The Explosion

Sometimes it needs to happen. Too much pressure will always make things explode. Apologies to my readers for getting so intense, however, now that I've said what I needed to say, rather, written what I needed to write, I feel much better.
I woke up today, feeling hungover and wiped out...so I slept for a little while longer and then felt better. I got the call today that I was expecting, and officially have a new job. I'm super excited. This new chapter in this spinster's life is going to be a great one. I've already decided that I will be paying off my debt, which isn't too big, and then hopefully by next year, I will be moving back to the city and out of the family house. I will be making enough to not only live alone, but live comfortably. It will be great.
Yes, indeed...this is going to be a wonderful year!

Continued...

"She won't help the hungry, once a month at your tombolas, she'll simply take control, as you DISAPPEAR!"

Dear Parents...

It is YOUR fault that this is happening. You think you are so great, with your civil rights movements and marches! You, fucking baby boomers. You hippies turned to YUPPIES. Yuppies! The world used to be important to you. The country used to be important to you. Equal rights used to be important to you. Then, one day, you finished college. You got a job, and a mortgage, and a wife and had kids...You bred neurotic insomniacs! Oh yes. You left us a world full of problems. A society that continues to punish people for being who they are. Who GOD made them! And you bred lovers and haters. Activists and nay-sayers! And now we have to deal with all this bullshit! We lose sleep because of you! Do you even care anymore??? Now that you have the mortgage and electric bills, cell phones and foodsavers?? Does it matter anymore? Or are you only concerned with who wins on American Idol and The Amazing Race? Is Jack Bauer your hero?? Really? Are you even AWARE that all this other bullshit is going on?? Do you know that the weight of the world rests on MY shoulders? On ALL of our shoulders??? Do you still expect Mother's Day presents and Father's Day presents??? WHY>? Because you gave birth to us? Because you fertilized the egg? With all the important things that should have been done to make our world a BETTER place rather than this crazy place that we are dealing NOW? FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUR MARCHES, FUCK YOUR ACTIVISM! It was all just a something to do while you were searching for your PERFECT mate. We will deal with this. We will stop all this nonsense. We will stand by as your American Dream kills our planet! And we will prevail! FUCK YOU, BABY BOOMERS! YOU SUCK!

Alice...in Wonderland?

"Backward, forward, outward, inward, bottom to the top, never a beginning there can never be a stop!"

It's just how I'm feeling tonight. I'm on my 5th beer and going to finish the 6-pack. Then going to watch the Disney version of Alice in Wonderland. Then will hopefully have animated dreams that make sense of this crazy world.

Here's to hoping!

Cheers!

A Very Merry Unbirthday to You

This country and all of it's crazy antics and the crazy antics of it's people is beginning to make me feel as confused as when I read Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass.

Nonsense...so much absolute nonsense is crammed into the day, it makes my head hurt. This civil rights issue with the immigration and Joe Leiberman asking to take away citizenship if you are associated with questionable groups, the back and forth...the angry tea partyers against the ever growing angry "regular" people. Nonsense against Common Sense. Again, it reminds me of the nonsense that came out Lewis Carroll's head...The Lion and the Unicorn...fighting in a giant cloud of dust...

http://frank.mtsu.edu/~rbombard/RB/Texts/LookingGlass/ch7.html

You can read it for yourself.

`The Lion and the Unicorn were fighting for the crown:
The Lion beat the Unicorn all round the town.
Some gave them white bread, some gave them brown;
Some gave them plum-cake and drummed them out of town.'

`Does -- the one -- that wins -- get the crown?' she asked, as well as she could, for the run was putting her quite out of breath.

`Dear me, no!' said the King. `What an idea!'

EXACTLY! All of this nonsensical fighting isn't doing anyone any good! It's a futile fight! Elephants against Donkeys, fighting for something that neither of them will ever own! What an idea! What an idea indeed! It never ends...it never will end. But how do we make sense of it? Really? There is a Jewish congressman trying to take away our basic rights as a citizen? Of being a citizen if we read the wrong newsletter or book or email the wrong person?? A JEWISH congressman?? Does he not realize that that idea is SO Third Reich-esque that it is sickening?

None of it makes any sense. The teapartyers are just as absurd as the Mad Hatter and March Hare...before they are even really gaining momentum of fighting a battle, they lose interest and move on to something else. "CLEAN CUP, CLEAN CUP, MOVE DOWN!"

