And So It Begins...

Ok...so I've reconnected with another adorable boy from high school of all places, he was my hugging buddy. First message he wrote was that he needed a hug from me, which was funny because I was just telling one of my residents that he was the best hugger. Life is so funny, since then, which was about 3 hours ago, I've been bombarded with messages, posts and now text messages.
When I was young, and still a virgin, I was SO oblivious to the compliments and gestures from guys. As it turned out, 95% of the guys I thought were just my friends ended up expressing their desire or LOVE for me later in life. It was overwhelming at first, but now I look back and think of the possibilities, rather than missed opportunities. There is such a thing as a missed opportunity, but sometimes, it's just something that wasn't right at the time...like wine.
So now I'm texting with this one, and he's single...no kids, no wife or ex-wife, and just as adorable as he used to be. Hmm? Again, stay tuned!

Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde

So, typically, when I have a revelation like the one last night, I sleep on it, and choose Right instead of Wrong. This time around, however, my little devil is winning and my inner bad girl REALLY wants to come out to play. With the weight of this job slowly lifting off of me, I'm starting to gain energy and getting restless. I'm am not out for destruction, I don't plan or want to hurt anyone, but I do feel like my bad girl has chiseled through the bars and is a centimeter away from breaking loose.

I have learned a few things through the years...a few rules.

1. No sex with friends or boyfriends of friends. 100% off limits.
2. Condoms are a must.
3. No, you can't have my phone number.
4. Follow my instincts.

How very exciting.

Spinster In Distress!

I came to a scary realization tonight...maybe NOT a realization, but a valid fear. I've had sex once in the last year, totally planned out and safe, I've almost had sex several times with different people that I contemplated, but didn't...the reason for that is that I am in a safe place.
Now, however, starting a job where I will actually be making enough money to live alone, comfortably, in the city, (sorry S), with many bars around town, many people, many men, I am already starting to plan out conquests. I know me better than anyone else does and I know that I am opportunistic when it comes to sex. I have been living in a safe place, where pre-marital sex is forbidden, yes really, and therefore there hasn't been any...but living alone in my own place, with my own rules, with so much freedom...well, this spinster will take full advantage of the geography. As I've said MANY times, I am not looking for a relationship, I am not looking to date, I am not at all looking for love...so that leaves me in a confusing place. I know what I should and shouldn't do...I know right from wrong...but that doesn't always stop me from doing something that I might feel bad about later, in fact it RARELY stops me. I'm impulsive, neurotic and demanding. I want what I want, or want who I want, and don't think about it until later. At least, that is how I used to be...Am I still that way? Does freedom to live the way I want mean that I will act on my impulses? Those people who knew me long ago during my bar slut phase, know damn well that I am capable of it...but haven't I grown? Have I changed? Only with time will we have the answer...this little blog of mine is about get interesting.
~Spinster~

Update...Sort of.

Well, it's nice to know some things never change.

This image is my ex-boy toy's info page on FB. HAHA! He may be gorgeous, but that is about all he has going for him. Now, he's just eye candy. It's good...it's a really good thing, because this is exactly the reason I posted on CL for nerdy guys. I have to be around people with brains, I just HAVE to. Oh sure, pretty people are nice to look at, but it only goes so far for me. He's married and has two offspring, (yay for breeders!) and is exactly the type of person my friend and I were just talking about...American Idol after a nice dinner at Applebees. Yup. It's almost sad. I won't worry about it, I just am happy that I'm not a part of it, and never will be again. I will continue to look, however :)

IS Chivalry Dead? Or is Chilvary Temporary?

