Old Men are Easier

No, it's not what you think...I mean to say that when I'm around men my own age, at work or at the grocery store or wherever, I never make eye contact and if for some reason I do, I fake a smile and keep moving. I'm not saying I'm the hottest girl around, I'm not, however, I seem to give off some kind of energy and I try like hell to avoid it. At work, however, the men are easy to be around. I can make eye contact and joke around with them, and it never feels like I'm flirting...I'm more confident in myself...my brain takes charge. I converse with them and I know they respect the things I say and do not see me as a "woman" but as a cool receptionist. Their mother hen. It's awesome. Only a few men I know talk to me like I'm an equal, rather than another girl...(you know who you are)...the rest throw sexual innuendo at me, hoping to get me interested in them as more than just a friend. That sort of thing cannot be forced...no matter how much they tempt my inner animal, I am incredibly resistant and will not cave, if for no other reason than to prove something. Old men around here are fun, funny, intelligent and TOTALLY outside the realm of "attraction" for me. It's awesome. I'm happy and lucky to have that.

Sterilization part III...True Colors

I had my doctor appointment today, and after a lot of arguing, my emotions got the best of me. I am a diabetic and therefore, cannot be pregnant, or give birth...chances are that it would damage my internal organs, my kidneys and pancreas, and then I wouldn't be much of a mother. I do not wish to be a mother, not to a human child anyway, but after an hour of explaining myself to my doc, finally it all broke down. I told him that I don't want to be put in a situation where I have to choose between my health or the health of my offspring. I am pro choice, but personally, am not sure if I could make that choice...I say I can, but when it comes down to it, would I be able to choose abortion? I have no intention of finding out. Lucky for me, my doc is male, and when I started to cry, he sympathized and will be checking with my insurance about getting my tubes tied. I want it done soon, and I want it to be permanent. I have no doubt that I will mourn my ability to give life, however, I intend to make life better for those who need my help the most. It's the animals that need someone like me to speak up and act for them. The animals who are adopted as children, who should be wild and allowed to be who they are...are kept in cages, underfed, dressed up in baby clothes and fed people food...and then when they reach maturity, and do what they do naturally, they are killed most violently. People shouldn't have access to such wild animals, and I intend to dedicate my life to that cause. Dogs and cats are already domestic, and even they can scratch and bite, but chances are they will not eat you. So, never mind my offspring, the line is tainted anyway. I was meant for bigger things. So long fallopian tubes, I hope you had a good run. Sorry to waste your time. It's over...very soon, it will be over.

Sterilization Continued

So I have been doing research online and found that it actually SHOULD be MY choice to get sterilized. I can deal with a normal period, if it still works, as long as the other side effects of the birth control go away. I could lose weight at a normal pace, seeing how I gained at least 30 pounds thanks to the BC transition. Yes, I have the literature and will shove it into my docs face. And if he still won't do it, then I will find a woman doc who will. Stay tuned...oh, by sterilization, I mean getting my "tubes tied"...yes, I would prefer that they take it all out, but if this is something they will do, then great!

Sterilization

Well, another year gone by, another year of constant intake of hormones to control my reproductive process. I have been doing some research, (googling), and found that my birth control intake MIGHT be CAUSING my skin problems. Stupid hormones. I know it has affected me in different ways, which i will not specify, but now CAUSING breakouts??!! I mean, I'm 31! I shouldn't still be having to use anti-acne face soap! So, I have my annual exam with my gynecologist, who is male, but who was the one that told me it was fine to not have periods anymore, and he knows I don't want children. I know I already have at least one fibroid in my uterus, and am hoping for a few more, because I want them to take it all out of me! I'm tired of taking birth control pills, pretty sure my reproductive system is dead, and it causes me pain, so let's be done with it already! I am going to be tough this time Doc. The time has come to stop worrying about breakout facial stuff, and to start worrying about anti-aging facial stuff. For real. Enough. Let's move on.

Road Trip...2010?

