My Trial

I was a typical depressed teenage girl. Everything was so dramatic, consequences of life's different events were TOTALLY intense and my only defense was crying, which, admittedly didn't get me anywhere. (Except out of trouble.) However, I remember watching "The Wall" the first time, and then the second, and I remember enjoying it, but it was just a movie. Then I watched it a third time and I just so happened to be in an incredibly sad mood. The future was bleak, I'm sure I was suffering from one of many broken hearts, and I was struggling with some underlying monsters as I have written about in past posts. Anyhow, I watched "The Wall" and something strange happened. I seemed to, all of a sudden, relate to this story. Not entirely, but I did and when it got to the end and "The Trial" began I found myself in a panic. I was very secretive, I thought that by allowing my secrets out that something horrible would result from it, (again, teenager), so as I was watching The Trial, I began listening to the lyrics and when it came to the end where it goes

"Since, my friend, you have revealed your deepest fear

I sentence you to be exposed before your peers.

Tear down the wall!"

I'll tell you what, I panicked! That WAS my deepest fear. What would I do? What would people think? How could I ever make people understand? (Teenager! And to be fair, I hadn't told anyone about the sexual abuse, so there's that.)

I panicked and took a handful of my mom's prescription sleeping pills. The next thing I know, I was in the hospital being force fed charcoal and mustard or something, and puking my guts out.

I tell this story because, in the last few years, I have become an open book rather than a pink diary with a cheap metal lock, and I actually feel far less vulnerable. Oh sure, I still do and say stupid things, I have my own momentary lapses of reason where I brood over the outcome for a while, but it's not scary anymore. I would rather say or do something stupid and be honest about it, than keep anything to myself for fear of...whatever the consequences happen to be.

So to anyone who has experienced a momentary lapse of reason on my part, too bad, nothing I can do to take it back and I probably wouldn't even if I could. AND chances are it won't be the last time it happens, but it's OK because I would rather be an open book than be surrounded by a wall. This feels much more free!

Rhyme or Reason

I've been experiencing some interesting feelings and happenings lately. Apparently, things I do or say has an effect on somebody's day or week or month. It's a strange concept for me to take seriously, even though, there have been times when other people had an effect on my day. Even then, however, there is always something hiding underneath all of it. Something in the core of me that has been triggered by that person's words or actions, but I don't think I can honestly say that my day was made better or worse by one person. And yet, somehow, I manage to have an influence over other people, I manage to make them feel better or worse, and not just for a day, but for a while. How can that be? I am a person who is only invested in myself, committed to myself, so how did I get here? There are many people I care about, but I am only committed to bettering my life right now. School, work, art and writing. So how can I be such an influence on anyone? And is there a way of NOT feeling responsible? I can't think of a way. No Rhyme. No Reason.

Rhyme or

Brains and Beauty vs. Just Beauty

Ever notice how guys will put up with a lot more crazy than we do? It's not exactly a riddle needing to be solved, as most men use their penises to make decision regarding females. However, it's funny when they bitch and complain about how crazy the crazy chicks are, and still put up with it, not because they find any value in that particular person's brain but because they are hot. That is all. Let's just be honest, shall we?

Guys are guys. Even the coolest, smartest guys are still guys. Testosterone fuels them. It's cool. We all know how this works.

Personally, I don't feel threatened by such girls, because when it comes down to it, I know I will do so much more important things with what life gave me than they can ever do with their temporary looks...and yes, it's temporary. They will be very pretty for a very short time, and then will have nothing. Perhaps they will have money, which they will spend on surgeries and serums trying to grasp onto their beautiful youth with both hands. But age does not work that way, ladies. We all know this...and if we don't, we will. Oh yes, we will. And like all women, we will try like hell to hang onto our looks with chemical peels, (which I am in total favor of) and creams and anti-aging serum and it may work for a little while. Eventually, however, our beauty and youth will fade and all we will have left is our mind. I plan to have a full reservoir of information when that day comes.

Unfortunately, men get better looking with age, but even with certain medicines, they don't have the physical stamina that women have. Sure, they may look better, and desire the young, hot girls, but they don't have what it takes to satisfy them any longer. They can take pills and extra testosterone, but those medications could kill them, so it depends on how badly they want to perform like a young buck. Mark Twain wrote about this unfortunate phenomena in Letters From The Earth, how men lose their momentum FAR before women do. Women remain very sexual creatures, it never leaves us, and the men just cannot keep up. So what do we do?

How do we get what we need from men who can physically keep up, while not having our youth to lure them?? I'll tell you how...we use our best asset! Our BRAIN! Most of us know how to tempt a guy now, while we are still somewhat young and pretty, it's no different as we age. It's just that we have to change the selection a bit. A guy friend of mine told me once that all men are man-whores. I don't know about other girls, but I cannot stand dumb guys, not even for a night. So I believe that my search for nerdy guys may be the answer...the only thing is that they require some training. See...nerdy guys typically don't have a lot of experience. Once in a while you get a guy who does seem to have learned things through the many hours of pornography he's viewed, but most guys do not learn how to execute the moves they want to use. WE have to teach them how to do it. Just like we teach them how to kiss when we are young, (and in the case of nerdy guys, sometimes we have to teach them how to kiss even when they are older...a bit more difficult but stick with it, it will pay off.), we have to teach them how to be a great, not good, a GREAT lay!
It's our duty. We are helping their future wives by teaching them what they need to know to satisfy their future wives who have probably not had much luck with man-made orgasms. Seriously...this is a REAL problem! I've kissed my fair share of nerds, I mean REAL nerds and the girls, if there were any, have failed me. Admittedly, I did not have the time or patience to spend a lot of time teaching them, and the last nerd (who wasn't really a nerd) was very skilled in all aspects. *sigh* Stay Focused Spinster!

So as a girl who is pretty and brainy, I fully intend to take on a project when I'm at that point where my age catches up with me. For now, I am focusing all of my energy, even my sexual energy (as best I can) on school, on art, on global domination.

Keep it in mind, my fellow beautiful brainy girls! Those super hot girls are going down and staying down. They can have the older, handsome guys who can't keep it up without meds or can't take meds and can only last for 30 seconds! HAHA!

I Know What Boys Like...At Least I Thought I Did.

SO. Since the last time I wrote about my excursions in spinsterhood, (I know it was a while ago) I was "dating" someone who I actually liked. As it turned out, we were just doing the friends with benefits thang. It sucked, but it's fine now. He is still a great friend. No, really. He has helped me through a lot of my drama over the last month, and the truth is, so far, he's been the best lay out of all these boys.
I keep trying out new boys, and aside from my last fling with my FWB, they have all been disappointing. Boys do this thing where they have GIANT BALLS when it comes to text messaging and chatting. In some respect, we all do. However, these boys either chicken out when I call their bluff or show up and are not what I expected or are totally bizarre!
Guys are kind of "monkey-see, monkey-do" characters, so there is a certain list of things I expect to have to deal with thanks to the boys watching far too much porn. I can handle the, ya know, cumming on this or that, I don't really get how that makes it better, but whatever. No harm in it. That being said, I do not understand the more bizarre preferences. For instance, pulling my hair can be OK, not really something that does anything for me really, but if it helps the boy out, then fine. I have strong hair. Covering my mouth so I don't make any noise, including breathing, not so OK. I do not understand it and at that point, I am not sure how to deal with the rest of it. Do I make noise? Do I shut the fuck up?
Then! there is the "fluff girl" roll that is irritating. It really is. I know guys are always worried about cumming too soon, and learning to control yourself in order to go for a while longer is fine. But seriously guys, it does not need to go for more than an hour...really. AND I do not appreciate being snapped at and then you pointing to your dick, as in saying "fluff girl! we need a fluff girl!" Sorry, I am not a trained monkey. Also, when I DO CHOOSE to give a blow job, know this, if you hold my head down and keep trying to push it further down, I will stop. If you make it difficult for me to come up for air, I fill find a way...remember...I have teeth.
And so, at this point, I have given up on two, still trying for one and am keeping the first around for special occasions. He is so easy and agreeable.

Good lord. Spinsterhood is truly exhausting sometimes.

What I Want

Apparently, I do not deserve what or whom I want. So I settle for all the boys lining up to "get to know me" A.K.A. "Fuck Me."

Ah. The life of a spinster. I would feel numb, if I didn't feel so fucking useless. Waste of oxygen.

Hahaha! Prayer!!!

I remember "praying" that I didn't get punched in the face when I was being raped, so that my parents didn't see the bruise. I remember praying many time through life. I keep praying for some strange reason. For what, exactly?

Who even knows. Nothing I do seems to be the right thing to do.

There is an old boy...that I like but I don't think he likes me anymore, as I fucked things up the last time we tried this...and there is a new boy...who REALLY likes me...not ME, but likes looking at me. Is that good enough? It seems like it's really all I deserve. '

Who really wants to love a person like me? I'm so damaged. I don't know that I would want to love someone like me.

Haha. God. Prayer. It's all bullshit. It feels like it's all bullshit. I certainly don't feel any presence of God. I only feel sadness. Ah. The life of a spinster. So fucking useless. A waste of oxygen, really.

