Phase One Complete...Phase Two GO

Phase one: Sterilization - CHECK! Phase Two: New Employment...

Although I love my old people like I was obligated to love them, I have to move on. The new boss man is already questioning my worth and I cannot claim that just being here for support or someone to talk to is a valid reason to pay me by the hour. Sometimes they just want someone to talk to...who knows them. That is me. That won't change. They all have my cell number and know they can call me whenever, the fact remains, that in the eyes of the corporation, I am very close to obsolete.

It's funny...obsolete, me? I feel like I do so much, but when it comes down to making a list, most of the things I do, are supposed to be paid for through the concierge. I don't charge. The corporation likes to nickel and dime these people to death, until death, and I won't be a part of it. I do things to be nice. Because I'm capable of doing something that they cannot. If they choose to reward me, then great, but I never expect it. I only want to go to sleep at night, knowing that I did what I could do. Last night I couldn't get to sleep...I could feel my boss questioning my worth. I can't lose sleep over this. Must fix the problem. Stay Tuned.

The End of a Chapter

Common sense, morality, compassion...these are things that come naturally to most people, probably to all people at some point or another. When you add power and money to the mix, these three aspects of our human nature go right out the window. That is my own observation. Occasionally you get a Bill Gates or a Barrack Obama, and they have a way of maintaining those aspects, but mostly money and power seem to drive the good out of people and pull the evil in. I work for a corporation, I must remember that. I used to think of it as a company, a family that provided a nice retirement community for people who were able to afford it. Things have changed. If I believed in the Antichrist, I would believe that he was hired as our new GM. Money is the number one issue...how to make more money! Employees, residents, family, nope. Money. This new GM is so pathetic and generic. At our first team meeting, he compared what we do to Disneyland. No joke. Cause moving out of your house of 40 years where you raised your kids and lived with your spouse who is now gone and moving into a studio apartment is just like going to Disneyland?! I'm pretty sure this man went to business school. I'm pretty sure he attended a motivational speaker event at some point, probably sponsored by walmart, and just blurted it out to us, recycled drivel as far as I'm concerned. I would like to stay and take care of my old people, but I'm afraid that this chapter of my life is about to end, and a new one is about to begin. I'll find a way to still be a part of their lives, but I can't do it this way. Not with this corporate zombie constantly looking to see why he's paying me. Nope. It's time to go.

Roses

Mary Jean's roses are still thriving. Even without her there to prune them or to defend them from pests, they still thrive. I have to embrace her roses. I have Gabby to remind me of how much I cared about Warren. It was harder with Mary Jean because she was tiring, but was still able to do things. I took my leave of absence, and she fell and broke her hip, had an operation to fix it and was OK, then went to a nursing home to recover, and then she got really tired. I talked to her every Saturday night while I was on leave and she was in the nursing home. I thought it was temporary and I thought I would see her again. She said to me on my last night before my leave "What am I going to do without you here?!" I told her I would still talk to her and the month would be over and I would be back before she knew it. It was 3 weeks and she was gone. She told me the week before she died that she was done. I told her that she was allowed to be done when she was ready. I still didn't expect it. It hasn't even been a year, and every day her absence is really strong. I spent every night visiting with her in her last year, talking, telling stories, building a bond I didn't think was possible between such different people. But she told me that I was like a daughter to her. I don't have that kind of connection with my own grandmothers, but I do with some of the people here. I still feel her. I still feel like she's watching over me.

She was the toughest person I ever met. She lived for years without a pancreas! She had found out about her pancreatic cancer and told them to remove it...they warned her that people cannot live without a pancreas. She did for several years. She chose to live. She chose to die. I think she was ready to live another life in spirit, because her body was broken. She is still here. Still taking special care of her roses.

Destruction and Beauty

No matter how terrifying life can be, there seems to be something beautiful about it as well. Today is one of those days. I almost crashed on the freeway today, but then I didn't, and was thankful. My heart was racing, and I was thankful. A volcano erupts in Iceland and although it put a stop on flights in and out of Europe for a while, this picture symbolizes how beautiful it can be. Some people saw this with their own eyes, and although at the time were dwelling on being stuck at the airport, I wonder if they will remember this spectacular vision! The last earthquake that we had here in Seattle, my Jade Buddha almost killed me...it dropped off a shelf above my head and landed on my pillow next to my head, and woke me up...the shaking didn't wake me up, the Buddha did. It was a memory that will never fade, so long as I have my Buddha. It's like he said "WAKE UP! There is an earthquake and you need to experience it!" It was scary. I was alone with my cats in a really old building and we swayed for a while, but I experienced it.