Ok, here is my plan. Start from home, and drive through Oregon and California and through Death Valley...no stops...Then to New Mexico, probably explore for a day, then stop to see a friend in Texas, then to Florida to see more friends and then to the Everglades National Forest! That is my ideal road trip. It's a shame that I don't have a road trip buddy, but I will be able to go at my pace, stop when I want, sleep when I want, etc...Yes, this is what I want to do. I need to get a new car first...a rental would cost a pretty penny and I couldn't smoke in it. I HAVE to be able to smoke in my car. Anyone want to come with?

Literally Laughing Out Loud!

I have a coworker that makes me want to shoot myself in the head. He has the strangest and most annoying accent I have ever heard. Keep in mind, I work with many people, from many different countries, I have learned to understand people with thick accents, but this guy is different. His accent is a mixture of Chinese, (which he is) and Swedish. No joke. And he talks really fast, so over a walkie talkie, it is close to impossible to know what the hell he is saying. The weird accent aside, he is just a strange person...and a bad caregiver. Lucky for the residents, they cannot understand him when he is calling them names. Anyhoo...today he was working the swing shift in the other building, and come 8pm, I take over answering phones, and our pharmaceutical company came by with a delivery, as with every night. He calls me, I call a caregiver to go sign for it, done. Simple. So I go through the motions and this particular coworker is in charge of meds tonight. 15 minutes pass, and I get another call from the pharmacy guy, yelling at me because of no one coming to sign...then at the very same time, I have the Swedish chef on the walkie talkie yelling at me to answer him...I tried, but turns out my walkie didn't call out. So when my head began to swell due to the yelling in both ears, I told the pharmacy guy I was coming over. I got there and he said "Dude, what the fuck is wrong with that old Chinese guy? Is he fucking retarded??!!" (Also keep in mind that the delivery guy is also Asian, therefore, he is not being racist.) "He came to the door and was giving me excuses about why he couldn't sign for the meds, and then he left!" I sighed deeply, trying to regain my zen, and called the caregiver again to tell him to sign for the meds. So the caregiver calls me on the main phone, to tell me that the pharmacy guy used the "F" word at him twice and that is why he walked away, and that he will come and sign when he is not so busy. So I told the pharmacy guy that it was his call as to whether he would stay and wait or leave, and then the caregiver came walking toward the front desk, and the pharmacy guy spotted him...the caregiver tried to turn around and the pharmacy guy yells "HEY! COME HERE AND SIGN FOR THESE MEDS!" and I walked out the door and went to find peace in my own building...as I was walking off, the pharmacy guy yelled goodbye to me with the meds still in his hands and the caregiver was standing at the door yelling "HE SAID THE 'F' WORD AT ME TWICE!!!" over and over again until the door closing drowned out the noise. So no meds tonight, but on my way home, I kept replaying it over and over in my head and suddenly I burst into out loud laughter in my car...I couldn't stop it...it just kept coming, laughing and thinking that I have been holding back all the things that the pharmacy guy said to this particular caregiver...in fact I say similar things inside my head every time I have to deal with him. LOL! LOL! LOL! I'm still giggling.

Then I went to walk Sassy...a Chow Chow who is awesome. She doesn't yell at me, she doesn't mind that I say the "F" word, nope...all she needs is a nice brisk walk around the building...I think I should win the lottery so I can dog walk all the time, instead of doing this job...maybe keep it one or two days a week but not full time. So now my cats and Stella Artois keep me company.

Is it really only Tuesday? FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK. Cheers!

Dating Mode

I went to a movie the other day with a guy who I was "set up" with...it was not a date. I made clear my intentions, which was to see a movie and that was it. He knew that. He knows I'm not in dating mode. After the movie, he wanted to go get some food. I declined because I needed to go home and take my meds before I ate, which was true, so I took him home and then went home myself. I haven't heard from him since. I really did not mean to insult him, or reject him, I simply am not dating...and a movie leading to dinner, leads to an official date. Nope. There were no sparks...why? Because I AM NOT IN DATING MODE! I am incapable of feeling those feelings. We had fun, but I didn't look him in the eye that much...ok at all...it's my defense. Sorry. It's not personal, I am just not doing the dating thing.

Universal HELLth Care!?