I Wish I Believed In Suicide...

As it is...I do not. I think it's the pussy way out. But look at that! How easy it would be to just swallow them all in one gulp. But no. That is not me. I'm so tired.

School sucks. I'm going to school with a giant group of idiots who cannot spell, use spellcheck, punctuate or use the fucking space bar! My instructor is treating them like kindergartners learning to fucking read! Is this why I'm paying $1000 a fucking term??!! REALLY?

Work is not paying off at all! Friday night, 5th off the road...off by 8! REALLY??? I made $30 tonight in tips! How is a person to live on that??? FUCK.

Family...well...my uncle Curt just died today, and my grandma fell, breaking her wrist in two places, her hip and her back! REALLY? Yes!

Yes, those pills look soooo good right about now. Oh they do. But noooo. I don't believe in suicide. I'm so fucking tired.

The guy I was seeing, and actually allowed myself to like, informed me that we are actually just "friends with benefits". REALLY? WOW! I had no fucking idea! Stupid fucking spinster!!! So fucking stupid. Look at me! Not punctuating properly!

Fuck it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amy Winehouse....bring it home girl! Yea I said it. FUCK YOU.

Oh Spinster...What Are You Doing?

When I started dating again, I was unsure of what I was looking for. At first, I thought I wanted a real relationship, then I changed my mind. Then I thought I wanted a casual relationship, and changed my mind. Back and forth, flip-flopping, always unsure. I realized that although I like life to be easy, I also like to have human connections. So this is something I am pursuing. I know I said I was cool with this arrangement with E, but apparently I am full of shit. There, I said it. So, now I will try something else. I will go into more detail when I'm not exhausted and hungover. Another day.

An Old Routine and A New Cast

Funny how life works sometimes. Life without Spike is slightly boring, but the house is finally quiet again. Lucy and Cleo have been adopted. I sent out a flyer to everyone I knew asking to please help me find them a new forever home. A couple of hours later I got a phone call from my friend's sister. She just happen to be looking for two kittens! What are the odds? They are now with her and her family in their forever home. The stress level has dropped in this house. My skin is clearing up. Sleep is coming a little easier. Sometimes, it feels like destiny exists.

The Crazy Cat Lady

Yes, yes, I know. When you get a cat, you expect it to change your life in a minimal way. Cats are, in fact, easy going, mellow, and keep to themselves. Sure you might get to pet them when they choose, or spot them sun bathing on the window sill, but they are cats. I certainly had these expectations when I got my first cats. As it turns out, cats have their own personalities. Sure they changed our lives for the better, it was fun having kittens around, but life went on. So when we got our next two kittens, we had similar expectations. Silly fools we were! These next two kittens changed EVERYTHING! Mischief reigned! We had to eat our meals separately so one of us could hold the kittens back from climbing onto our food, it was a constant battle to keep them from roaming around the hallways, or getting into anything and everything that was left out. But they were kittens, adorable, snugly kittens and eventually they would grow out of the mischief....right? Well, one of them did. Missy, Elijah and Alex turned into mostly mellow fat cats...Spike, however, did not. He had to have an ultimate impact on every life that passed through, and he did. Daily life with Spike was a series of shaking our heads, and panicking that this time he had finally managed to kill himself by way of curiosity. I do believe he lived through all nine lives. When I moved back into my parents house, he was the 3rd to arrive, I had fostered him and Alex out and then finally brought them home and sure enough, my parents fell in love with him. My mom had her special games she played with him. My dad was in a constant state of giggling whenever he was around because he was always getting into something or another, covered in the remnants of whatever it was he had been into. He even won over my brother, who was not a cat person, but could not resist the Spike snuggles. He didn't allow you to resist. He insisted you love him. Sometimes he would bite you just to be sure you knew who was really in charge, or he would push you out of your spot on the sofa...he was so little and clever, whomever it was that was being pushed out gave in with a smile of disbelief. Whatta cat!
With his death, life has changed. Sure we have two new kittens, who are full of mischief, but not Spike's brand of mischief. Oh no. No one can ever replace Spike. He was truly one of a kind and everyone he ever snuggled with continues to miss him, and will always look back on their time with him as unique and comical.
That was my boy. My little orphan that came into my life and turned it upside down. My mourning is winding down, though, I will never stop missing him, or laughing whenever I think of the quirky little things he did. But life must go on. And Lucy and Cleo need some guidance. And so begins the next chapter of the crazy cat lady. Thank you to those of you who stuck by me through this ugliness. You are true blue. Yea I said it.

Did You Ever Wonder How You Will Die?

Will you get into a fatal car crash? Be bitten by a snake? Will you open your door to a dangerous stranger? No alarms and no surprises.
Depression has set in and made itself at home. There is a bottle of Lorazapam in the bathroom that would do the job, if I so chose. But suicide is not an option for a martyr, oh no! I have a destiny. I have to suffer so others can live without suffering. I had a strange experience today. I am not christian. I have never been baptized. But while chatting with T, talking about how I suspected that I was, indeed, a martyr, somehow, "\my father" typed itself. I don't know why or how.
But I took it as a sign. how could I not? "it's gonna be, a glorious day, I feel my luck could change"
sometimes I wish for cancer or an aneurysm. And what if I choose otherwise???

A Wise Man Once Told Me...

That I didn't always need extremes to be a good writer. And by assuming that that was the case was a sign of narcissism. That may be true, however, this is my blog, and I created it in order to get all the things inside my head, out. There have been many changes in the last few weeks and as anyone who knows me will tell you, I do not like change. So, for the sake of my sanity, my blog will continue on the path of narcissism. As I mentioned at some point, i'm sure, I am seeing a new guy. He's still great, however, I am not sure what, if anything, I should expect. I'm trying to have no expectations at all. It's working so far. Then I enrolled in college, to get a degree in Computer Science Web Design. Snore...I know. Not my first choice, however, I need to make money so I can not live with my parents forever, although, I honestly don't believe they want me to leave...EVER. And yet, they will still not let me have my guy over unless it is totally innocent. I find it ridiculous and old fashioned, but they won't budge. My dad might, but my mother will not. As any of my readers know, I had to put one of my beloved cats to sleep. I am still very sad and angry and spend at least a part of the evening crying each day. It was for the best. It doesn't make me miss him any less however. Had a bit of a blow out with a close friend who just ran off to Europe, and we still haven't discussed anything. Again, not something i've spent a lot of time worrying about, but there it is. i'm too tired to keep going, dear readers. I must sleep now.

For Spike

You just gave me that look, the one that you always give me whenever I'm crying..."Whatsa matter mommy? Wanna snuggle?" I wonder if you know that I'm crying over you? If you do, it doesn't seem to matter, you still came and snuggled in behind me in the computer chair, just like always. You have done this with every boy I've cried over, every mistake I've made, every friend I've lost, you have always been there to make me feel better, and you always do! And now, things are changing for both of us, you are going to go on and be free of pain and sickness, and I'm going to be here, missing you. You are a special little man, I'll tell you that. I've been though this before with Alex, and I loved Alex, but it didn't hurt this much. When Baby died suddenly, I thought I would die too, but you were there to make the pain a little easier to swallow, and now I know Missy, Elijah, Lucy and Suzy will be here to help ease the pain, but I'm not sure how they get it. Niko, keeps giving me a look of sympathy, but I don't know if he knows. He isn't mine. He just lives outside. I know that life will go on, as it always does, however, I don't think it will ever be the same. I'm so happy J wanted to stop at that pet store, and so thankful that you were there! That you chose me! And that you stuck with me through all the bullshit, all the moves, all the friends, all the boyfriends, through everything. You made every day a little bit better, and I hope you had a good life as well. I tried my best, I really did. I know other people enjoyed your company as well. You are so special and mommy loves you so much! I will never forget you or stop loving you or missing you. My little prince! Rest now. Mommy will be OK.

Fuck that!

It wasn't even all my fault!

Shame

The spinster strikes again. I don't know why I keep doing this. I had no intention of saying what I said or doing what I did. I really didn't. It's like part of me wants there to be drama and pain, however, it certainly isn't the part of me that is experiencing the enormous sense of shame right now. I hate myself sometimes. Every time I close my eyes, I have a flash of some moment and then feel the shame all over again. FUCK. If I could take off my own head for a few hours, it would make life a lot easier. Did I destroy something that I cherished? I may have. I hope I didn't, but I wouldn't be surprised. Stupid Spinster!

As It Turns Out...

Tonight turned out to be an extreme night, after all. I know what I said. I know what I agreed to. And I know what happened in the end.

All I need now is to spend the night with my man. My NOW man. The one who is easy.

I don't know that I can do what I agreed to do. I guess I AM a narcissist. Then again, it is MY blog, and therefore, shouldn't it be about ME?

I'm exhausted. Lucy has met Spike, Elijah and Fuzz, and in the next week I will bring her inside. I will also, in the next week, try like hell to forget about tonight. To forget about everything except what is happening NOW. It IS my blog. I will write what I feel, when I feel it. Whatever it may be. This is my legacy. My thoughts, written out for all to read. '

This spinster is indeed a narcissist. So be it.

