The Randall to My Dante

Was talking to T last night and when talking about work, he quoted "Clerks" at me. When Randall is telling Dante that he's such a pussy and never stands up for himself. I told T that I have an inner Randall, but at work, I'm forced to be Dante. And being Dante sucks. And my Randall is constantly arguing with my Dante.

Randal Graves: So, your argument is that title dictates behavior?

Dante Hicks: What?

Randal Graves: The reason you won't let me use your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right?

Dante Hicks: Exactly.

Tabloid Reading Customer: I saw one, one time, that said, "The next week, the world is ending." And in the next week's paper, they said, "We were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a koala-fish mutant bird." Crazy shit.

Randal Graves: So, I'm no more responsible for my decisions here than, say, a Death Squad soldier in Bosnia?

Dante Hicks: Oh, now, that's stretching it. You're not being asked to slay children or anything.

Randal Graves: Yeah, not yet. [takes a drink of water]

Tabloid Reading Customer: And I remember this one time- [Randal spits water at him]

Tabloid Reading Customer: I'm going to break your fucking head! You fucking jerk-off!

Dante Hicks: Sir! Sir, I'm sorry! He meant to hit me.

Tabloid Reading Customer: Yeah, well, he missed!

Dante Hicks: Yeah, I know. Here, let me refund your money, and we'll call it even, alright?

Tabloid Reading Customer: I'll never come in here again. [to Randal]

Tabloid Reading Customer: And if I see you again, I'm gonna break your fucking head open! [Randal salutes him as he leaves]

Dante Hicks: What the fuck'd you do that for?

Randal Graves: Two reasons. One, I hate it when people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.

Dante Hicks: Oh, Jesus!

Randal Graves: And two, to prove a point. Title does not dictate behavior.

Dante Hicks: What?

Randal Graves: If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit water at that guy. But I did. So, my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Even though I work in a video store, I choose to go rent movies at Big Choice. Agreed?

Dante Hicks: [gives Randal his car keys] You are a danger to both the dead and the living.

Randal Graves: I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.

Dante Hicks: Please, get the hell outta here.

Randal Graves: You know I'm your hero.

Yep. Randall IS my hero...I wish I could spit water at stupid people. I don't think that my title dictates my behavior. However, my inner Dante is always behaving as his title dictates.

I have to find a new title. I have to find something to make both of them calm. They are at war right now. Also, I have my new boss, in my head, poking me with something sharp...in my head, I can see him, with a metal rod, poking me in the back and smirking. "What DO you DO here???" And my Randall response is "Nothing" but my Dante response is "I am here because you pay me to be here, even though once I get here, there is nothing to do. But in case there is someone who needs something from me, I'm available." My inner Randall whispers "PUSSY".

Yes. Time for a new title.