Rhyme or Reason

I've been experiencing some interesting feelings and happenings lately. Apparently, things I do or say has an effect on somebody's day or week or month. It's a strange concept for me to take seriously, even though, there have been times when other people had an effect on my day. Even then, however, there is always something hiding underneath all of it. Something in the core of me that has been triggered by that person's words or actions, but I don't think I can honestly say that my day was made better or worse by one person. And yet, somehow, I manage to have an influence over other people, I manage to make them feel better or worse, and not just for a day, but for a while. How can that be? I am a person who is only invested in myself, committed to myself, so how did I get here? There are many people I care about, but I am only committed to bettering my life right now. School, work, art and writing. So how can I be such an influence on anyone? And is there a way of NOT feeling responsible? I can't think of a way. No Rhyme. No Reason.

Rhyme or

Brains and Beauty vs. Just Beauty

Ever notice how guys will put up with a lot more crazy than we do? It's not exactly a riddle needing to be solved, as most men use their penises to make decision regarding females. However, it's funny when they bitch and complain about how crazy the crazy chicks are, and still put up with it, not because they find any value in that particular person's brain but because they are hot. That is all. Let's just be honest, shall we?

Guys are guys. Even the coolest, smartest guys are still guys. Testosterone fuels them. It's cool. We all know how this works.

Personally, I don't feel threatened by such girls, because when it comes down to it, I know I will do so much more important things with what life gave me than they can ever do with their temporary looks...and yes, it's temporary. They will be very pretty for a very short time, and then will have nothing. Perhaps they will have money, which they will spend on surgeries and serums trying to grasp onto their beautiful youth with both hands. But age does not work that way, ladies. We all know this...and if we don't, we will. Oh yes, we will. And like all women, we will try like hell to hang onto our looks with chemical peels, (which I am in total favor of) and creams and anti-aging serum and it may work for a little while. Eventually, however, our beauty and youth will fade and all we will have left is our mind. I plan to have a full reservoir of information when that day comes.

Unfortunately, men get better looking with age, but even with certain medicines, they don't have the physical stamina that women have. Sure, they may look better, and desire the young, hot girls, but they don't have what it takes to satisfy them any longer. They can take pills and extra testosterone, but those medications could kill them, so it depends on how badly they want to perform like a young buck. Mark Twain wrote about this unfortunate phenomena in Letters From The Earth, how men lose their momentum FAR before women do. Women remain very sexual creatures, it never leaves us, and the men just cannot keep up. So what do we do?

How do we get what we need from men who can physically keep up, while not having our youth to lure them?? I'll tell you how...we use our best asset! Our BRAIN! Most of us know how to tempt a guy now, while we are still somewhat young and pretty, it's no different as we age. It's just that we have to change the selection a bit. A guy friend of mine told me once that all men are man-whores. I don't know about other girls, but I cannot stand dumb guys, not even for a night. So I believe that my search for nerdy guys may be the answer...the only thing is that they require some training. See...nerdy guys typically don't have a lot of experience. Once in a while you get a guy who does seem to have learned things through the many hours of pornography he's viewed, but most guys do not learn how to execute the moves they want to use. WE have to teach them how to do it. Just like we teach them how to kiss when we are young, (and in the case of nerdy guys, sometimes we have to teach them how to kiss even when they are older...a bit more difficult but stick with it, it will pay off.), we have to teach them how to be a great, not good, a GREAT lay!
It's our duty. We are helping their future wives by teaching them what they need to know to satisfy their future wives who have probably not had much luck with man-made orgasms. Seriously...this is a REAL problem! I've kissed my fair share of nerds, I mean REAL nerds and the girls, if there were any, have failed me. Admittedly, I did not have the time or patience to spend a lot of time teaching them, and the last nerd (who wasn't really a nerd) was very skilled in all aspects. *sigh* Stay Focused Spinster!

So as a girl who is pretty and brainy, I fully intend to take on a project when I'm at that point where my age catches up with me. For now, I am focusing all of my energy, even my sexual energy (as best I can) on school, on art, on global domination.

Keep it in mind, my fellow beautiful brainy girls! Those super hot girls are going down and staying down. They can have the older, handsome guys who can't keep it up without meds or can't take meds and can only last for 30 seconds! HAHA!

