Leaps...Bounds

Well, I did it. I went during work to turn in my application to deliver pizza for a wonderful pizza place. It's two blocks over from where I work now, which means if the people here order pizza, I might be their delivery person. It's perfect. Ok, no need to get my hopes up. But I have an interview at 4 on Saturday. My kinda time. And it's way better money than I make here. And I can pet sit for my old people here, and go to work...and get paid for it all the way around.

I must put an end to these nightmares. Staying awake until 5am every night/morning having the image of my new fat cat manager poking my back with a metal rod is no way to live. This is the time. This is always the time. When I start having nightmares about work, it's time to go.

I've always wanted to deliver pizza for a living. It certainly is less life-consuming than what I'm doing now. Just me and my car and the smell of awesome pizza. Why not? I'll see what my dreams have to say about it tonight and the moon is always honest with me.

I've experienced this before. The end of a chapter always begins with nightmares of continuing the chapter. I've never been one to stay stuck in a rut for too long. Yes, this could be really good.

The Randall to My Dante

Was talking to T last night and when talking about work, he quoted "Clerks" at me. When Randall is telling Dante that he's such a pussy and never stands up for himself. I told T that I have an inner Randall, but at work, I'm forced to be Dante. And being Dante sucks. And my Randall is constantly arguing with my Dante.

Randal Graves: So, your argument is that title dictates behavior?

Dante Hicks: What?

Randal Graves: The reason you won't let me use your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right?

Dante Hicks: Exactly.

Tabloid Reading Customer: I saw one, one time, that said, "The next week, the world is ending." And in the next week's paper, they said, "We were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a koala-fish mutant bird." Crazy shit.

Randal Graves: So, I'm no more responsible for my decisions here than, say, a Death Squad soldier in Bosnia?

Dante Hicks: Oh, now, that's stretching it. You're not being asked to slay children or anything.

Randal Graves: Yeah, not yet. [takes a drink of water]

Tabloid Reading Customer: And I remember this one time- [Randal spits water at him]

Tabloid Reading Customer: I'm going to break your fucking head! You fucking jerk-off!

Dante Hicks: Sir! Sir, I'm sorry! He meant to hit me.

Tabloid Reading Customer: Yeah, well, he missed!

Dante Hicks: Yeah, I know. Here, let me refund your money, and we'll call it even, alright?

Tabloid Reading Customer: I'll never come in here again. [to Randal]

Tabloid Reading Customer: And if I see you again, I'm gonna break your fucking head open! [Randal salutes him as he leaves]

Dante Hicks: What the fuck'd you do that for?

Randal Graves: Two reasons. One, I hate it when people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.

Dante Hicks: Oh, Jesus!

Randal Graves: And two, to prove a point. Title does not dictate behavior.

Dante Hicks: What?

Randal Graves: If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit water at that guy. But I did. So, my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Even though I work in a video store, I choose to go rent movies at Big Choice. Agreed?

Dante Hicks: [gives Randal his car keys] You are a danger to both the dead and the living.

Randal Graves: I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.

Dante Hicks: Please, get the hell outta here.

Randal Graves: You know I'm your hero.

Yep. Randall IS my hero...I wish I could spit water at stupid people. I don't think that my title dictates my behavior. However, my inner Dante is always behaving as his title dictates.

I have to find a new title. I have to find something to make both of them calm. They are at war right now. Also, I have my new boss, in my head, poking me with something sharp...in my head, I can see him, with a metal rod, poking me in the back and smirking. "What DO you DO here???" And my Randall response is "Nothing" but my Dante response is "I am here because you pay me to be here, even though once I get here, there is nothing to do. But in case there is someone who needs something from me, I'm available." My inner Randall whispers "PUSSY".

Yes. Time for a new title.