I put an ad on
Craigslist calling all geeks. I got over 70 responses in 24 hours and thought I'd hit the jackpot, though many of them were not what I was looking for, or I was not what they were looking for. I did meet a couple of keepers from the pile of emails, as if emails are capable of piling, and even decided to meet one that I was particularly fond of. We have a lot in common, he's smart, funny and cute...and "getting divorced"? As usual, I took that to mean actually getting divorced, like the papers are signed and all that. So after several emails and phone conversations, I decided to meet him in person for a drink after work. We had a great evening together, talked for a couple of hours, had a first kiss and I went home. Elated as I was, I noticed that something in him had changed. He had not changed, which was refreshing, because most guys do, but he didn't seem as excited as he was at first. We had made plans for a second date, or so to speak, and I asked him to be my date for New Year's Eve and he accepted...but then, he started to write. I'm happy he was able to see the benefit of putting your soul out on paper, or computer screen rather, but as he reflected, he began to question whether or not to go "crawling back" to his estranged wife. And it was then, I realized that I was, yet again, putting myself at risk of being hurt. I have been in this situation before and although in that case, I didn't really like him that much, I still was hurt by the whole situation, and I had to wonder why I expect so much from other people and don't expect much FOR myself. Why do I keep sabotaging myself? So we both decided, after my prompt, to step back until he figures his shit out, and I felt a little sad. He truly is a catch, but is all conflicted and I just am going to lose. He said IF he signs the divorce papers, he would call, but should I even allow myself to be available? He never lied, he was up front about it all, even about his feelings regarding his marriage and such, but I feel defensive now, and I am not sure what to think about it all. I really liked him, and I felt a tiny bit of heartbreak when it was over...in fact, it was the first time in a long time I really liked someone. So do I expect that I will ever see him again...?? I'm not so sure. It seemed like the perfect plan, I place an ad calling all geeks and nerds, I find a couple to keep around and hopefully connect with someone, and I have, don't get me wrong. I have a new friend who I like talking to, but I'm not sure what his expectations are of me. I've been hurt 3 times in the last year, including the most recent, and I'm wondering if I am being too defensive or what? Maybe just having a friend to talk to is all I really should expect right now. Maybe I shouldn't be out in the dating world. What if I'm still damaged? What if everyone is too damaged to deal with my damaged soul? Maybe I'm just rationalizing because I'm still a little miffed that I can't seem to get the knack of this whole dating thing. My relationships are ALWAYS so
dysfunctional, maybe I am doomed to be the spinster in distress forever and ever. Gawd, how depressing. Maybe my expectations are way too great, and all my fantasies are ruining my attempts at reality. What the fuck am I doing wrong?
