What NOW?

I talked to my very first boss today, from when I worked at a music store when I was 16 and we chatted for a while...then I suggested we go get a cup of coffee to catch up... He asked if I was single??? I think he took that as a "let's go get a drink/have a date" sort of thing. S'not good. I'm not trying to date him or anything...I just wanted to catch up with someone I admired. Can the spinster turn this in the direction she wants?! I think I can. Honesty works well. Just as long as it works better than the alcohol. God it's frustrating when you comes to terms with the fact that you are no longer a cool chick to the men in your life, but rather a possible fuck. I got this. I can handle it. Can't I?

The Darkness

Once upon a time, a child was born. She was happy, healthy and apparently loved being alive. She celebrated birthdays and Christmas and enjoyed drawing unicorns and flowers. She had two parents who loved her and gave her a brother to play with and eventually torture, as it should be. Shortly following her eigth birthday however, a darkness fell over her. One day changed her life forever. Her grandparents came for a visit and to drop of LOADS of apples in the old red Dodge Ram. She lined up as usual and was helping to unload the truck. Everyone went inside but her grandfather and her. There was something he needed from her. He walked toward her, took her hand and pulled it toward him, she didn't understand until he pulled it toward his trouser zipper...he gripped her wrist tightly, and she was very confused but then she pulled away and ran inside. She pondered what had just occurred for a few minutes and came to the conclusion that she may have misunderstood. She went inside the house where all the family was, most everyone was in the kitchen making dinner and gossiping about other people's lives. She saw her grandfather sitting on the couch alone and was unsure of how to deal with the incident. She heard her grandfather say to her "Mija, come and sit next to me." Being the good, obedient girl she was, she went and sat next to her grandfather. He put his arm around her, she felt slightly uncomfortable due to the previous encounter with him, but she must have imagined it all....as she is thinking this, her grandfather puts his arm around her, at first, laying his hand on her shoulder, then, as everyone in the house is distracted and congregated in the kitchen, he readjusts himself into another position, and reaches his hand to her adolescent, blossoming breast. He grips it, and squeezes it. She knows that this isn't supposed to be happening and doesn't know what to do. The darkness falls. She tries to pull away from her, as he tries to hold her near him. She tells him "let me go!" He fears being caught and lets her leave. She runs to the kitchen to get her mother. Her mom is busy cooking and tells her to wait a minute. She goes to her room and closes the door. The darkness falls. No longer was she innocent and happy. Now her whole world had become scary and sad. Life no longer was good. From then on, she spends her recess period roaming the soccer field at her elementary school, crying. She cries in the shower before school, she cries whenever no one is looking. The story goes and it goes. From that point, that one day, her world starts. Her dark world, where not even your grandparents can be trusted. She grows into a young woman. She experiences what most girls' experience with the rampant hormones flowing through her body, but cannot let anyone too close. They cannot be trusted. Her first kiss is not special. Her first boyfriend is just someone who she makes out with at lunch time who abandons her then comes back...toxic. High school is just four years of crushing on boys who she would run from if they tried to approach. She has grown into a woman. She knows she needs to cross the threshold of sex. If she doesn't, this may last forever, the darkness. So she finds the one person who can be trusted. He helps her out, and after, she feels free. She isn't. Now, she is going to run away from him, she is going to find others', untrustworthy men who deserve to feel the way she feels. She will love them, she will leave them, she will not acknowledge they exist, let alone, that she has given herself to them. This will go on and on. Man after man, they all deserve to feel rotten. She is in control and taking revenge. Her grandfather is dead. She watched him die. She wanted to tell him how much she hated him. But she didn't. So instead, she would show every man how much she hated him. Darkness. She would wake up the morning after and feel the self-loathing. She hated herself, but she couldn't stop herself. Alcohol brought her monster out into the open, looking for it's next victim. It was insatiable. No matter how much pain she caused others, her monster was never satisfied. She eventually went to therapy, thanks to her mother, who had seen the monster, but not at it's worst. The monster went to sleep, but didn't go away. She spent several years without it...mostly...attaching herself to another toxic man that she felt that she needed to survive. One day, the monster woke up. This man had to go. He was unhealthy for the monster. He only fueled her disappointment in men, but the monster was overtaking her. She knew she needed out, but was afraid of who she would become. Now, she is your author. She is conflicted, always fighting with the monster. She wants to be healthy, she wants to be happy, but she knows she never will see the lightness. The darkness will always loom over her. And the monster is always hungry for it's next victim. She doesn't know any life before that one day with the apples. No memories of being a child. No memories of birthdays or Christmas's' or innocence. Her life began when the darkness fell.