It was satisfying when Barack Obama was elected president. I worked for him as a precinct captain during the Washington Caucus, and believed in him throughout the election process. It was exciting hearing the announcement "Barack Obama is the next president of the United States." It was satisfying because at the time of the caucus, my then BF said "It will never happen...I mean, you can do all you want, but a black guy will NEVER get elected president!" HA! HA-HA! Today it is satisfying that congress and the house FINALLY got this Health care bill taken care of...or started. Imagine the day when you have blood in your stool and don't question whether or not to go get it checked...ok you may not want to because of the colonoscopy process, (which isn't THAT bad btw.) but you won't hesitate because of you cannot pay for it. I might actually be able to get my bum knee replaced now that it can't be deemed a preexisting condition! It's exciting. I look forward to the next elections. I look forward to my nieces and nephews always being covered regardless of their asthma or mental health. It makes me feel better, it will help everyone to sleep better. And eventually, those nay-saying republicans will see that this is NOT an evil, government plot. It's awesome. Good job Mr. President!

Haircuts

I have always cut my own hair...for one thing, I don't trust anyone else to do it. For another, I find it to be therapeutic. Like I can cut parts of me away with each snip. Whenever I've had some revelation or another, I always cut my hair...sometimes it is a bad thing and I go too far because I don't have enough hair to cut without looking stupid in the end. Then sometimes I am meticulous and make it look really cute. I really need a haircut now. I feel like things are heavy, and are making me sluggish. It needs to be trimmed so I can revitalize myself. I'm 31 for pete's sake and I feel like I'm 60. (I'm assuming that this is how it feels to be 60, of course.) There is nothing like cutting the first piece of hair off. It makes me a little nervous, but totally satisfied. It grows back after all. It's the closest I can get to shedding my own skin. Sometimes I just have to get rid of some of me. Yes, I shall get some Stella and have a haircut.

For Your Information

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When Music Became Relevant

Do you remember when a certain song became an official part of your soundtrack to your life? For me, there are so many songs, that I forget about them, until I hear them again, and then WHOOSH, the memory comes flooding back! It plays like a movie inside my head, every little detail, every emotion, good and bad, like it happened yesterday. Music is funny that way. I found a magical place called Lala.com and they seem to have EVERY song that is on my life soundtrack! So much fun. So much pain. I have heard songs that remind me of friends who have long since passed to the other side, and some too young and some too old. I remember great loves, heartbreak, crying, fantasizing and being bitch slapped back to reality. Some memories are just of me in my car I was driving at the time that the song or album or artist became a permanent part of my life, or riding in someone else's car when it became a memory. Some times a song would make me feel happy, sometimes angry, sometimes would console me, and sometimes would tell me to get over it. Music is funny like that. As Jerry Garcia sang "Lately it occurs to me, what a long, strange trip it's been" indeed.

Threat

The thing about being a single woman, for me, a spinster and wishing to stay single, is that I am viewed as a threat to other women. I totally understand, but it doesn't suck any less. The thing women need to understand is that I have been on all sides of a bad relationship...I've been the mistress, I've been the cheater and I've been the cheated-on. I have no intention of ever being any of those again. Once upon a time, I was out for blood...out to destroy the beauty of relationships or what I considered to be delusions. Then I was in a relationship, (which turned out to be an actual delusion), and was threatened by another woman and she was the demise of the delusion. This was a horrible feeling, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone...OK, mostly. Nevertheless, I am no longer out to hurt people. I want people to be happy, even if I don't believe in relationships for me. Being in love and being loved is important for everyone, I will never be the one to destroy that...unless it is a dangerous situation that a loved one is in, then I will destroy it!

I Don't Have the Hands for Popcorn!