Why Does There Gotta Be A Sacrifice?

*Disclaimer* Anything I say in this post is probably fueled by some out of control hormones, so bear with me. Thanks! *
That's what I thought...however, this new person in my life is surprisingly easy to sleep next to. He doesn't snore. He doesn't smell. He snuggles me when I cannot fall asleep. He is all around awesome and I am trying like hell NOT to look for the faults, and have been successful thus far! As he sleeps in my Missy's spot, I'm still happy that he's here. Missy will be fine. She will have me all to myself for the next few nights.
On a different note, the pizza business isn't paying off like I hoped it would. I have an opportunity to reenter the rat race and make a lot of money for it. Thanks M. So we shall see how that goes.
Hmm...a new boy, a possible new job, (if I make enough money) a new apartment?
I really am appreciative of my parents and all they have given me, however, I MUST get the fuck out of here! I'm 32 years old and I need my own space. Admittedly, when they were on the East Coast this last month, we had a great time without them. It was nice having freedom to do what we wanted, when we wanted, with whomever we wanted! Both J and I did not want them to come home.
I thought I was at a crossroads when I left my job with the old people, however, I think the crossroad is still presenting itself to me.
I lost an ex-resident the other day. It was the first time since I left there. So sad. I will be attending the catholic funeral on Wednesday, which will be around 4 hours, I presume. Ah well, it's worth it for Kathie. She was a lovely lady! I keep hearing her voice inside my head. She used to accidentally call me Miranda, even though she knew my name. I loved it. Her husband, now a widower, is also awesome and I hope he sticks around for a bit. They were married for a really long time, however, and who knows if he can get along without her. Growing old seems so unfair. Then again, if we didn't grow old, who knows if we would LEARN as much? I am convinced that with an open enough mind, by the time we get old, we know just about everything. The key is to keep the mind OPEN. Take it all in! Don't be satisfied knowing what you know! Must keep learning and growing, even though you feel too tired to keep learning. Is that the Murphy's Law people are always talking about? When you get to a certain age, you stop caring to learn anymore? Or do you simply know EVERYTHING you are ever going to KNOW for sure?

One thing I KNOW for sure...is that there is a sweet, wonderful man in my bed and I really want to go snuggle with him. Although, he stole my pillow, I will manage. He really IS a wonderful person. He helps me to forget about all the other lovers I've ever had. It's a really nice feeling. AND...I'm just going with the flow, not worrying about whether he will offer me a commitment or whatever. I'm having a great time. He's a great kisser and great in bed, and aside from that, what would having super high expectations get me? NOTHING. It would drive him away. So I make a conscious effort to just be myself. Funny how it takes so much work to be NORMAL!

Wish me luck. I'm off.

Spinster.

What The Hell Am I Doing???

No idea! I just did something that is highly irregular, for this spinster. I told the truth. About my feelings. This could be bad...or it could be good. I only know that I am tired of being afraid of life, love and everything in between. I might die tomorrow or in a year, I have to live life. I must. Ok. Here we go...the next chapter in this spinster's book of life...stay tuned!

Who Cares???

Nothing ever turns out like I plan it to. All of this is bullshit. I get up each day and go to work, and for what? To pay other people? To accumulate THINGS? To pay for school so I can go out in the world and try to change things? Nothing will ever change! It never does. People will never stop being assholes! They never do. Today I witnessed this guy getting super pissed and throwing a temper tantrum because he got carded...really? Is it THAT big of a deal that he needed to make everyone uncomfortable by screaming that he was being disrespected?? Really? Apparently it was. That is how it is. The world sucks. People suck. Everything sucks. Every human being on earth, with the exception of a few courageous people, are giant assholes who are totally self absorbed...including me! Life is so fucking stupid. What the hell is the point of it all? Snuggling with my cats is the only thing besides cigarettes that brings me any joy. Otherwise, it's all me making an effort to pretend to be "OK"...and I convince myself of that and then all of this bullshit that life brings surfaces and I land here. In limbo. Unsure of anything. Unimpressed by everything. My new job keeps my mind occupied, but only for about 4-5 hours a day. Otherwise, it's just time to think about how much I hate life and people. Awesome. I'm going to snuggle with my cats. After I smoke a cigarette.

Jealousy and Cynicism

I'm jealous of those of you that get to experience new romance...I wish I could have new romance, however, I wish new, exciting romance didn't turn so stale. Call me a cynic, I call myself a cynic all the time. It's fine. I am. But new romance is inspiring and exciting, it makes for great writing because emotions are running wild with the sheer force of the NEW ROMANCE...eventually, and unfortunately, that excitement and inspiration fades and it turns into regular life, and that is when I get bored. It's sad. I'm jealous. I want to feel that excitement, but the cynic inside me won't allow it, because I know that it doesn't last. I'm jealous.

To the Idea People of Tampax

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE???

The last time I bought tampons was in 2007, and aside from the ad from some company to tell me to "have a happy period", there was Tampax that was advertising compact tampons. Something you could keep in your pocket without telling the world you were on your period. Personally, it didn't matter to me, because the world always knows when I'm on mine...however, the fact that they were compact and could be taken with me easily were ideal. Now, in 2010, I go to buy the same tampons and they are called Pearl! The packaging, as you can see looks like a goddamn bouquet of flowers, and the tampons themselves are metallic purple! HEY TAMPAX! THESE ARE NOT ACCESSORIES! THEY SERVE A PURPOSE, THEY DO NOT NEED TO BE PRETTY!

Remember last month when my dad said something and it made my inner volcanic bitch rise up out of the shadows? Well, opening this box of tampons did the same. I couldn't even grab hold of one with all that extra packaging. So at work today, which is me, two girls and a kitchen full of guys, I'm having to hide one of these flowery tampons in my pocket, while doing my best to pretend like I was not achy and bitchy...and every time I saw one, it pissed me off all over again.

Tampax, you are idiots! And yes, they will be getting an email from me telling them so.

HORMONES!

Ok, yes, I'm happy to not be on birth control pills anymore, and yes, I'm happy that dieting is much more productive due to the lower level of hormones...however, this is the second time in May that I have bled, and I've had enough of it.

Narcotics...Truffle Brownies...Heating Pad.

So anyone who got any of my negative energy, again, I apologize, I didn't even realize that it was PMS. But there you go.

going back to bed.

~Spinster~

Sibling Rivalry Continued...

So I had a heated discussion with my dad today...mainly because I was drinking and therefore able to speak my mind uninhibited. Turns out, he isn't very happy about the taco truck! "That's not culinary arts! That's fast food!" HAHAHAHAHA. So true Dad.

He also got a piece of my mind about my brother's adventures in Mexico and his trips to cock fights and bull fights. Obviously by now you know how I feel about Animal Rights, it made me really unhappy that he attended such horrible events...my dad says "he only went ONCE and he didn't like it!" *Sigh* He knew what it was, he shouldn't have gone at all. Especially with me as a sister. He will never be allowed to visit me in Africa, because he would be first in line to try Chimpanzee on a stick! I warned my dad that my passion trumps blood. Keep it in mind.

Now...I shall watch some Six Feet Under...I thought about Fight Club, but I'm not sure I'm up for a movie tonight.

Tomorrow is my first day of work...stay tuned!

The Lighter Side: Sibling Rivalry

Anyone who has a sibling is fully aware that life amongst each other is a continuous competition...usually for parental approval. The same goes for me and my brother, (my real one). My brother was always better at school than I was, mainly because he didn't smoke pot yet, and I did a lot and had way more important things to do with my time, I worked, I drank coffee and smoked cigarettes with my friends, you know...priorities. This was something that my brother was fully aware of, always used it against me while I would come back with "you may be better at school, but more people LIKE me!" Also was true. I had many friends. We grew up, he started smoking pot, I stopped smoking pot and for a short while, we were equals...it was fun while it lasted. I kept waiting for him to go stupid like I did, but that day never came, instead he got smarter, wiser, at least in his world, in mine he was just super condescending. Apparently when he moved out and got his first apartment and job (which I got him, mind you) he came to a realization that his family were simple folk. It's true that we don't add dandelion leaves to our salads and aren't a lentil kind of family, though, I do enjoy lentils. However, my mother is all American, cooks the same 5 meals weekly, just like Peggy Hill. A lot of mothers are like that. They have their signature dishes and that is what is prepared. True, you pray for the day that you get cilantro in the salsa, or fresh basil in the spaghetti sauce...but we know those days will not come either. Once my brother and I made thanksgiving dinner with lots and lots of fresh herbs, in the turkey and gravy, and the mashed potatoes and stuffing. It was fucking fabulous! But it made my mother cry. The left over turkey bones didn't produce the proper flavor for her turkey and noodles. That was the end of all that. Sad.
Anyway...herbs are something we agree on...however, EVERYTHING ELSE is another matter entirely. Our conversations consist of me trying SO hard to find something intellectual to talk about, and his responses are always something critical and annoying. Cause he knows more than I do, cause so and so wrote an article or whatever. *rolling eyes* He went to live in Mexico for a while, teaching Korean kids how to speak English, yes, Korean kids. He came back even more condescending than before, something that my parents nor I thought possible.
I lost my train of thought...OH!
So, as you know, I got a new job. I'm going to be delivering pizzas for a very reputable and legitimate pizza company, locally owned and operated, voted best pizza in Seattle 20 years straight. It's pretty awesome. I'm pretty excited, especially now that my last day at the retirement community is over, I can focus on my next step. My brother is planning on owning and operating a taco truck. When I told my parents of my plans for my future they said "oh", they didn't say "OOOH!" just a simple "oh". When I interviewed and I knew I would be offered the job after they got my clear back round check, they said "oh, do they have benefits?" Yes, they do! When I got the call offering me the job, they said..."oh. good. make sure you get your doc to give you a three month supply of medicine." Even when I told them how much money I would be making and that I could pay off my medical bills, student loans, credit cards, go back to school, MOVE OUT OF THEIR HOUSE, they said while nodding their heads "good." Smile and nod. They obviously don't approve...too bad, I'm going to work my ass off and prove myself. So, the night my brother told them of his taco truck plans, at my dad's birthday dinner, their reaction was "Oh THAT'S SO COOL! When? Where? How?"
Essentially, we are going to be doing the same job...driving around, bringing people food. I will be working for a great 40 year old company that is notorious for being awesome, and I get "oh" and he will driving around at night feeding meat inside corn tortillas to drunk people and it's "OH! THAT'S SO COOL!" REALLY???
The moral of this story is, sibling rivalry never ends. But while my brother continues on his path to street food vendor, while living in a stoner pad with no windows, I will be finding a lovely apartment in a lovely neighborhood, with a balcony, washer and dryer, lots of windows for my cats to sit in, and lots of people around, to move into, and live comfortably. So there!