When I first was with my ex, he was SUCH a gentleman, it through me off a little because I was so used to being independent...he would open my doors, pay for everything, carry my bags, bring me flowers, was polite to my parents, his breath was always minty, his clothes were always clean, his sheets were always clean, his face may have had some stubble, but in a good way...it was amazing. I thought to myself, "Oh, this is what the older generation was talking about!" After a month or two, his breath was no longer fresh and minty, his beard grew long enough for the bristles to go up my nose when he kissed me, the sheets seemed to have stains from the last time I was over, and clothes were everywhere! Stinky, crusty socks...underwear, bathroom was dirty, toilet seat was up, no toilet paper! What the fuck happened??? I still had to make sure my legs were shaven that day, so they remained silky at least until tomorrow...I still put on the makeup, I still made sure I was at my best, but he just took for granted that I was all accepting of his yucky habits. I was for a while, I but I mourned the beginning. Things got worse as time went on, he started to buy me expensive gifts and expect some kind of payment (usually, degrading sexual favors) in return. I would inquire about meeting his friends, he would say, "you will" but it never happened. I would ask that he not gorge himself on hot wings before we had dinner plans, he did anyway, then would be too sick to eat. I would ask him to have dinner with my parents, and either he would get drunk and forget, or would show up just to point out loaves of bread on an advertisement that resembled penises. Yes, really. (Even writing about all this is exhausting.) The woo-ing had come to a complete halt! 4 years later, I started to plot his death. A year later, I left. To this day, I am convinced that chivalry may exist, but it's only temporary. It's a lure...you get hooked and it stops. I'd like to see someone prove me wrong.
~Spinster~

Oh Me, Oh My

Just when I think I've finally got my head on straight, and am fully focused on ME, something changes. Seriously, I haven't been physically attracted to anyone at all! I mean, I recognize beauty, that never stops, but I haven't had that "Woo, look at that person" thing going on in a long time...until now. Now, I have no intentions on pursuing anything, because I am being strict with myself, sticking to my new year's resolution until 2011. That being said, I can't stop looking at his pictures and remembering our time together...lucky for me he's a WAY better looking version of my ex, which is exactly what I don't want, so that gives me the upper hand....but he is awfully beautiful and those lips....but no. Do you see how neurotic I get?? Ugh. There is nothing wrong with looking, right?? RIGHT?

The Beginning of the End

Today is the beginning of my transition from "Go-To Girl" for these great seniors, to my days as "To-Go Girl" delivering pizzas. It's a strange feeling, but without even a little bit of regret. I'm looking to the future. Scouting apartment buildings around here when dog-walking, planning out my spending for the next few months. After talking to my co-workers who are having problems with the new boss, the same problems I was having before putting in my resignation, mind you, I am confident that leaving is the best way to keep my dignity and my relationships strong with my residents...who soon will not be MY residents, but will be my friends. The questioning of my "value" to the company would have continued until I walked out one day, but now, my boss knows that he lost someone with a lot of value and he's REALLY nice to me these days. Funny how life works sometimes...
On another note, a person I have been looking for from my past has finally been found. It's not a relationship that I want or need to pursue, however, he was someone who was a really big part of my life at one time, and for a long time, and instead of ending it properly, I just disappeared. It wasn't the right way to leave, but at the time, it was the only way. I really didn't think I could continue to have him as a part of my life and not continue to have a physical relationship with him, and at the time, I was just beginning a new relationship that I believed was "the final" relationship in my life. I promised my then, new boyfriend, that I would never see this particular lover again, (yea, I said 'lover', I could say 'fuck-buddy' but 'lover' sounds better), and so I made the promise and kept it...leaving behind someone who used to be a huge part of my world, however destructive. There was a couple of times I thought I loved this person, but it was just confusion...then again, the feeling of being in love might always be confusion for me as a mighty spinster, but I digress...he was important to me and I just dropped off the face of the earth to pursue an even more destructive 5-year relationship with someone who did FAR more damage. So thanks to Facebook, (Ah, how I love Facebook), I found him through some sneaky tactics and sent him a message, wishing him well, apologizing for disappearing but explained that I did what I thought I had to do at the time, and wished him health and happiness and left it at that. That was all I needed to say. Should be fine. Life really IS very funny sometimes. I will update you if there is anything to update. I forgot how beautiful he was...NO! *hitting myself with a rolled up newspaper* NO! ;)