It's true. Most people can pick up a bunch of popcorn, then use their tongues to put pieces into their mouths...not me! I can only pick up one piece at a time, and then very carefully, put the piece of popcorn into my mouth, and hold my hand there until my mouth closes, or else the popcorn will jump out of my mouth and land on the floor. When I go to dump a bag of popcorn into a bowl...escapees are jumping out at every angle...onto the floor. I'm not sure why the popcorn thinks the floor is a safer place than my mouth, but popcorn has no desire to go into my mouth. If I even attempt to pick up a handful of popcorn, all but one piece will land on the floor, the last will start in my mouth, then jump into my cleavage or onto the floor. I don't know why. Maybe I don't flatter the popcorn as much as I should...after all, I'm not a huge fan of popcorn, and for 15 years I was allergic to it. So maybe if I sweet talk the popcorn, it will stop trying to escape. Or maybe, I just don't have the hands for popcorn.

Sacrifices

As a self-proclaimed spinster, I realize that I have given up on a lot of things in life that we as humans seem to strive toward. When I made my decision about my future plans in Africa, I was fully aware that I had just given up on ever getting married or having long lasting love. I'm not saying that I won't fall in love again, that seems to be something I cannot control (I hate that!). However, seeing as how my goal is to dedicate my life to save the lives of animals that need help, it doesn't mean that I don't mourn my sacrifice. I watch movies about love and happy endings, or growing old with someone and I can't help but mourn what I have chosen to sacrifice. Once upon a time, all I wanted was to get married and breed, but things change a person and that is okay! I know in my heart that I wasn't meant to do all of that...that there is a greater purpose for my existence, and yet, I still cry at the romantic scenes in movies and at real weddings, and not because I'm so happy that they lived happily ever after, but because I know it is something I will never experience. I cry because I grieve. The heart of a hopeless romantic paired with the mind of a spinster.

Not So Dark...

For those of you who had the uncomfortable experience of reading my "When Darkness Falls" post, sorry, it had to be written...however...I came in the house today from smoking on the back porch, there is a wall in the rec room that holds framed pictures of the entire family on both sides. The whole wall is covered. I usually try not to look at it, because immediately, my eyes go directly to HIS picture next to my grandmother's, today I was distracted and my eyes found the most stimulating thing, the bloodline wall, and what was that?? A little piece of gold protruding from the wall, glowing in the low light...it's gone! HE IS GONE! I still see my grandmother's picture from when she was 15, but it's mate is GONE! What about the other one, when they were old...the way I remembered him....holy shit! It's gone as well! My parents took it down! My father took HIS father off our bloodline wall! In case you don't know, it took each of them reading that post in order for my dad to REALLY understand and he emailed me that he now understood that his father was no grandpa, but a monster. That acknowledgment lifted some weight off of my shoulders...my father's decision to remove his pictures off the wall lifted a little more weight. It's not so dark. Thank you.

Beware the Hormones

So for a while, I took this diet pill called Xylestril, which is formulated for women, in order to make losing the stomach fat easier and also is supposed to help control PMS. The problem there is that I no longer have PMS! I take birth control continuously without any 7-day breaks, which means I no longer have a period. Anyone who knew me when I did, knows damn well that this is a GREAT thing. However, because I no longer have those particular hormones flowing through my body, the Xylestril caused a reverse reaction, and actually caused PMS symptoms. All day today, I have been crampy, pissy and at one point, almost cried when a coworker asked me to move my car because it was really inconvenient...yea, I almost cried, then brooded over it all the way home, coming up with different scenarios where I could tell him that he was causing ME inconvenience! "This feels familiar" I thought..."Why am I so upset?"...I wondered. Finally, it occurred to me that I hadn't taken these pills in a long time, and all of a sudden, my body was getting an overload of hormones! FUCK! No FUCKING wonder! No more. I would rather gain 100 pounds than ever be this hormonal ever again. Some of you readers know exactly what I'm talking about...the crying...the hot fudge sundaes, the irrational hair cutting! Fuck that. No more hormones, thanks.

Corporate Gangstas

I find it difficult to relate with our corporate gangstas. They are like a different species, they dress differently, their hair is always perfect, makeup, shoes! Everything in it's place. It makes me wonder how long it takes them to get ready each day. Even the male corporate gangstas are immaculate. Me? My pants are frayed at the bottom of each pant leg, my shirt has small pieces of thread coming out of the stitching, my shoes are muddy, my hair in a ponytail with a business rubber band, you know, the kind that will inevitably get tangled in my hair later. My makeup? Mascara, that is all. These corporate gangstas are constantly trying to get me to join them, but just like in Beauty School, I am not one of them...I don't belong. I've been kicked out of that club many times, and am happy spending only 20 minutes getting ready for work each day. Low maintenance. I hope they don't spot the alfalfa sprouts stuck in my teeth! Ack. Here they come.