It's Done.

I'm done. I've had enough wasted time. I'm done. New life begins now.

A Lonely Spinster

I wonder if this will go away like it did a while back...it comes and goes...I will be perfectly fine ALONE, enjoying the peace and quiet, then I will get restless and need to be around people. Then it will cycle back around. It's more and more difficult to get people out to do anything...I mean, I am not much into going to shows anymore, too loud, and I don't really care much...but things just aren't as much fun...or maybe I am not as much fun. Who really knows? I just know that I need human contact...not sexual contact, just being around people who get me is enough. I'm going home now.

LET ME OUT, HOMEBODY!

I've come to the conclusion that being such a homebody is causing me to go a little crazy. I MUST get out more and see ACTUAL people...not just on FB. It's at the point where people don't really want to talk to me because I'm so over excited to actually be making personal contact, that I over do it. Not good. Not good at all!

Being here at this job was a part of it, it's an exhausting place to be, and I never have enough money to go do anything. This is my last week here, and I couldn't be more ready. I've met several people at my new job, and they are all really cool people. I'm ready to be around more people. I'm ready to see my friends in person, and not just on FB. Once I get it out of my system, I will calm down some, but until then, I can't seem to control myself. Overwhelming numbers of text messages are being sent to the few people who I've connected with, and I'm afraid I might be driving them back into the "only on FB" world. Not good.

I think I'll start this week. Until then, anyone who gets too many texts, I'm trying like hell NOT to send out messages, but I apologize for them now.
~Spinster~

And So It Begins...

Ok...so I've reconnected with another adorable boy from high school of all places, he was my hugging buddy. First message he wrote was that he needed a hug from me, which was funny because I was just telling one of my residents that he was the best hugger. Life is so funny, since then, which was about 3 hours ago, I've been bombarded with messages, posts and now text messages.
When I was young, and still a virgin, I was SO oblivious to the compliments and gestures from guys. As it turned out, 95% of the guys I thought were just my friends ended up expressing their desire or LOVE for me later in life. It was overwhelming at first, but now I look back and think of the possibilities, rather than missed opportunities. There is such a thing as a missed opportunity, but sometimes, it's just something that wasn't right at the time...like wine.
So now I'm texting with this one, and he's single...no kids, no wife or ex-wife, and just as adorable as he used to be. Hmm? Again, stay tuned!

Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde

So, typically, when I have a revelation like the one last night, I sleep on it, and choose Right instead of Wrong. This time around, however, my little devil is winning and my inner bad girl REALLY wants to come out to play. With the weight of this job slowly lifting off of me, I'm starting to gain energy and getting restless. I'm am not out for destruction, I don't plan or want to hurt anyone, but I do feel like my bad girl has chiseled through the bars and is a centimeter away from breaking loose.

I have learned a few things through the years...a few rules.

1. No sex with friends or boyfriends of friends. 100% off limits.
2. Condoms are a must.
3. No, you can't have my phone number.
4. Follow my instincts.

How very exciting.

Spinster In Distress!

I came to a scary realization tonight...maybe NOT a realization, but a valid fear. I've had sex once in the last year, totally planned out and safe, I've almost had sex several times with different people that I contemplated, but didn't...the reason for that is that I am in a safe place.
Now, however, starting a job where I will actually be making enough money to live alone, comfortably, in the city, (sorry S), with many bars around town, many people, many men, I am already starting to plan out conquests. I know me better than anyone else does and I know that I am opportunistic when it comes to sex. I have been living in a safe place, where pre-marital sex is forbidden, yes really, and therefore there hasn't been any...but living alone in my own place, with my own rules, with so much freedom...well, this spinster will take full advantage of the geography. As I've said MANY times, I am not looking for a relationship, I am not looking to date, I am not at all looking for love...so that leaves me in a confusing place. I know what I should and shouldn't do...I know right from wrong...but that doesn't always stop me from doing something that I might feel bad about later, in fact it RARELY stops me. I'm impulsive, neurotic and demanding. I want what I want, or want who I want, and don't think about it until later. At least, that is how I used to be...Am I still that way? Does freedom to live the way I want mean that I will act on my impulses? Those people who knew me long ago during my bar slut phase, know damn well that I am capable of it...but haven't I grown? Have I changed? Only with time will we have the answer...this little blog of mine is about get interesting.
~Spinster~

Update...Sort of.

Well, it's nice to know some things never change.

This image is my ex-boy toy's info page on FB. HAHA! He may be gorgeous, but that is about all he has going for him. Now, he's just eye candy. It's good...it's a really good thing, because this is exactly the reason I posted on CL for nerdy guys. I have to be around people with brains, I just HAVE to. Oh sure, pretty people are nice to look at, but it only goes so far for me. He's married and has two offspring, (yay for breeders!) and is exactly the type of person my friend and I were just talking about...American Idol after a nice dinner at Applebees. Yup. It's almost sad. I won't worry about it, I just am happy that I'm not a part of it, and never will be again. I will continue to look, however :)

IS Chivalry Dead? Or is Chilvary Temporary?

When I first was with my ex, he was SUCH a gentleman, it through me off a little because I was so used to being independent...he would open my doors, pay for everything, carry my bags, bring me flowers, was polite to my parents, his breath was always minty, his clothes were always clean, his sheets were always clean, his face may have had some stubble, but in a good way...it was amazing. I thought to myself, "Oh, this is what the older generation was talking about!" After a month or two, his breath was no longer fresh and minty, his beard grew long enough for the bristles to go up my nose when he kissed me, the sheets seemed to have stains from the last time I was over, and clothes were everywhere! Stinky, crusty socks...underwear, bathroom was dirty, toilet seat was up, no toilet paper! What the fuck happened??? I still had to make sure my legs were shaven that day, so they remained silky at least until tomorrow...I still put on the makeup, I still made sure I was at my best, but he just took for granted that I was all accepting of his yucky habits. I was for a while, I but I mourned the beginning. Things got worse as time went on, he started to buy me expensive gifts and expect some kind of payment (usually, degrading sexual favors) in return. I would inquire about meeting his friends, he would say, "you will" but it never happened. I would ask that he not gorge himself on hot wings before we had dinner plans, he did anyway, then would be too sick to eat. I would ask him to have dinner with my parents, and either he would get drunk and forget, or would show up just to point out loaves of bread on an advertisement that resembled penises. Yes, really. (Even writing about all this is exhausting.) The woo-ing had come to a complete halt! 4 years later, I started to plot his death. A year later, I left. To this day, I am convinced that chivalry may exist, but it's only temporary. It's a lure...you get hooked and it stops. I'd like to see someone prove me wrong.
~Spinster~

Oh Me, Oh My

Just when I think I've finally got my head on straight, and am fully focused on ME, something changes. Seriously, I haven't been physically attracted to anyone at all! I mean, I recognize beauty, that never stops, but I haven't had that "Woo, look at that person" thing going on in a long time...until now. Now, I have no intentions on pursuing anything, because I am being strict with myself, sticking to my new year's resolution until 2011. That being said, I can't stop looking at his pictures and remembering our time together...lucky for me he's a WAY better looking version of my ex, which is exactly what I don't want, so that gives me the upper hand....but he is awfully beautiful and those lips....but no. Do you see how neurotic I get?? Ugh. There is nothing wrong with looking, right?? RIGHT?

