Jealousy and Cynicism

I'm jealous of those of you that get to experience new romance...I wish I could have new romance, however, I wish new, exciting romance didn't turn so stale. Call me a cynic, I call myself a cynic all the time. It's fine. I am. But new romance is inspiring and exciting, it makes for great writing because emotions are running wild with the sheer force of the NEW ROMANCE...eventually, and unfortunately, that excitement and inspiration fades and it turns into regular life, and that is when I get bored. It's sad. I'm jealous. I want to feel that excitement, but the cynic inside me won't allow it, because I know that it doesn't last. I'm jealous.

To the Idea People of Tampax

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE???

The last time I bought tampons was in 2007, and aside from the ad from some company to tell me to "have a happy period", there was Tampax that was advertising compact tampons. Something you could keep in your pocket without telling the world you were on your period. Personally, it didn't matter to me, because the world always knows when I'm on mine...however, the fact that they were compact and could be taken with me easily were ideal. Now, in 2010, I go to buy the same tampons and they are called Pearl! The packaging, as you can see looks like a goddamn bouquet of flowers, and the tampons themselves are metallic purple! HEY TAMPAX! THESE ARE NOT ACCESSORIES! THEY SERVE A PURPOSE, THEY DO NOT NEED TO BE PRETTY!

Remember last month when my dad said something and it made my inner volcanic bitch rise up out of the shadows? Well, opening this box of tampons did the same. I couldn't even grab hold of one with all that extra packaging. So at work today, which is me, two girls and a kitchen full of guys, I'm having to hide one of these flowery tampons in my pocket, while doing my best to pretend like I was not achy and bitchy...and every time I saw one, it pissed me off all over again.

Tampax, you are idiots! And yes, they will be getting an email from me telling them so.

HORMONES!

Ok, yes, I'm happy to not be on birth control pills anymore, and yes, I'm happy that dieting is much more productive due to the lower level of hormones...however, this is the second time in May that I have bled, and I've had enough of it.

Narcotics...Truffle Brownies...Heating Pad.

So anyone who got any of my negative energy, again, I apologize, I didn't even realize that it was PMS. But there you go.

going back to bed.

~Spinster~

Sibling Rivalry Continued...

So I had a heated discussion with my dad today...mainly because I was drinking and therefore able to speak my mind uninhibited. Turns out, he isn't very happy about the taco truck! "That's not culinary arts! That's fast food!" HAHAHAHAHA. So true Dad.

He also got a piece of my mind about my brother's adventures in Mexico and his trips to cock fights and bull fights. Obviously by now you know how I feel about Animal Rights, it made me really unhappy that he attended such horrible events...my dad says "he only went ONCE and he didn't like it!" *Sigh* He knew what it was, he shouldn't have gone at all. Especially with me as a sister. He will never be allowed to visit me in Africa, because he would be first in line to try Chimpanzee on a stick! I warned my dad that my passion trumps blood. Keep it in mind.

Now...I shall watch some Six Feet Under...I thought about Fight Club, but I'm not sure I'm up for a movie tonight.

Tomorrow is my first day of work...stay tuned!

