I Know What Boys Like...At Least I Thought I Did.

SO. Since the last time I wrote about my excursions in spinsterhood, (I know it was a while ago) I was "dating" someone who I actually liked. As it turned out, we were just doing the friends with benefits thang. It sucked, but it's fine now. He is still a great friend. No, really. He has helped me through a lot of my drama over the last month, and the truth is, so far, he's been the best lay out of all these boys.
I keep trying out new boys, and aside from my last fling with my FWB, they have all been disappointing. Boys do this thing where they have GIANT BALLS when it comes to text messaging and chatting. In some respect, we all do. However, these boys either chicken out when I call their bluff or show up and are not what I expected or are totally bizarre!
Guys are kind of "monkey-see, monkey-do" characters, so there is a certain list of things I expect to have to deal with thanks to the boys watching far too much porn. I can handle the, ya know, cumming on this or that, I don't really get how that makes it better, but whatever. No harm in it. That being said, I do not understand the more bizarre preferences. For instance, pulling my hair can be OK, not really something that does anything for me really, but if it helps the boy out, then fine. I have strong hair. Covering my mouth so I don't make any noise, including breathing, not so OK. I do not understand it and at that point, I am not sure how to deal with the rest of it. Do I make noise? Do I shut the fuck up?
Then! there is the "fluff girl" roll that is irritating. It really is. I know guys are always worried about cumming too soon, and learning to control yourself in order to go for a while longer is fine. But seriously guys, it does not need to go for more than an hour...really. AND I do not appreciate being snapped at and then you pointing to your dick, as in saying "fluff girl! we need a fluff girl!" Sorry, I am not a trained monkey. Also, when I DO CHOOSE to give a blow job, know this, if you hold my head down and keep trying to push it further down, I will stop. If you make it difficult for me to come up for air, I fill find a way...remember...I have teeth.
And so, at this point, I have given up on two, still trying for one and am keeping the first around for special occasions. He is so easy and agreeable.

Good lord. Spinsterhood is truly exhausting sometimes.

What I Want

Apparently, I do not deserve what or whom I want. So I settle for all the boys lining up to "get to know me" A.K.A. "Fuck Me."

Ah. The life of a spinster. I would feel numb, if I didn't feel so fucking useless. Waste of oxygen.

Hahaha! Prayer!!!

I remember "praying" that I didn't get punched in the face when I was being raped, so that my parents didn't see the bruise. I remember praying many time through life. I keep praying for some strange reason. For what, exactly?

Who even knows. Nothing I do seems to be the right thing to do.

There is an old boy...that I like but I don't think he likes me anymore, as I fucked things up the last time we tried this...and there is a new boy...who REALLY likes me...not ME, but likes looking at me. Is that good enough? It seems like it's really all I deserve. '

Who really wants to love a person like me? I'm so damaged. I don't know that I would want to love someone like me.

Haha. God. Prayer. It's all bullshit. It feels like it's all bullshit. I certainly don't feel any presence of God. I only feel sadness. Ah. The life of a spinster. So fucking useless. A waste of oxygen, really.