And somewhere Keith Olbermann is the Chesher Cat telling us to stop trying to make sense of all of this and just go with it.

The rest of us are Alice, incapable of dealing with so much nonsense, more than any person can digest. And we get discouraged and wiped out. So exhausting! Everyday is the start of a campaign. Imagine just ONE birthday every year! Ah, but there are 364 UNbirthdays, precisely why we're gathered here to cheer! I guess so. Everyday is something else. Some more nonsense to try to comprehend.

It's too much. These days Rachel Maddow isn't even able to talk me down from my confused and aggravated state. I just get more aggravated and then drink. And then try to conclude some metaphor in order to make any sense out of any of it. It's barely keeping me afloat. Barely.

Ch-ch-ch-Changes...

Well I got the job. As I came to work today, I felt a little sad, but also excited. Last night I was outside smoking, and I glanced at my reflection in the sliding door and I could see my eyes. My eyes were bright, and I hadn't seen that in a long time. Later as I brushed my teeth, I glance at myself again, and my eyes were bright and brown. For so long my eyes have been dull and lifeless. I didn't have makeup on, there was no good lighting...but there they were. My eyes. The eyes I remembered from before my ex sucked the life out of them...and before I spent my nights worrying about 200 old people. The light is back. This is going to be great. I can feel it. And I've already been offered a Lola sitting job, my part time dog. When making the decision to leave, I did take into account the animals that I've made such good friends with, it will be hard to leave Gabby, and she seems to already know that things are changing. Since her dad died, she spends most of the day with me at my desk. But she knows that I love her. And it turns out that at least 3 of my favorite residents are moving out as well, so it all just makes sense. Yes, change, at least this change is going to be good. And I get to dog sit Lola...that's her. This is gonna be great!

Menstruation

"Never trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die!" Indeed. It's been 3 years since I last had a period, and I can honestly say I DID NOT miss it. This is most horrible. The pain alone is close to unbearable, the irritability almost caused a murder earlier today, but the worst part, by far, is the bleeding. I seriously should be unconscious by now. How can there be so much blood??? Amazing.

I would think that once the fallopian tubes are blocked off, the ovulation process should cease. It really should. However, as nature has shown us time and time again, that no matter how much we fuck with it's course, it will always win in the end. Maybe my body is making up for lost time due to my own messing with nature through birth control pills for the last 3 years? I don't know. I do know that I am not happy. Chocolate helps boys! It truly does. For 10 minutes today I forgot that I was in agony and enjoyed a rich, chocolaty lava cake. I felt giddy and wonderful...like the last time I menstruated and my mom gave me an Oxycontin. Bliss! No pain! No worries! And then it was over.

I went to the store to buy my "products" and had been out of the loop so long, I forgot the brand and type I preferred. I did however, find a PMS medicine that was made my a company that figured out that putting a mild sedative in the medicine would decrease the chances of a homicide...it's brilliant really. So I take two of those every 4 hours or so, and I might can manage the rest with other pills. Ibuprofen. Acetaminophen. Aspirin. Careful when you stand up, make sure everything is in place! FUCK.

This is mother nature at her worst. Cruel and unusual punishment for what?? For being female? It's not right! Stella Artois helped a little. But I don't even have the proper underwear for this anymore. Must make a trip to Target to get my "Period underwear"...yes that's right boys...we have to have special underwear that can be abused and stained by mother nature in all her cruelty. Bitch. And you too MOON. You also are a BITCH. And thanks to both of you, SO AM I!

Wish me luck on my job interview tomorrow. I want to call and reschedule, but I that would give the impression that I ALWAYS call in sick when I'm bleeding. Which I don't. This job could be perfect...I only have to use my good customer service skills for about 5 minutes for each customer. I will spend most of my time in my car and can be a bitch there, and fake it for 5 minutes at a time. It will be good. I can fake it through my interview. I COULD call and say that this is my first period in 3 years, so it's particularly horrible, but no, too much information for a guy who might be my boss. He doesn't deserve that. It will be fine.

Ok, I've officially been sitting in this position for too long and must stand up, slowly, and go back to bed and finish watching Weeds. Careful, careful, ok.

Disclaimer: I thought about apologizing in advance for this to my male readers, but fuck it...you don't have to experience it, and might learn a thing or two from my brutal and graphic honesty. Chocolate. Chocolate. Keep your mouth shut. Chocolate. You're welcome.