The Lighter Side: Sibling Rivalry

Anyone who has a sibling is fully aware that life amongst each other is a continuous competition...usually for parental approval. The same goes for me and my brother, (my real one). My brother was always better at school than I was, mainly because he didn't smoke pot yet, and I did a lot and had way more important things to do with my time, I worked, I drank coffee and smoked cigarettes with my friends, you know...priorities. This was something that my brother was fully aware of, always used it against me while I would come back with "you may be better at school, but more people LIKE me!" Also was true. I had many friends. We grew up, he started smoking pot, I stopped smoking pot and for a short while, we were equals...it was fun while it lasted. I kept waiting for him to go stupid like I did, but that day never came, instead he got smarter, wiser, at least in his world, in mine he was just super condescending. Apparently when he moved out and got his first apartment and job (which I got him, mind you) he came to a realization that his family were simple folk. It's true that we don't add dandelion leaves to our salads and aren't a lentil kind of family, though, I do enjoy lentils. However, my mother is all American, cooks the same 5 meals weekly, just like Peggy Hill. A lot of mothers are like that. They have their signature dishes and that is what is prepared. True, you pray for the day that you get cilantro in the salsa, or fresh basil in the spaghetti sauce...but we know those days will not come either. Once my brother and I made thanksgiving dinner with lots and lots of fresh herbs, in the turkey and gravy, and the mashed potatoes and stuffing. It was fucking fabulous! But it made my mother cry. The left over turkey bones didn't produce the proper flavor for her turkey and noodles. That was the end of all that. Sad.
Anyway...herbs are something we agree on...however, EVERYTHING ELSE is another matter entirely. Our conversations consist of me trying SO hard to find something intellectual to talk about, and his responses are always something critical and annoying. Cause he knows more than I do, cause so and so wrote an article or whatever. *rolling eyes* He went to live in Mexico for a while, teaching Korean kids how to speak English, yes, Korean kids. He came back even more condescending than before, something that my parents nor I thought possible.
I lost my train of thought...OH!
So, as you know, I got a new job. I'm going to be delivering pizzas for a very reputable and legitimate pizza company, locally owned and operated, voted best pizza in Seattle 20 years straight. It's pretty awesome. I'm pretty excited, especially now that my last day at the retirement community is over, I can focus on my next step. My brother is planning on owning and operating a taco truck. When I told my parents of my plans for my future they said "oh", they didn't say "OOOH!" just a simple "oh". When I interviewed and I knew I would be offered the job after they got my clear back round check, they said "oh, do they have benefits?" Yes, they do! When I got the call offering me the job, they said..."oh. good. make sure you get your doc to give you a three month supply of medicine." Even when I told them how much money I would be making and that I could pay off my medical bills, student loans, credit cards, go back to school, MOVE OUT OF THEIR HOUSE, they said while nodding their heads "good." Smile and nod. They obviously don't approve...too bad, I'm going to work my ass off and prove myself. So, the night my brother told them of his taco truck plans, at my dad's birthday dinner, their reaction was "Oh THAT'S SO COOL! When? Where? How?"
Essentially, we are going to be doing the same job...driving around, bringing people food. I will be working for a great 40 year old company that is notorious for being awesome, and I get "oh" and he will driving around at night feeding meat inside corn tortillas to drunk people and it's "OH! THAT'S SO COOL!" REALLY???
The moral of this story is, sibling rivalry never ends. But while my brother continues on his path to street food vendor, while living in a stoner pad with no windows, I will be finding a lovely apartment in a lovely neighborhood, with a balcony, washer and dryer, lots of windows for my cats to sit in, and lots of people around, to move into, and live comfortably. So there!

It's Done.

I'm done. I've had enough wasted time. I'm done. New life begins now.

A Lonely Spinster

I wonder if this will go away like it did a while back...it comes and goes...I will be perfectly fine ALONE, enjoying the peace and quiet, then I will get restless and need to be around people. Then it will cycle back around. It's more and more difficult to get people out to do anything...I mean, I am not much into going to shows anymore, too loud, and I don't really care much...but things just aren't as much fun...or maybe I am not as much fun. Who really knows? I just know that I need human contact...not sexual contact, just being around people who get me is enough. I'm going home now.

LET ME OUT, HOMEBODY!

I've come to the conclusion that being such a homebody is causing me to go a little crazy. I MUST get out more and see ACTUAL people...not just on FB. It's at the point where people don't really want to talk to me because I'm so over excited to actually be making personal contact, that I over do it. Not good. Not good at all!

Being here at this job was a part of it, it's an exhausting place to be, and I never have enough money to go do anything. This is my last week here, and I couldn't be more ready. I've met several people at my new job, and they are all really cool people. I'm ready to be around more people. I'm ready to see my friends in person, and not just on FB. Once I get it out of my system, I will calm down some, but until then, I can't seem to control myself. Overwhelming numbers of text messages are being sent to the few people who I've connected with, and I'm afraid I might be driving them back into the "only on FB" world. Not good.

I think I'll start this week. Until then, anyone who gets too many texts, I'm trying like hell NOT to send out messages, but I apologize for them now.
~Spinster~

And So It Begins...