Today is the kind of day that I hold on to. I feel good. I feel like everything will be OK, no matter what. Everything is fine today. I'm looking forward to whatever the day brings. Because as I've learned from life, everything happens for a reason. Life is good.

On the Slab

I had my pre-op appointment today with my doc. He tried to convince me that it is way too dangerous to do this tubal ligation surgery and that we should wait. He said if he can't get where he needs to go with a small incision, he will make it bigger and may have to cut my entire abdomen open. I could actually die from this? Well, if I tried to have a child and carried it full term, it might also kill me...so fuck it.
I think it will be fine. I think he is trying to scare me because he thinks I'm too young to make this decision. Too bad. My body, my choice.
While shaping my life to be what I want it to be, I must do what I have to in order to prevent anything getting in my way. Children would ruin my plans. Nope.
If I die on the table, I hope my legacy was worth something.
Hopefully I will be here to update my readers on Monday. If not, know I loved you.
Spinster

Anticipating the Arrival of the Moon

28 days go by in between the cycles of the moon. It's no coincidence that many other aspects of life go in 28 day cycles, including my own emotional cycle...and no, I am not talking about menstruation...but rather, an emotional shift. I look for the moon, I try to make time every night to see where the moon is, where it rises and sets, how much of it is visible, I welcome it when it's full, I say out loud "Hello Moon!"...really, I actually do. Sometimes the moon gives me a wink, in which the air and cosmic energy is different, but it leaves it at that. Most of the time, the moon wreaks havoc on my world, along with the whole world. The energy is so intense that it can change my mood, it can push me down, step on me and walk away without guilt...onto the next victim. I don't know if other people feel the same about the moon as I do, but even with all of it's massive influence, I still love to see it. I love to follow it home. I love to watch life wake up in it's extreme light at night. I don't need a porch light, I have the moon. When the moon's power fades, a few days after it's greatest moment in it's own cycle, I feel normal again. Daily life returns, porch lights come on, routines resume. But a few days before the moon is full, when it starts to make it's presence known, it transforms me. It hypnotizes me. I see things in a different light, figuratively and literally. Flowers are at their fullest and brightest. Catastrophes are at their most horrible. My funny bone gets accidentally bumped on the corner of the door many more times. I cry more. I laugh more. I think more. I love more. I hate more. I contemplate more. I look around more. I look more closely. I smell more. I taste more. I crave more. Desire, I desire in a most intense way. (With regards to desire...you know when you have those dreams, where things are as vivid as they possibly can be? And at some point, it turns from a strange movie into a sex dream and you can feel every touch, smell every smell and you are almost to the point of a mind blowing orgasm but you wake up just before, and are left frustrated all day? Next time that happens, take a look to see where the moon has been and if the moon has an alibi for last night?!) And then that 28th day comes around and there it is, in all it's power and glory! The full moon...looking at me with it's ravenous energy...I have both a great respect and a great fear of it. I think I know what it is capable of...I've seen it at it's worse...haven't I? I've seen it at it's best...haven't I? Of course not, silly girl, you have only been around for about 370 moons...and for too long you gave it no notice and no respect...now it demands both. I will submit myself to it's power. I will give it what it wants. Or it will give me what I secretly want? Oh great Luna, you know exactly what you want from me...I wish you would clue me in ahead of time on occasion. I sound like a hippie...I don't care. There is plenty to be said about the power and influence of the moon.

Unhappy Servants Makes for Unhappy Customers

A guy goes to community college or trade school, takes a few motivational speaking lectures, and then gets his degree running businesses and voila! A bureaucrat is born! Yes, the business school bureaucrat. He shows up one day to run a business...my business. The business of old people. This isn't a retail store, this is not a real estate company. We are in the business of making people comfortable in their last stages of their lives. We make them feel comfortable, give them whatever they need to be happy, we smile, we love, we care. Money is for the accountant to deal with. Now, they are bribing us with ten dollar gift cards to convince people to move in.
I remember working for what used to the Bon Marche, and somehow got stuck in the fine china department. Plates with platinum lining, were $100 each! There was no way I could convince anyone that I believed it to be worth the money. I didn't. I knew I was not in my element, so I clocked out for lunch, went out for a smoke, instead, got on a bus and went home. I had to go.
This job is all about the people. I believe they pay too much and that at times they are being swindled...I will not participate. These are real people, with feelings who are at a crossroads in their lives, and I will not see them as giant dollar signs. Nope. I will find a new source of employment before I try to be a sneaky, snaky bureaucrat.
The boss is a jackass. We all know it. We all see it. We are unhappy about it. The residents are unhappy that we are unhappy.