Shame

The spinster strikes again. I don't know why I keep doing this. I had no intention of saying what I said or doing what I did. I really didn't. It's like part of me wants there to be drama and pain, however, it certainly isn't the part of me that is experiencing the enormous sense of shame right now. I hate myself sometimes. Every time I close my eyes, I have a flash of some moment and then feel the shame all over again. FUCK. If I could take off my own head for a few hours, it would make life a lot easier. Did I destroy something that I cherished? I may have. I hope I didn't, but I wouldn't be surprised. Stupid Spinster!

As It Turns Out...

Tonight turned out to be an extreme night, after all. I know what I said. I know what I agreed to. And I know what happened in the end.

All I need now is to spend the night with my man. My NOW man. The one who is easy.

I don't know that I can do what I agreed to do. I guess I AM a narcissist. Then again, it is MY blog, and therefore, shouldn't it be about ME?

I'm exhausted. Lucy has met Spike, Elijah and Fuzz, and in the next week I will bring her inside. I will also, in the next week, try like hell to forget about tonight. To forget about everything except what is happening NOW. It IS my blog. I will write what I feel, when I feel it. Whatever it may be. This is my legacy. My thoughts, written out for all to read. '

This spinster is indeed a narcissist. So be it.

Why Does There Gotta Be A Sacrifice?

*Disclaimer* Anything I say in this post is probably fueled by some out of control hormones, so bear with me. Thanks! *
That's what I thought...however, this new person in my life is surprisingly easy to sleep next to. He doesn't snore. He doesn't smell. He snuggles me when I cannot fall asleep. He is all around awesome and I am trying like hell NOT to look for the faults, and have been successful thus far! As he sleeps in my Missy's spot, I'm still happy that he's here. Missy will be fine. She will have me all to myself for the next few nights.
On a different note, the pizza business isn't paying off like I hoped it would. I have an opportunity to reenter the rat race and make a lot of money for it. Thanks M. So we shall see how that goes.
Hmm...a new boy, a possible new job, (if I make enough money) a new apartment?
I really am appreciative of my parents and all they have given me, however, I MUST get the fuck out of here! I'm 32 years old and I need my own space. Admittedly, when they were on the East Coast this last month, we had a great time without them. It was nice having freedom to do what we wanted, when we wanted, with whomever we wanted! Both J and I did not want them to come home.
I thought I was at a crossroads when I left my job with the old people, however, I think the crossroad is still presenting itself to me.
I lost an ex-resident the other day. It was the first time since I left there. So sad. I will be attending the catholic funeral on Wednesday, which will be around 4 hours, I presume. Ah well, it's worth it for Kathie. She was a lovely lady! I keep hearing her voice inside my head. She used to accidentally call me Miranda, even though she knew my name. I loved it. Her husband, now a widower, is also awesome and I hope he sticks around for a bit. They were married for a really long time, however, and who knows if he can get along without her. Growing old seems so unfair. Then again, if we didn't grow old, who knows if we would LEARN as much? I am convinced that with an open enough mind, by the time we get old, we know just about everything. The key is to keep the mind OPEN. Take it all in! Don't be satisfied knowing what you know! Must keep learning and growing, even though you feel too tired to keep learning. Is that the Murphy's Law people are always talking about? When you get to a certain age, you stop caring to learn anymore? Or do you simply know EVERYTHING you are ever going to KNOW for sure?

One thing I KNOW for sure...is that there is a sweet, wonderful man in my bed and I really want to go snuggle with him. Although, he stole my pillow, I will manage. He really IS a wonderful person. He helps me to forget about all the other lovers I've ever had. It's a really nice feeling. AND...I'm just going with the flow, not worrying about whether he will offer me a commitment or whatever. I'm having a great time. He's a great kisser and great in bed, and aside from that, what would having super high expectations get me? NOTHING. It would drive him away. So I make a conscious effort to just be myself. Funny how it takes so much work to be NORMAL!

Wish me luck. I'm off.

Spinster.

What The Hell Am I Doing???

No idea! I just did something that is highly irregular, for this spinster. I told the truth. About my feelings. This could be bad...or it could be good. I only know that I am tired of being afraid of life, love and everything in between. I might die tomorrow or in a year, I have to live life. I must. Ok. Here we go...the next chapter in this spinster's book of life...stay tuned!

Who Cares???

Nothing ever turns out like I plan it to. All of this is bullshit. I get up each day and go to work, and for what? To pay other people? To accumulate THINGS? To pay for school so I can go out in the world and try to change things? Nothing will ever change! It never does. People will never stop being assholes! They never do. Today I witnessed this guy getting super pissed and throwing a temper tantrum because he got carded...really? Is it THAT big of a deal that he needed to make everyone uncomfortable by screaming that he was being disrespected?? Really? Apparently it was. That is how it is. The world sucks. People suck. Everything sucks. Every human being on earth, with the exception of a few courageous people, are giant assholes who are totally self absorbed...including me! Life is so fucking stupid. What the hell is the point of it all? Snuggling with my cats is the only thing besides cigarettes that brings me any joy. Otherwise, it's all me making an effort to pretend to be "OK"...and I convince myself of that and then all of this bullshit that life brings surfaces and I land here. In limbo. Unsure of anything. Unimpressed by everything. My new job keeps my mind occupied, but only for about 4-5 hours a day. Otherwise, it's just time to think about how much I hate life and people. Awesome. I'm going to snuggle with my cats. After I smoke a cigarette.

Jealousy and Cynicism

I'm jealous of those of you that get to experience new romance...I wish I could have new romance, however, I wish new, exciting romance didn't turn so stale. Call me a cynic, I call myself a cynic all the time. It's fine. I am. But new romance is inspiring and exciting, it makes for great writing because emotions are running wild with the sheer force of the NEW ROMANCE...eventually, and unfortunately, that excitement and inspiration fades and it turns into regular life, and that is when I get bored. It's sad. I'm jealous. I want to feel that excitement, but the cynic inside me won't allow it, because I know that it doesn't last. I'm jealous.

To the Idea People of Tampax

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE???

The last time I bought tampons was in 2007, and aside from the ad from some company to tell me to "have a happy period", there was Tampax that was advertising compact tampons. Something you could keep in your pocket without telling the world you were on your period. Personally, it didn't matter to me, because the world always knows when I'm on mine...however, the fact that they were compact and could be taken with me easily were ideal. Now, in 2010, I go to buy the same tampons and they are called Pearl! The packaging, as you can see looks like a goddamn bouquet of flowers, and the tampons themselves are metallic purple! HEY TAMPAX! THESE ARE NOT ACCESSORIES! THEY SERVE A PURPOSE, THEY DO NOT NEED TO BE PRETTY!

Remember last month when my dad said something and it made my inner volcanic bitch rise up out of the shadows? Well, opening this box of tampons did the same. I couldn't even grab hold of one with all that extra packaging. So at work today, which is me, two girls and a kitchen full of guys, I'm having to hide one of these flowery tampons in my pocket, while doing my best to pretend like I was not achy and bitchy...and every time I saw one, it pissed me off all over again.

Tampax, you are idiots! And yes, they will be getting an email from me telling them so.