Ok...so I've reconnected with another adorable boy from high school of all places, he was my hugging buddy. First message he wrote was that he needed a hug from me, which was funny because I was just telling one of my residents that he was the best hugger. Life is so funny, since then, which was about 3 hours ago, I've been bombarded with messages, posts and now text messages.
When I was young, and still a virgin, I was SO oblivious to the compliments and gestures from guys. As it turned out, 95% of the guys I thought were just my friends ended up expressing their desire or LOVE for me later in life. It was overwhelming at first, but now I look back and think of the possibilities, rather than missed opportunities. There is such a thing as a missed opportunity, but sometimes, it's just something that wasn't right at the time...like wine.
So now I'm texting with this one, and he's single...no kids, no wife or ex-wife, and just as adorable as he used to be. Hmm? Again, stay tuned!

Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde

So, typically, when I have a revelation like the one last night, I sleep on it, and choose Right instead of Wrong. This time around, however, my little devil is winning and my inner bad girl REALLY wants to come out to play. With the weight of this job slowly lifting off of me, I'm starting to gain energy and getting restless. I'm am not out for destruction, I don't plan or want to hurt anyone, but I do feel like my bad girl has chiseled through the bars and is a centimeter away from breaking loose.

I have learned a few things through the years...a few rules.

1. No sex with friends or boyfriends of friends. 100% off limits.
2. Condoms are a must.
3. No, you can't have my phone number.
4. Follow my instincts.

How very exciting.

Spinster In Distress!

I came to a scary realization tonight...maybe NOT a realization, but a valid fear. I've had sex once in the last year, totally planned out and safe, I've almost had sex several times with different people that I contemplated, but didn't...the reason for that is that I am in a safe place.
Now, however, starting a job where I will actually be making enough money to live alone, comfortably, in the city, (sorry S), with many bars around town, many people, many men, I am already starting to plan out conquests. I know me better than anyone else does and I know that I am opportunistic when it comes to sex. I have been living in a safe place, where pre-marital sex is forbidden, yes really, and therefore there hasn't been any...but living alone in my own place, with my own rules, with so much freedom...well, this spinster will take full advantage of the geography. As I've said MANY times, I am not looking for a relationship, I am not looking to date, I am not at all looking for love...so that leaves me in a confusing place. I know what I should and shouldn't do...I know right from wrong...but that doesn't always stop me from doing something that I might feel bad about later, in fact it RARELY stops me. I'm impulsive, neurotic and demanding. I want what I want, or want who I want, and don't think about it until later. At least, that is how I used to be...Am I still that way? Does freedom to live the way I want mean that I will act on my impulses? Those people who knew me long ago during my bar slut phase, know damn well that I am capable of it...but haven't I grown? Have I changed? Only with time will we have the answer...this little blog of mine is about get interesting.
~Spinster~

Update...Sort of.

Well, it's nice to know some things never change.

This image is my ex-boy toy's info page on FB. HAHA! He may be gorgeous, but that is about all he has going for him. Now, he's just eye candy. It's good...it's a really good thing, because this is exactly the reason I posted on CL for nerdy guys. I have to be around people with brains, I just HAVE to. Oh sure, pretty people are nice to look at, but it only goes so far for me. He's married and has two offspring, (yay for breeders!) and is exactly the type of person my friend and I were just talking about...American Idol after a nice dinner at Applebees. Yup. It's almost sad. I won't worry about it, I just am happy that I'm not a part of it, and never will be again. I will continue to look, however :)

IS Chivalry Dead? Or is Chilvary Temporary?