The Beginning of the End

Today is the beginning of my transition from "Go-To Girl" for these great seniors, to my days as "To-Go Girl" delivering pizzas. It's a strange feeling, but without even a little bit of regret. I'm looking to the future. Scouting apartment buildings around here when dog-walking, planning out my spending for the next few months. After talking to my co-workers who are having problems with the new boss, the same problems I was having before putting in my resignation, mind you, I am confident that leaving is the best way to keep my dignity and my relationships strong with my residents...who soon will not be MY residents, but will be my friends. The questioning of my "value" to the company would have continued until I walked out one day, but now, my boss knows that he lost someone with a lot of value and he's REALLY nice to me these days. Funny how life works sometimes...
On another note, a person I have been looking for from my past has finally been found. It's not a relationship that I want or need to pursue, however, he was someone who was a really big part of my life at one time, and for a long time, and instead of ending it properly, I just disappeared. It wasn't the right way to leave, but at the time, it was the only way. I really didn't think I could continue to have him as a part of my life and not continue to have a physical relationship with him, and at the time, I was just beginning a new relationship that I believed was "the final" relationship in my life. I promised my then, new boyfriend, that I would never see this particular lover again, (yea, I said 'lover', I could say 'fuck-buddy' but 'lover' sounds better), and so I made the promise and kept it...leaving behind someone who used to be a huge part of my world, however destructive. There was a couple of times I thought I loved this person, but it was just confusion...then again, the feeling of being in love might always be confusion for me as a mighty spinster, but I digress...he was important to me and I just dropped off the face of the earth to pursue an even more destructive 5-year relationship with someone who did FAR more damage. So thanks to Facebook, (Ah, how I love Facebook), I found him through some sneaky tactics and sent him a message, wishing him well, apologizing for disappearing but explained that I did what I thought I had to do at the time, and wished him health and happiness and left it at that. That was all I needed to say. Should be fine. Life really IS very funny sometimes. I will update you if there is anything to update. I forgot how beautiful he was...NO! *hitting myself with a rolled up newspaper* NO! ;)

The Explosion

Sometimes it needs to happen. Too much pressure will always make things explode. Apologies to my readers for getting so intense, however, now that I've said what I needed to say, rather, written what I needed to write, I feel much better.
I woke up today, feeling hungover and wiped out...so I slept for a little while longer and then felt better. I got the call today that I was expecting, and officially have a new job. I'm super excited. This new chapter in this spinster's life is going to be a great one. I've already decided that I will be paying off my debt, which isn't too big, and then hopefully by next year, I will be moving back to the city and out of the family house. I will be making enough to not only live alone, but live comfortably. It will be great.
Yes, indeed...this is going to be a wonderful year!

Continued...

"She won't help the hungry, once a month at your tombolas, she'll simply take control, as you DISAPPEAR!"

Dear Parents...

It is YOUR fault that this is happening. You think you are so great, with your civil rights movements and marches! You, fucking baby boomers. You hippies turned to YUPPIES. Yuppies! The world used to be important to you. The country used to be important to you. Equal rights used to be important to you. Then, one day, you finished college. You got a job, and a mortgage, and a wife and had kids...You bred neurotic insomniacs! Oh yes. You left us a world full of problems. A society that continues to punish people for being who they are. Who GOD made them! And you bred lovers and haters. Activists and nay-sayers! And now we have to deal with all this bullshit! We lose sleep because of you! Do you even care anymore??? Now that you have the mortgage and electric bills, cell phones and foodsavers?? Does it matter anymore? Or are you only concerned with who wins on American Idol and The Amazing Race? Is Jack Bauer your hero?? Really? Are you even AWARE that all this other bullshit is going on?? Do you know that the weight of the world rests on MY shoulders? On ALL of our shoulders??? Do you still expect Mother's Day presents and Father's Day presents??? WHY>? Because you gave birth to us? Because you fertilized the egg? With all the important things that should have been done to make our world a BETTER place rather than this crazy place that we are dealing NOW? FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUR MARCHES, FUCK YOUR ACTIVISM! It was all just a something to do while you were searching for your PERFECT mate. We will deal with this. We will stop all this nonsense. We will stand by as your American Dream kills our planet! And we will prevail! FUCK YOU, BABY BOOMERS! YOU SUCK!

Alice...in Wonderland?

"Backward, forward, outward, inward, bottom to the top, never a beginning there can never be a stop!"

It's just how I'm feeling tonight. I'm on my 5th beer and going to finish the 6-pack. Then going to watch the Disney version of Alice in Wonderland. Then will hopefully have animated dreams that make sense of this crazy world.

Here's to hoping!

Cheers!

A Very Merry Unbirthday to You

This country and all of it's crazy antics and the crazy antics of it's people is beginning to make me feel as confused as when I read Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass.

Nonsense...so much absolute nonsense is crammed into the day, it makes my head hurt. This civil rights issue with the immigration and Joe Leiberman asking to take away citizenship if you are associated with questionable groups, the back and forth...the angry tea partyers against the ever growing angry "regular" people. Nonsense against Common Sense. Again, it reminds me of the nonsense that came out Lewis Carroll's head...The Lion and the Unicorn...fighting in a giant cloud of dust...

http://frank.mtsu.edu/~rbombard/RB/Texts/LookingGlass/ch7.html

You can read it for yourself.

`The Lion and the Unicorn were fighting for the crown:
The Lion beat the Unicorn all round the town.
Some gave them white bread, some gave them brown;
Some gave them plum-cake and drummed them out of town.'

`Does -- the one -- that wins -- get the crown?' she asked, as well as she could, for the run was putting her quite out of breath.

`Dear me, no!' said the King. `What an idea!'

EXACTLY! All of this nonsensical fighting isn't doing anyone any good! It's a futile fight! Elephants against Donkeys, fighting for something that neither of them will ever own! What an idea! What an idea indeed! It never ends...it never will end. But how do we make sense of it? Really? There is a Jewish congressman trying to take away our basic rights as a citizen? Of being a citizen if we read the wrong newsletter or book or email the wrong person?? A JEWISH congressman?? Does he not realize that that idea is SO Third Reich-esque that it is sickening?

None of it makes any sense. The teapartyers are just as absurd as the Mad Hatter and March Hare...before they are even really gaining momentum of fighting a battle, they lose interest and move on to something else. "CLEAN CUP, CLEAN CUP, MOVE DOWN!"

And somewhere Keith Olbermann is the Chesher Cat telling us to stop trying to make sense of all of this and just go with it.

The rest of us are Alice, incapable of dealing with so much nonsense, more than any person can digest. And we get discouraged and wiped out. So exhausting! Everyday is the start of a campaign. Imagine just ONE birthday every year! Ah, but there are 364 UNbirthdays, precisely why we're gathered here to cheer! I guess so. Everyday is something else. Some more nonsense to try to comprehend.

It's too much. These days Rachel Maddow isn't even able to talk me down from my confused and aggravated state. I just get more aggravated and then drink. And then try to conclude some metaphor in order to make any sense out of any of it. It's barely keeping me afloat. Barely.

Ch-ch-ch-Changes...

Well I got the job. As I came to work today, I felt a little sad, but also excited. Last night I was outside smoking, and I glanced at my reflection in the sliding door and I could see my eyes. My eyes were bright, and I hadn't seen that in a long time. Later as I brushed my teeth, I glance at myself again, and my eyes were bright and brown. For so long my eyes have been dull and lifeless. I didn't have makeup on, there was no good lighting...but there they were. My eyes. The eyes I remembered from before my ex sucked the life out of them...and before I spent my nights worrying about 200 old people. The light is back. This is going to be great. I can feel it. And I've already been offered a Lola sitting job, my part time dog. When making the decision to leave, I did take into account the animals that I've made such good friends with, it will be hard to leave Gabby, and she seems to already know that things are changing. Since her dad died, she spends most of the day with me at my desk. But she knows that I love her. And it turns out that at least 3 of my favorite residents are moving out as well, so it all just makes sense. Yes, change, at least this change is going to be good. And I get to dog sit Lola...that's her. This is gonna be great!

Menstruation

"Never trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die!" Indeed. It's been 3 years since I last had a period, and I can honestly say I DID NOT miss it. This is most horrible. The pain alone is close to unbearable, the irritability almost caused a murder earlier today, but the worst part, by far, is the bleeding. I seriously should be unconscious by now. How can there be so much blood??? Amazing.

I would think that once the fallopian tubes are blocked off, the ovulation process should cease. It really should. However, as nature has shown us time and time again, that no matter how much we fuck with it's course, it will always win in the end. Maybe my body is making up for lost time due to my own messing with nature through birth control pills for the last 3 years? I don't know. I do know that I am not happy. Chocolate helps boys! It truly does. For 10 minutes today I forgot that I was in agony and enjoyed a rich, chocolaty lava cake. I felt giddy and wonderful...like the last time I menstruated and my mom gave me an Oxycontin. Bliss! No pain! No worries! And then it was over.

I went to the store to buy my "products" and had been out of the loop so long, I forgot the brand and type I preferred. I did however, find a PMS medicine that was made my a company that figured out that putting a mild sedative in the medicine would decrease the chances of a homicide...it's brilliant really. So I take two of those every 4 hours or so, and I might can manage the rest with other pills. Ibuprofen. Acetaminophen. Aspirin. Careful when you stand up, make sure everything is in place! FUCK.