I Know What Boys Like...At Least I Thought I Did.

SO. Since the last time I wrote about my excursions in spinsterhood, (I know it was a while ago) I was "dating" someone who I actually liked. As it turned out, we were just doing the friends with benefits thang. It sucked, but it's fine now. He is still a great friend. No, really. He has helped me through a lot of my drama over the last month, and the truth is, so far, he's been the best lay out of all these boys.
I keep trying out new boys, and aside from my last fling with my FWB, they have all been disappointing. Boys do this thing where they have GIANT BALLS when it comes to text messaging and chatting. In some respect, we all do. However, these boys either chicken out when I call their bluff or show up and are not what I expected or are totally bizarre!
Guys are kind of "monkey-see, monkey-do" characters, so there is a certain list of things I expect to have to deal with thanks to the boys watching far too much porn. I can handle the, ya know, cumming on this or that, I don't really get how that makes it better, but whatever. No harm in it. That being said, I do not understand the more bizarre preferences. For instance, pulling my hair can be OK, not really something that does anything for me really, but if it helps the boy out, then fine. I have strong hair. Covering my mouth so I don't make any noise, including breathing, not so OK. I do not understand it and at that point, I am not sure how to deal with the rest of it. Do I make noise? Do I shut the fuck up?
Then! there is the "fluff girl" roll that is irritating. It really is. I know guys are always worried about cumming too soon, and learning to control yourself in order to go for a while longer is fine. But seriously guys, it does not need to go for more than an hour...really. AND I do not appreciate being snapped at and then you pointing to your dick, as in saying "fluff girl! we need a fluff girl!" Sorry, I am not a trained monkey. Also, when I DO CHOOSE to give a blow job, know this, if you hold my head down and keep trying to push it further down, I will stop. If you make it difficult for me to come up for air, I fill find a way...remember...I have teeth.
And so, at this point, I have given up on two, still trying for one and am keeping the first around for special occasions. He is so easy and agreeable.

Good lord. Spinsterhood is truly exhausting sometimes.

What I Want

Apparently, I do not deserve what or whom I want. So I settle for all the boys lining up to "get to know me" A.K.A. "Fuck Me."

Ah. The life of a spinster. I would feel numb, if I didn't feel so fucking useless. Waste of oxygen.

Hahaha! Prayer!!!

I remember "praying" that I didn't get punched in the face when I was being raped, so that my parents didn't see the bruise. I remember praying many time through life. I keep praying for some strange reason. For what, exactly?

Who even knows. Nothing I do seems to be the right thing to do.

There is an old boy...that I like but I don't think he likes me anymore, as I fucked things up the last time we tried this...and there is a new boy...who REALLY likes me...not ME, but likes looking at me. Is that good enough? It seems like it's really all I deserve. '

Who really wants to love a person like me? I'm so damaged. I don't know that I would want to love someone like me.

Haha. God. Prayer. It's all bullshit. It feels like it's all bullshit. I certainly don't feel any presence of God. I only feel sadness. Ah. The life of a spinster. So fucking useless. A waste of oxygen, really.

I Wish I Believed In Suicide...

As it is...I do not. I think it's the pussy way out. But look at that! How easy it would be to just swallow them all in one gulp. But no. That is not me. I'm so tired.

School sucks. I'm going to school with a giant group of idiots who cannot spell, use spellcheck, punctuate or use the fucking space bar! My instructor is treating them like kindergartners learning to fucking read! Is this why I'm paying $1000 a fucking term??!! REALLY?

Work is not paying off at all! Friday night, 5th off the road...off by 8! REALLY??? I made $30 tonight in tips! How is a person to live on that??? FUCK.

Family...well...my uncle Curt just died today, and my grandma fell, breaking her wrist in two places, her hip and her back! REALLY? Yes!

Yes, those pills look soooo good right about now. Oh they do. But noooo. I don't believe in suicide. I'm so fucking tired.

The guy I was seeing, and actually allowed myself to like, informed me that we are actually just "friends with benefits". REALLY? WOW! I had no fucking idea! Stupid fucking spinster!!! So fucking stupid. Look at me! Not punctuating properly!

Fuck it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amy Winehouse....bring it home girl! Yea I said it. FUCK YOU.