When I first was with my ex, he was SUCH a gentleman, it through me off a little because I was so used to being independent...he would open my doors, pay for everything, carry my bags, bring me flowers, was polite to my parents, his breath was always minty, his clothes were always clean, his sheets were always clean, his face may have had some stubble, but in a good way...it was amazing. I thought to myself, "Oh, this is what the older generation was talking about!" After a month or two, his breath was no longer fresh and minty, his beard grew long enough for the bristles to go up my nose when he kissed me, the sheets seemed to have stains from the last time I was over, and clothes were everywhere! Stinky, crusty socks...underwear, bathroom was dirty, toilet seat was up, no toilet paper! What the fuck happened??? I still had to make sure my legs were shaven that day, so they remained silky at least until tomorrow...I still put on the makeup, I still made sure I was at my best, but he just took for granted that I was all accepting of his yucky habits. I was for a while, I but I mourned the beginning. Things got worse as time went on, he started to buy me expensive gifts and expect some kind of payment (usually, degrading sexual favors) in return. I would inquire about meeting his friends, he would say, "you will" but it never happened. I would ask that he not gorge himself on hot wings before we had dinner plans, he did anyway, then would be too sick to eat. I would ask him to have dinner with my parents, and either he would get drunk and forget, or would show up just to point out loaves of bread on an advertisement that resembled penises. Yes, really. (Even writing about all this is exhausting.) The woo-ing had come to a complete halt! 4 years later, I started to plot his death. A year later, I left. To this day, I am convinced that chivalry may exist, but it's only temporary. It's a lure...you get hooked and it stops. I'd like to see someone prove me wrong.
~Spinster~

Oh Me, Oh My

Just when I think I've finally got my head on straight, and am fully focused on ME, something changes. Seriously, I haven't been physically attracted to anyone at all! I mean, I recognize beauty, that never stops, but I haven't had that "Woo, look at that person" thing going on in a long time...until now. Now, I have no intentions on pursuing anything, because I am being strict with myself, sticking to my new year's resolution until 2011. That being said, I can't stop looking at his pictures and remembering our time together...lucky for me he's a WAY better looking version of my ex, which is exactly what I don't want, so that gives me the upper hand....but he is awfully beautiful and those lips....but no. Do you see how neurotic I get?? Ugh. There is nothing wrong with looking, right?? RIGHT?

The Beginning of the End

Today is the beginning of my transition from "Go-To Girl" for these great seniors, to my days as "To-Go Girl" delivering pizzas. It's a strange feeling, but without even a little bit of regret. I'm looking to the future. Scouting apartment buildings around here when dog-walking, planning out my spending for the next few months. After talking to my co-workers who are having problems with the new boss, the same problems I was having before putting in my resignation, mind you, I am confident that leaving is the best way to keep my dignity and my relationships strong with my residents...who soon will not be MY residents, but will be my friends. The questioning of my "value" to the company would have continued until I walked out one day, but now, my boss knows that he lost someone with a lot of value and he's REALLY nice to me these days. Funny how life works sometimes...
On another note, a person I have been looking for from my past has finally been found. It's not a relationship that I want or need to pursue, however, he was someone who was a really big part of my life at one time, and for a long time, and instead of ending it properly, I just disappeared. It wasn't the right way to leave, but at the time, it was the only way. I really didn't think I could continue to have him as a part of my life and not continue to have a physical relationship with him, and at the time, I was just beginning a new relationship that I believed was "the final" relationship in my life. I promised my then, new boyfriend, that I would never see this particular lover again, (yea, I said 'lover', I could say 'fuck-buddy' but 'lover' sounds better), and so I made the promise and kept it...leaving behind someone who used to be a huge part of my world, however destructive. There was a couple of times I thought I loved this person, but it was just confusion...then again, the feeling of being in love might always be confusion for me as a mighty spinster, but I digress...he was important to me and I just dropped off the face of the earth to pursue an even more destructive 5-year relationship with someone who did FAR more damage. So thanks to Facebook, (Ah, how I love Facebook), I found him through some sneaky tactics and sent him a message, wishing him well, apologizing for disappearing but explained that I did what I thought I had to do at the time, and wished him health and happiness and left it at that. That was all I needed to say. Should be fine. Life really IS very funny sometimes. I will update you if there is anything to update. I forgot how beautiful he was...NO! *hitting myself with a rolled up newspaper* NO! ;)

The Explosion

Sometimes it needs to happen. Too much pressure will always make things explode. Apologies to my readers for getting so intense, however, now that I've said what I needed to say, rather, written what I needed to write, I feel much better.
I woke up today, feeling hungover and wiped out...so I slept for a little while longer and then felt better. I got the call today that I was expecting, and officially have a new job. I'm super excited. This new chapter in this spinster's life is going to be a great one. I've already decided that I will be paying off my debt, which isn't too big, and then hopefully by next year, I will be moving back to the city and out of the family house. I will be making enough to not only live alone, but live comfortably. It will be great.
Yes, indeed...this is going to be a wonderful year!