This is mother nature at her worst. Cruel and unusual punishment for what?? For being female? It's not right! Stella Artois helped a little. But I don't even have the proper underwear for this anymore. Must make a trip to Target to get my "Period underwear"...yes that's right boys...we have to have special underwear that can be abused and stained by mother nature in all her cruelty. Bitch. And you too MOON. You also are a BITCH. And thanks to both of you, SO AM I!

Wish me luck on my job interview tomorrow. I want to call and reschedule, but I that would give the impression that I ALWAYS call in sick when I'm bleeding. Which I don't. This job could be perfect...I only have to use my good customer service skills for about 5 minutes for each customer. I will spend most of my time in my car and can be a bitch there, and fake it for 5 minutes at a time. It will be good. I can fake it through my interview. I COULD call and say that this is my first period in 3 years, so it's particularly horrible, but no, too much information for a guy who might be my boss. He doesn't deserve that. It will be fine.

Ok, I've officially been sitting in this position for too long and must stand up, slowly, and go back to bed and finish watching Weeds. Careful, careful, ok.

Disclaimer: I thought about apologizing in advance for this to my male readers, but fuck it...you don't have to experience it, and might learn a thing or two from my brutal and graphic honesty. Chocolate. Chocolate. Keep your mouth shut. Chocolate. You're welcome.

The Rat Race

When I was in my 20's I was job hunting and I saw that Bon-Macy's was hiring...Now just Macy's. So I filled out an online application, got an interview, and they were so impressed that they offered me my choice of where I wanted to work. Had a chosen to work in the back, I might still be there today, but probably not. I chose to work in Housewares. They put me in Fine China and Glassware. Plates lined with Platinum that sold for $100 EACH...PER PLATE. So imagine wanting an entire set? $1000 at least. Glassware by Calvin Klein, Kate Spade, Vera Wang....I don't even remember...it was fucking ridiculous. WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER PAY THAT MUCH FOR DINNERWARE??? You can go to Target and get everything you need for a hundred dollars! I spent my first day in awe of the different champagne flutes, trying like hell not to break anything...talk to my mom and she will tell you that this spinster should never be allowed around fine china. I dusted it carefully, and made it shine. Didn't make a single sale the whole day. I didn't care. I was scared of customer service, because there was no way I could EVER convince someone that paying so much for dinnerware was a good idea. NEVER. My second day, I looked around and wondered what the fuck I was doing there? I made it through. I went out to smoke and found myself in the midst of the downtown rat race. The last place I wanted to be. My third day, I parked my car, caught the bus downtown, clocked in, dusted, shined, sold some glass Swarkofski bullshit trinket and came to a realization that I did not belong. I decided maybe if I went to lunch it would be better...I clocked out...stepped outside into the rat race...a bus stopped and it was headed toward my car....I got on it....got to my car and never went back...except to get my last paycheck which was very uncomfortable. I almost forfeited it. Almost. I dressed up with hoodies and sunglasses and got my check, THEN never went back. I hate the rat race. I don't belong in it.

Taking Steps...Leaps...Bounds

Well, I did it. I went during work to turn in my application to deliver pizza for a wonderful pizza place. It's two blocks over from where I work now, which means if the people here order pizza, I might be their delivery person. It's perfect. Ok, no need to get my hopes up. But I have an interview at 4 on Saturday. My kinda time. And it's way better money than I make here. And I can pet sit for my old people here, and go to work...and get paid for it all the way around.

I must put an end to these nightmares. Staying awake until 5am every night/morning having the image of my new fat cat manager poking my back with a metal rod is no way to live. This is the time. This is always the time. When I start having nightmares about work, it's time to go.

I've always wanted to deliver pizza for a living. It certainly is less life-consuming than what I'm doing now. Just me and my car and the smell of awesome pizza. Why not? I'll see what my dreams have to say about it tonight and the moon is always honest with me.

I've experienced this before. The end of a chapter always begins with nightmares of continuing the chapter. I've never been one to stay stuck in a rut for too long. Yes, this could be really good.

The Randall to My Dante

Was talking to T last night and when talking about work, he quoted "Clerks" at me. When Randall is telling Dante that he's such a pussy and never stands up for himself. I told T that I have an inner Randall, but at work, I'm forced to be Dante. And being Dante sucks. And my Randall is constantly arguing with my Dante.

Randal Graves: So, your argument is that title dictates behavior?

Dante Hicks: What?

Randal Graves: The reason you won't let me use your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right?

Dante Hicks: Exactly.

Tabloid Reading Customer: I saw one, one time, that said, "The next week, the world is ending." And in the next week's paper, they said, "We were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a koala-fish mutant bird." Crazy shit.

Randal Graves: So, I'm no more responsible for my decisions here than, say, a Death Squad soldier in Bosnia?

Dante Hicks: Oh, now, that's stretching it. You're not being asked to slay children or anything.

Randal Graves: Yeah, not yet. [takes a drink of water]

Tabloid Reading Customer: And I remember this one time- [Randal spits water at him]

Tabloid Reading Customer: I'm going to break your fucking head! You fucking jerk-off!

Dante Hicks: Sir! Sir, I'm sorry! He meant to hit me.

Tabloid Reading Customer: Yeah, well, he missed!

Dante Hicks: Yeah, I know. Here, let me refund your money, and we'll call it even, alright?

Tabloid Reading Customer: I'll never come in here again. [to Randal]

Tabloid Reading Customer: And if I see you again, I'm gonna break your fucking head open! [Randal salutes him as he leaves]

Dante Hicks: What the fuck'd you do that for?

Randal Graves: Two reasons. One, I hate it when people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.

Dante Hicks: Oh, Jesus!

Randal Graves: And two, to prove a point. Title does not dictate behavior.

Dante Hicks: What?

Randal Graves: If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit water at that guy. But I did. So, my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Even though I work in a video store, I choose to go rent movies at Big Choice. Agreed?

Dante Hicks: [gives Randal his car keys] You are a danger to both the dead and the living.

Randal Graves: I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.

Dante Hicks: Please, get the hell outta here.

Randal Graves: You know I'm your hero.

Yep. Randall IS my hero...I wish I could spit water at stupid people. I don't think that my title dictates my behavior. However, my inner Dante is always behaving as his title dictates.

I have to find a new title. I have to find something to make both of them calm. They are at war right now. Also, I have my new boss, in my head, poking me with something sharp...in my head, I can see him, with a metal rod, poking me in the back and smirking. "What DO you DO here???" And my Randall response is "Nothing" but my Dante response is "I am here because you pay me to be here, even though once I get here, there is nothing to do. But in case there is someone who needs something from me, I'm available." My inner Randall whispers "PUSSY".

Yes. Time for a new title.

Phase One Complete...Phase Two GO

Phase one: Sterilization - CHECK! Phase Two: New Employment...

Although I love my old people like I was obligated to love them, I have to move on. The new boss man is already questioning my worth and I cannot claim that just being here for support or someone to talk to is a valid reason to pay me by the hour. Sometimes they just want someone to talk to...who knows them. That is me. That won't change. They all have my cell number and know they can call me whenever, the fact remains, that in the eyes of the corporation, I am very close to obsolete.

It's funny...obsolete, me? I feel like I do so much, but when it comes down to making a list, most of the things I do, are supposed to be paid for through the concierge. I don't charge. The corporation likes to nickel and dime these people to death, until death, and I won't be a part of it. I do things to be nice. Because I'm capable of doing something that they cannot. If they choose to reward me, then great, but I never expect it. I only want to go to sleep at night, knowing that I did what I could do. Last night I couldn't get to sleep...I could feel my boss questioning my worth. I can't lose sleep over this. Must fix the problem. Stay Tuned.

The End of a Chapter

Common sense, morality, compassion...these are things that come naturally to most people, probably to all people at some point or another. When you add power and money to the mix, these three aspects of our human nature go right out the window. That is my own observation. Occasionally you get a Bill Gates or a Barrack Obama, and they have a way of maintaining those aspects, but mostly money and power seem to drive the good out of people and pull the evil in. I work for a corporation, I must remember that. I used to think of it as a company, a family that provided a nice retirement community for people who were able to afford it. Things have changed. If I believed in the Antichrist, I would believe that he was hired as our new GM. Money is the number one issue...how to make more money! Employees, residents, family, nope. Money. This new GM is so pathetic and generic. At our first team meeting, he compared what we do to Disneyland. No joke. Cause moving out of your house of 40 years where you raised your kids and lived with your spouse who is now gone and moving into a studio apartment is just like going to Disneyland?! I'm pretty sure this man went to business school. I'm pretty sure he attended a motivational speaker event at some point, probably sponsored by walmart, and just blurted it out to us, recycled drivel as far as I'm concerned. I would like to stay and take care of my old people, but I'm afraid that this chapter of my life is about to end, and a new one is about to begin. I'll find a way to still be a part of their lives, but I can't do it this way. Not with this corporate zombie constantly looking to see why he's paying me. Nope. It's time to go.