Serenity Gone?

I spent about 36 hours in Moclips, WA over the weekend...and in that time, I didn't have a care in the world...seriously, nothing. I walked on the beach, gazed at the stars, had beer with my friend and snuggled with her dog. It was like the whole world just disappeared. It was lovely, in every way...until, that is, I got home. At that moment, the world decided to take a jab at me from every direction! Suddenly, all the sleep I was deprived of caught up to me. I was so tired. I put my dog hair covered blankets in the washing machine, and then took a shower. When I got out of the shower and BAM! My blankets had broken the washing machine! My sopping wet blankets, now had to be taken to a laundromat! A LAUNDROMAT! The simple thought of taking my beloved bedding to a public laundry room made me queasy. I lost my cool. I cried. I panicked. My mom and I went to the laundromat, which was new, and smelled like Tide, and I had the brilliant idea to just wash my blankets to get the soap and bleach out, then take them home to dry them. Brilliant! My panic melted away. It was going to be OK. However, there is still the bag of clothes that need to be washed...Hmm? It's fine, I can do that later. What now? A text message telling me to go check a friend's FB status. Dear lord, it's not good. She is dating a sociopath and we must stop him. On and on it went, it comes with friendship, it's fine. But the worry, the stomach pain, the swimming, awful thoughts, the brooding! It never ends. I think I should take another day off. Just one more day to rest. A phone call...so tired...yes, another day. Finally, sleep, and more sleep, and more sleep. Approximately 15 hours of sleep.
Now, I feel thankful for the 36 hours of peace, serenity, calm. But now back to work. Back to reality, the fast life. Did life just sit here waiting for me to return? Or was it just that nothing significant happened during my time off, and now that I'm back, it has returned as well? Why shouldn't I still feel serene? I kind of do. I did get a lot of rest, I don't feel stressed, my eye cream is working again. Ok, just feel thankful for the time I got. That is my plan. Yes, that should work. Positive thinking, I shall not brood over things I cannot control. Who am I kidding anyway?

The Mystery of the Tattoo

For many years I have been asked "What does your tattoo mean?" and I've never had an answer. It twists and turns and has caused me joy and pain...I knew there was something, I just didn't know what. They mystery is solved. In the last year, I have reunited with many people who I thought were lost from my life forever, just a memory, and threw the social networking miracle, they found me. Through life, our paths have gone in opposite directions, but crossed over here and there, and always circled back around. There are those that are only little blurbs in my memory, and will forever remain there, but those who I have a strong, real connection with, will always circle back to me. My short answer..."The Bonds of True Friendships"

Followers

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Thanks all.

Ocean Air

As each hour passes, here at work, at home, or somewhere in between, regular life gets to be incredibly trying. Every one around me is so busy, all the time. People in their cars in a constant race to get where they need to go, people in lines at the store, never a moment to stop and chat for a moment with the clerk. Admittedly, I am usually like that, I want to get where I'm going, and don't generally stop and chat with the store clerk, however, I never feel like I'm actually in a hurry. Sometimes I feel I might never catch up...The air is hard to breathe in the city and gets harder to breathe as spring approaches, but it's worth it. The trees are starting to bud, the crocus' are poking out of the dirt, the birds are more active, and I do love the spring time. Being in the city, however, makes it really difficult to stop and smell the crocus'. I need ocean air. When I go to the coast, there is nothing that I am in a hurry to do! Especially Moclips, it's so isolated and clean...not the water, mind you, but the rest of it is. Then a short walk to the reservation, a little cove where there is a stream and it's so beautiful and the air is so clean! I cannot wait to get there, or even to be in the car with M and T on our way. Must clear my head of city pollutants, and fill it with clean, ocean air.