Continued...

"She won't help the hungry, once a month at your tombolas, she'll simply take control, as you DISAPPEAR!"

Dear Parents...

It is YOUR fault that this is happening. You think you are so great, with your civil rights movements and marches! You, fucking baby boomers. You hippies turned to YUPPIES. Yuppies! The world used to be important to you. The country used to be important to you. Equal rights used to be important to you. Then, one day, you finished college. You got a job, and a mortgage, and a wife and had kids...You bred neurotic insomniacs! Oh yes. You left us a world full of problems. A society that continues to punish people for being who they are. Who GOD made them! And you bred lovers and haters. Activists and nay-sayers! And now we have to deal with all this bullshit! We lose sleep because of you! Do you even care anymore??? Now that you have the mortgage and electric bills, cell phones and foodsavers?? Does it matter anymore? Or are you only concerned with who wins on American Idol and The Amazing Race? Is Jack Bauer your hero?? Really? Are you even AWARE that all this other bullshit is going on?? Do you know that the weight of the world rests on MY shoulders? On ALL of our shoulders??? Do you still expect Mother's Day presents and Father's Day presents??? WHY>? Because you gave birth to us? Because you fertilized the egg? With all the important things that should have been done to make our world a BETTER place rather than this crazy place that we are dealing NOW? FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUR MARCHES, FUCK YOUR ACTIVISM! It was all just a something to do while you were searching for your PERFECT mate. We will deal with this. We will stop all this nonsense. We will stand by as your American Dream kills our planet! And we will prevail! FUCK YOU, BABY BOOMERS! YOU SUCK!

Alice...in Wonderland?

"Backward, forward, outward, inward, bottom to the top, never a beginning there can never be a stop!"

It's just how I'm feeling tonight. I'm on my 5th beer and going to finish the 6-pack. Then going to watch the Disney version of Alice in Wonderland. Then will hopefully have animated dreams that make sense of this crazy world.

Here's to hoping!

Cheers!

A Very Merry Unbirthday to You

This country and all of it's crazy antics and the crazy antics of it's people is beginning to make me feel as confused as when I read Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass.

Nonsense...so much absolute nonsense is crammed into the day, it makes my head hurt. This civil rights issue with the immigration and Joe Leiberman asking to take away citizenship if you are associated with questionable groups, the back and forth...the angry tea partyers against the ever growing angry "regular" people. Nonsense against Common Sense. Again, it reminds me of the nonsense that came out Lewis Carroll's head...The Lion and the Unicorn...fighting in a giant cloud of dust...

http://frank.mtsu.edu/~rbombard/RB/Texts/LookingGlass/ch7.html

You can read it for yourself.

`The Lion and the Unicorn were fighting for the crown:
The Lion beat the Unicorn all round the town.
Some gave them white bread, some gave them brown;
Some gave them plum-cake and drummed them out of town.'

`Does -- the one -- that wins -- get the crown?' she asked, as well as she could, for the run was putting her quite out of breath.

`Dear me, no!' said the King. `What an idea!'

EXACTLY! All of this nonsensical fighting isn't doing anyone any good! It's a futile fight! Elephants against Donkeys, fighting for something that neither of them will ever own! What an idea! What an idea indeed! It never ends...it never will end. But how do we make sense of it? Really? There is a Jewish congressman trying to take away our basic rights as a citizen? Of being a citizen if we read the wrong newsletter or book or email the wrong person?? A JEWISH congressman?? Does he not realize that that idea is SO Third Reich-esque that it is sickening?

None of it makes any sense. The teapartyers are just as absurd as the Mad Hatter and March Hare...before they are even really gaining momentum of fighting a battle, they lose interest and move on to something else. "CLEAN CUP, CLEAN CUP, MOVE DOWN!"

And somewhere Keith Olbermann is the Chesher Cat telling us to stop trying to make sense of all of this and just go with it.