Roses

Mary Jean's roses are still thriving. Even without her there to prune them or to defend them from pests, they still thrive. I have to embrace her roses. I have Gabby to remind me of how much I cared about Warren. It was harder with Mary Jean because she was tiring, but was still able to do things. I took my leave of absence, and she fell and broke her hip, had an operation to fix it and was OK, then went to a nursing home to recover, and then she got really tired. I talked to her every Saturday night while I was on leave and she was in the nursing home. I thought it was temporary and I thought I would see her again. She said to me on my last night before my leave "What am I going to do without you here?!" I told her I would still talk to her and the month would be over and I would be back before she knew it. It was 3 weeks and she was gone. She told me the week before she died that she was done. I told her that she was allowed to be done when she was ready. I still didn't expect it. It hasn't even been a year, and every day her absence is really strong. I spent every night visiting with her in her last year, talking, telling stories, building a bond I didn't think was possible between such different people. But she told me that I was like a daughter to her. I don't have that kind of connection with my own grandmothers, but I do with some of the people here. I still feel her. I still feel like she's watching over me.

She was the toughest person I ever met. She lived for years without a pancreas! She had found out about her pancreatic cancer and told them to remove it...they warned her that people cannot live without a pancreas. She did for several years. She chose to live. She chose to die. I think she was ready to live another life in spirit, because her body was broken. She is still here. Still taking special care of her roses.

Destruction and Beauty

No matter how terrifying life can be, there seems to be something beautiful about it as well. Today is one of those days. I almost crashed on the freeway today, but then I didn't, and was thankful. My heart was racing, and I was thankful. A volcano erupts in Iceland and although it put a stop on flights in and out of Europe for a while, this picture symbolizes how beautiful it can be. Some people saw this with their own eyes, and although at the time were dwelling on being stuck at the airport, I wonder if they will remember this spectacular vision! The last earthquake that we had here in Seattle, my Jade Buddha almost killed me...it dropped off a shelf above my head and landed on my pillow next to my head, and woke me up...the shaking didn't wake me up, the Buddha did. It was a memory that will never fade, so long as I have my Buddha. It's like he said "WAKE UP! There is an earthquake and you need to experience it!" It was scary. I was alone with my cats in a really old building and we swayed for a while, but I experienced it.

Today is the kind of day that I hold on to. I feel good. I feel like everything will be OK, no matter what. Everything is fine today. I'm looking forward to whatever the day brings. Because as I've learned from life, everything happens for a reason. Life is good.

On the Slab

I had my pre-op appointment today with my doc. He tried to convince me that it is way too dangerous to do this tubal ligation surgery and that we should wait. He said if he can't get where he needs to go with a small incision, he will make it bigger and may have to cut my entire abdomen open. I could actually die from this? Well, if I tried to have a child and carried it full term, it might also kill me...so fuck it.
I think it will be fine. I think he is trying to scare me because he thinks I'm too young to make this decision. Too bad. My body, my choice.
While shaping my life to be what I want it to be, I must do what I have to in order to prevent anything getting in my way. Children would ruin my plans. Nope.
If I die on the table, I hope my legacy was worth something.
Hopefully I will be here to update my readers on Monday. If not, know I loved you.
Spinster

Anticipating the Arrival of the Moon

28 days go by in between the cycles of the moon. It's no coincidence that many other aspects of life go in 28 day cycles, including my own emotional cycle...and no, I am not talking about menstruation...but rather, an emotional shift. I look for the moon, I try to make time every night to see where the moon is, where it rises and sets, how much of it is visible, I welcome it when it's full, I say out loud "Hello Moon!"...really, I actually do. Sometimes the moon gives me a wink, in which the air and cosmic energy is different, but it leaves it at that. Most of the time, the moon wreaks havoc on my world, along with the whole world. The energy is so intense that it can change my mood, it can push me down, step on me and walk away without guilt...onto the next victim. I don't know if other people feel the same about the moon as I do, but even with all of it's massive influence, I still love to see it. I love to follow it home. I love to watch life wake up in it's extreme light at night. I don't need a porch light, I have the moon. When the moon's power fades, a few days after it's greatest moment in it's own cycle, I feel normal again. Daily life returns, porch lights come on, routines resume. But a few days before the moon is full, when it starts to make it's presence known, it transforms me. It hypnotizes me. I see things in a different light, figuratively and literally. Flowers are at their fullest and brightest. Catastrophes are at their most horrible. My funny bone gets accidentally bumped on the corner of the door many more times. I cry more. I laugh more. I think more. I love more. I hate more. I contemplate more. I look around more. I look more closely. I smell more. I taste more. I crave more. Desire, I desire in a most intense way. (With regards to desire...you know when you have those dreams, where things are as vivid as they possibly can be? And at some point, it turns from a strange movie into a sex dream and you can feel every touch, smell every smell and you are almost to the point of a mind blowing orgasm but you wake up just before, and are left frustrated all day? Next time that happens, take a look to see where the moon has been and if the moon has an alibi for last night?!) And then that 28th day comes around and there it is, in all it's power and glory! The full moon...looking at me with it's ravenous energy...I have both a great respect and a great fear of it. I think I know what it is capable of...I've seen it at it's worse...haven't I? I've seen it at it's best...haven't I? Of course not, silly girl, you have only been around for about 370 moons...and for too long you gave it no notice and no respect...now it demands both. I will submit myself to it's power. I will give it what it wants. Or it will give me what I secretly want? Oh great Luna, you know exactly what you want from me...I wish you would clue me in ahead of time on occasion. I sound like a hippie...I don't care. There is plenty to be said about the power and influence of the moon.

Unhappy Servants Makes for Unhappy Customers

A guy goes to community college or trade school, takes a few motivational speaking lectures, and then gets his degree running businesses and voila! A bureaucrat is born! Yes, the business school bureaucrat. He shows up one day to run a business...my business. The business of old people. This isn't a retail store, this is not a real estate company. We are in the business of making people comfortable in their last stages of their lives. We make them feel comfortable, give them whatever they need to be happy, we smile, we love, we care. Money is for the accountant to deal with. Now, they are bribing us with ten dollar gift cards to convince people to move in.
I remember working for what used to the Bon Marche, and somehow got stuck in the fine china department. Plates with platinum lining, were $100 each! There was no way I could convince anyone that I believed it to be worth the money. I didn't. I knew I was not in my element, so I clocked out for lunch, went out for a smoke, instead, got on a bus and went home. I had to go.
This job is all about the people. I believe they pay too much and that at times they are being swindled...I will not participate. These are real people, with feelings who are at a crossroads in their lives, and I will not see them as giant dollar signs. Nope. I will find a new source of employment before I try to be a sneaky, snaky bureaucrat.
The boss is a jackass. We all know it. We all see it. We are unhappy about it. The residents are unhappy that we are unhappy.

Venting

As of the 23rd of this month, I will no longer be able to conceive unwanted children. That is awesome, I cannot wait.
My new boss at work is kind of, I'm not really sure. We had our first meeting with him and he said some good things, and is going to make the dining staff get CPR/First Aid certified, which they should have been when they got hired. But he is ignoring my building of independent living seniors. I brought up the concern that at night if someone has an emergency, the doors are locked and the medics cannot get in. I heard the usual response..."Well, they ARE independent." Yes, but they still pay a lot of money to live here, and one of the amenities is having 24-hour security and staff available. It only takes one bad night to turn a fully independent person into needing assisted living services. He took my pager away, and is going to leave all the paging to the caregivers, cause that worked out so well on Sunday, when NO ONE responded to a smoke warning...finally I had to do it, even though it was the other building. It makes me feel uneasy. It makes me want to leave. I am now waiting for something horrible to happen at night, after I leave. Sometimes it sucks to care so much. It really does.
I am applying for scholarships, grants and general breaks in tuition costs. I can take Anthropology courses online through OSU, and that would be fine. I do however, need to rethink my work. This place, these people take up so much of my life, I don't know that I will be able to hold on to the class information. Still working on it. I'm exhausted.
Looking forward to an old friend coming home.

Embracing the Chaos?

I am feeling many different emotions at the moment. I feel sad, because I heard a song that reminded me of Kerry. I'm feeling contemplative because of my future plans and current situation. I feel like talking to someone, however, I don't know what I would say, and the only two people available are cynical and make a lot of jokes...one makes more jokes than the other, but they are the only ones awake now. I feel like crying because of it all. I need to write to try to get it all out of my head. I don't really have anything specific to say...I feel...blank. I feel like a piece of paper that has on it, too many scribbles to make out anything that can be called a picture. I feel pain. My body is making clear it's exhaustion. I feel like I could use a hug. I don't feel like being touched. I feel like I am in desperate need of someone who can hug me without it being weird. It used to be easier when times were less complicated...before a long, drawn out hug led to sex. Sex is great, but it's not what I need...being held is what I want and need. I feel sad that I push people away who might have been available to hold me. I feel sad that the rest can't be trusted. I feel sad for the resident who's story of childhood and adulthood was so incredibly horrible, and wish she could have experienced love. I feel sad that Georgia isn't around. Georgia would have understood. I feel sad that my babies really want me to go lay down and snuggle and that I'm not ready to yet. I feel sad that I only have a couple hours each day to really spend with them. I feel angry that my job takes up so much of my fucking time that even the idea of school makes me more exhausted. I feel like I am wasting time. I feel like it would make it better if people just knew. I feel excited and sad that I won't have children. Only slightly sad...mostly excited. I wish my body would stop hurting. I hate money. I hate that I NEED money. I hate that I work hard to make money, and give it all away to vendors and bill collectors. Ok, bill collectors don't really get any...some do. The important ones. I wish I had done better. I don't regret doing it poorly. These things plague me. My brain is overloaded with puzzles that I can't seem to solve. Maybe it's not time to solve them. Maybe I'll know when it IS time. Maybe not, and I will miss my opportunity. Maybe my birth control is finally wearing off after 3 years and I'm simply PMS-ing? Who knows. Who EVER knows? I am happy that I didn't misspell one word.

Buddha Ruse

I was watching a program about The Buddha the other night, and I really admire the basic way of thinking by Buddhists. I would hear something so incredibly obvious, that I would say to myself "I should start paying attention and following some of these teachings." Then just a second or two later, I my other self would say "No WAY! You are an activist! You get mad too easily and worked up and feel like fighting to death for your beliefs!" The two me's were throwing punches inside my head all night. I want to be at peace and enjoy life and nature and all it's miracles...but so many people are destroying it that I have to fight for it's right to BE!...but life is going to happen the way it is going to happen, and I have no control over this, so why not sit back, breathe deeply and take it all in...BECAUSE I have a job to do! I have a purpose for being on this earth! Not just to sit back and relax, but to fight to make it a better place!

It gave me a headache! All this fighting, one of me wanting desperately to do what I (believe) was put here to do! And my other me, finding so much logic in Buddha's teachings, nodding in agreement. Is that what he is so smug about? Because he KNOWS how much it makes sense and how HARD it is to practice such peace? I looked over at my Jade Buddha, with his fat belly and big grin, and wondered until I fell asleep.

I've read a lot of the bible, as much as I can, and continue to learn about the bible, not for the sake of enlightenment, but just for entertainment. It fascinates me. Such wild stories! But I NEVER feel like any of it applies to me. I've opened my mind to other religions and beliefs and some of them are sort of understandable, and some are simply bat-shit crazy, and others are so far from everything I believe in, I avoid it like the plague. I've never felt like I've been searching for any spiritual guidance. I feel like I have an agreement with nature, or god, or whatever...and a lot of it is so similar to Buddhist teachings...but the activist in me, the one who is going to Africa to fight against people trying to destroy such beauty, cannot just sit back and accept it. I think that might just be the point. That is why Buddha is so fucking smug...because I HAVE to find my own enlightenment. We all do. No one can tell us what we NEED to know to get to enlightenment. No man, no deities, no texts. (As you may have noticed, I have just figured this out NOW, as I write.) Ok then. Off I go.

When Nothing Helps

Mourning is something that is natural for several instances in life. The loss of a friend or family member, either by death or just a final fight. The loss of what you hoped was your "forever" person. The loss of a pet (for me, that's the worst of them). These things require certain feelings. Nobody can make you NOT feel those feelings. And yet, we plead to NOT feel these extreme emotions. Anything! Alcohol, drugs, sex, sitting in a dark room, going out and pretending nothing is wrong. We fight grief so much, but are we making it worse in the end? I've been through a lot in life. I've lost friends to death, friends who were much too young. I've lost family members who were too young, and some too old. I've lost the person who I believed was my "forever" person. I've lost pets, too soon and as planned. No amount of condolences can make it any better, or make sense of it all. Hugs seem to make it worse...and yet people are so quick to hug you when you are grieving. (I am guilty of that at work.) No amount of alcohol makes it go away, often it makes you feel it even more. Whenever I lose a pet, I go straight to the liquor store...I get a bottle of coconut rum and Barq's root beer and drink and cry. When I realized that my "forever" person had been lying to me for years and would never come through on any promises or plans, and I fell out of love, I didn't cry. But I was pissed! That wasn't the plan. Later, of course, I realized that it was the best thing that could have happened, and I just wish I would have figured this out sooner. Nevertheless, nothing helped. It didn't help when my friends told me how horrible he was, and that they never liked him. That made it a lot worse. How could I have gone so long and been so blind??? Made me feel stupid and duped. And yet, that is what I heard over and over. "I never liked him." or "He wasn't good enough for you!" Well, what does that say about me? Eventually, we move on. Scarred and battered from all those hard, sharp emotions, I made it. Bitter and jaded...but with a new focus. I realized that people die. People disappoint. Pets die. And there isn't a damn thing we can do about it, but to feel each emotion, no matter how sharp it is, and how much blood it draws, and then after we have bled and cried as much as we can, the next thing to do is to find something to focus on. A purpose of our own. Not be a part of someone else's purpose. But find YOUR reason for being here. What are YOU going to do with your talents and time?? I have figured mine out. What's yours?

Oh...an important side note: Don't forget about the people you CAN count on. They are few and far between, but we all have a couple. Even when nothing they say makes it better...don't forget to find them when you need them.

Intentions

My intentions for my life are not noble or brave. I simply want to do something significant with my time on earth. Not for the sake of recognition or praise, but for the sake of feeling like I've done something selfless. I WILL go to Africa, I WILL fight the poachers who kill protected animals for the sake of medicine and food. I WILL dedicate my life to something I believe in. It will not be profitable, it will not be safe, and I would be happy to die while doing what I know to be the right thing to do. I am not made for marriage and children. I am not made to own real estate. I do what I do, because I want to help those that cannot help themselves. We were lucky enough to be allowed to inhabit the earth, and yet we continue to destroy it and everything else that lives with us. I am not sure that God exists. I have no idea if what I believe is true. But I will do what I have to do anyway. Because I truly believe that there is a greater purpose for me being here. I have to believe it. The time has come to stop worrying about things like love and vanity. It's time to start my task. It begins now.

Imagine the Tedium part I

If anyone has ever had a horribly boring job before, where you felt like you were doing nothing of importance, just menial and routine tasks day in and day out, contributing absolutely nothing to the world...just imagine for a moment being retired. Imagine having worked for 30, 40 or 50 years at the same job, providing for your family, and maybe not changing the world, but at least pulling your own weight. Then one day, it's your retirement day. All of a sudden, your purpose in life has changed. People tell you to "Relax! Enjoy your freedom!" but you still wake up at the same time every morning, drink your coffee, eat your oatmeal or eggs and bacon, and then just when you would normally be getting in your car to head to work or heading to the bus stop, you look around and realize that you have nowhere you need to be...nothing you have to do today. The kids have long since left the nest, your spouse is gone, or incapable or just too damn old and tired to want to travel or get together with other retired friends. Day in and day out, you look around trying to find a way to contribute to the world, but at every turn there is someone wanting to do it for you. It frustrates you because you are perfectly capable of doing it yourself...ok maybe not, but you are going to at least try. Then after a year or two, the tedium of retirement catches up to you. Retirement...pfft! Retirement was supposed to be your golden years, when you could sell the house, pack the RV and head across the country, or go on cruises around the world. But the stress your body has gone through after having done the same menial tasks for 30 or more years makes it impossible to enjoy being free. Aches and pains plague you, you cannot enjoy that wine tasting because your sense of smell is failing you. Your doctor is concerned about your heart, and having so much faith in the docs word, you follow the low sodium dietary restrictions, so there goes the taste of food. Your telephone can't get any louder without waking up the neighborhood, but you cannot hear high pitch noises any longer, as your hearing is failing. You pick up the newspaper every morning and struggle to read the tiny print...I swear the print used to be bigger. No it was never any bigger, your eye sight is failing you. I would like to go for a walk but it's so cold for May! No it is actually warmer than usual, only your skin has gotten thin and blood flows slower, and therefore your body has lost some of it's natural ability to regulate your body temperature...you get colder, faster. Maybe if we move to a retirement community, where we can meet other retirees and play bridge and go to dances and have parties with people our own age. So you do, your spouse kicking and screaming all the while, not wanting to rot at the death factory! So you get to this new life, a new apartment to decorate with all your old furniture but less space...no matter, it's a new beginning. Indeed. You go for your first meal and walk into the dining room and suddenly, you have a Deja vu...holy shit! It's the first day of a new school all over again! Where do you sit? With whom? Of course, just your luck, you choose a table with a single, old man sitting there. You go to sit in a chair across from him and you hear "I don't want you to sit there!" you reply "I'm really a very nice person." The old man responds "Well I'm not!" so you move on. Find a group of ladies who sound a little like a flock of birds, you sit and they welcome you. This is fine. It will be fine. Your spouse decided to stay home for the meal, bring something home for me! You spend your meals trying to keep track of the conversation that seems to be going all over the place. They cannot hear each other! You make it through the meal, somehow not choking on the piece of meat the kitchen tried to pass off as pork roast, though there is no amount of low sodium gravy that could make that into pork roast. You bring a to go plate with a ham sandwich and some potato chips for the spouse. It's 8:00 p.m. and almost time for bed. But why? I don't HAVE to get up at 5! because it is just the way you do it. Because it's always the way you've done it, and always will be.