The rest of us are Alice, incapable of dealing with so much nonsense, more than any person can digest. And we get discouraged and wiped out. So exhausting! Everyday is the start of a campaign. Imagine just ONE birthday every year! Ah, but there are 364 UNbirthdays, precisely why we're gathered here to cheer! I guess so. Everyday is something else. Some more nonsense to try to comprehend.

It's too much. These days Rachel Maddow isn't even able to talk me down from my confused and aggravated state. I just get more aggravated and then drink. And then try to conclude some metaphor in order to make any sense out of any of it. It's barely keeping me afloat. Barely.

Ch-ch-ch-Changes...

Well I got the job. As I came to work today, I felt a little sad, but also excited. Last night I was outside smoking, and I glanced at my reflection in the sliding door and I could see my eyes. My eyes were bright, and I hadn't seen that in a long time. Later as I brushed my teeth, I glance at myself again, and my eyes were bright and brown. For so long my eyes have been dull and lifeless. I didn't have makeup on, there was no good lighting...but there they were. My eyes. The eyes I remembered from before my ex sucked the life out of them...and before I spent my nights worrying about 200 old people. The light is back. This is going to be great. I can feel it. And I've already been offered a Lola sitting job, my part time dog. When making the decision to leave, I did take into account the animals that I've made such good friends with, it will be hard to leave Gabby, and she seems to already know that things are changing. Since her dad died, she spends most of the day with me at my desk. But she knows that I love her. And it turns out that at least 3 of my favorite residents are moving out as well, so it all just makes sense. Yes, change, at least this change is going to be good. And I get to dog sit Lola...that's her. This is gonna be great!

Menstruation

"Never trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die!" Indeed. It's been 3 years since I last had a period, and I can honestly say I DID NOT miss it. This is most horrible. The pain alone is close to unbearable, the irritability almost caused a murder earlier today, but the worst part, by far, is the bleeding. I seriously should be unconscious by now. How can there be so much blood??? Amazing.

I would think that once the fallopian tubes are blocked off, the ovulation process should cease. It really should. However, as nature has shown us time and time again, that no matter how much we fuck with it's course, it will always win in the end. Maybe my body is making up for lost time due to my own messing with nature through birth control pills for the last 3 years? I don't know. I do know that I am not happy. Chocolate helps boys! It truly does. For 10 minutes today I forgot that I was in agony and enjoyed a rich, chocolaty lava cake. I felt giddy and wonderful...like the last time I menstruated and my mom gave me an Oxycontin. Bliss! No pain! No worries! And then it was over.

I went to the store to buy my "products" and had been out of the loop so long, I forgot the brand and type I preferred. I did however, find a PMS medicine that was made my a company that figured out that putting a mild sedative in the medicine would decrease the chances of a homicide...it's brilliant really. So I take two of those every 4 hours or so, and I might can manage the rest with other pills. Ibuprofen. Acetaminophen. Aspirin. Careful when you stand up, make sure everything is in place! FUCK.

This is mother nature at her worst. Cruel and unusual punishment for what?? For being female? It's not right! Stella Artois helped a little. But I don't even have the proper underwear for this anymore. Must make a trip to Target to get my "Period underwear"...yes that's right boys...we have to have special underwear that can be abused and stained by mother nature in all her cruelty. Bitch. And you too MOON. You also are a BITCH. And thanks to both of you, SO AM I!

Wish me luck on my job interview tomorrow. I want to call and reschedule, but I that would give the impression that I ALWAYS call in sick when I'm bleeding. Which I don't. This job could be perfect...I only have to use my good customer service skills for about 5 minutes for each customer. I will spend most of my time in my car and can be a bitch there, and fake it for 5 minutes at a time. It will be good. I can fake it through my interview. I COULD call and say that this is my first period in 3 years, so it's particularly horrible, but no, too much information for a guy who might be my boss. He doesn't deserve that. It will be fine.

Ok, I've officially been sitting in this position for too long and must stand up, slowly, and go back to bed and finish watching Weeds. Careful, careful, ok.

Disclaimer: I thought about apologizing in advance for this to my male readers, but fuck it...you don't have to experience it, and might learn a thing or two from my brutal and graphic honesty. Chocolate. Chocolate. Keep your mouth shut. Chocolate. You're welcome.