Happy Dirty 30 to me!

Although it is only 1:30 in the afternoon, and therefore I have only been awake for two hours, it feels like any other day. Except that I do not have to go to work. I think I have finally reached the place where it is just not that big of a thing anymore...whew! Oh, and happy birthday to you Charles as well, I swear I remembered, in fact I was talking to your mom that day and everything, but I just forgot to write...i suck...sorry.
So my 30's are going to be easier I think...my 20's were a series of roller coaster rides and mellow drama, and i'm determined to be a stable human being at least until I turn 40. And on that birthday, I will be headed toward Africa to take care of big cats and other wild beasts. I am going to start a 401K account at work and pay off all my debt and be a good little consumer as is expected of me.
Tonight and this week however, I have saved enough to have a few drinks and take a couple of taxi rides, and rest...
until next time.

Really? Still Wild at 30??

I doubt it. Out of the eight people I sent my evite to, I have gotten two yes' and one no. Hmm? It's fine, it will still be fun, even if only a few of my closest friends show, but admittedly I am starting to feel a little pathetic. I'm not sure if I'm one of those people grasping onto my youth with both hands before it slips away, or if I'm going to grow old gracefully, but right now, I'm starting to feel slightly anxious about my self analysis.
Relax! Christ, my skin has broken out, I've had bad thoughts in my head a lot lately. I have to shake them off and out of my head, or they will invade my dreams and I have plenty of content to fill my dreams with during the night.
Unfortunately, my long time friend and short time lover that I spoke of a week or so ago has stopped writing me altogether. He has some major stuff going on, but it saddens me that after all these years, he doesn't need me at all, not even as a friend.
On a happier note, for my birthday party I am going to see my "dreamboat" bartender who I have had a crush on for 7 or 8 years, but I am determined to not drink too much, take it easy and have a good time...not make an absolute fool of myself. So far, so good. I have gone out twice since my breakup and neither time drunkenly attacked any unsuspecting male friend or stranger. Maybe my "dirty thirties" will be a little cleaner than my super dirty twenties. And maybe, someday, I can retire my self earned title of "Spinster" and just be me.
Here's to hoping!

Ahh, so much better!

I saw a story on the news about blogging and this 9 year-old kid had the same template as me! Ack! I'm sure some 9 year-old girl has this one too, but what I don't know won't hurt me.

So, I went out with my friends for the first time in many years, and proceeded to drink too much and vomit up something that I'm sure belonged to my insides. Pretty sure I did some esophageal damage, so next time, I need to realize that alcohol takes a minute to process...it will catch up to me, and I need to SLOW DOWN.

Now I am planning my 30th birthday party and am hoping it goes well.

I met no one when I was out on Friday...actually I did, I believe his name was Mike, although, he was so fucked up that he could barely say it without spitting on me...needless to say, my standards are a little higher than Mike. Such a typical West Seattle guy. Yuk. So I have decided that I am going to go out with friends and just have fun, not worry about meeting guys, or anyone for that matter, and just enjoy my birthday.

The last time I had a birthday party was when i turned 25, and there were over 40 people there...I could only find 8 email addresses for the evite! What's up with that? Actually, a good handful of people are no longer living in Seattle, they have moved to greener pastures, but still...strange.

Too much in my head!

Last night I dreamt that I was dating an android version of Robert Downey Jr. He still looked the same, only he had almost no personality, until of course, I reached in his pants and all of a sudden he was his regular self...as I imagined anyway.
Ugh, too much in my head. I sleep and have dreams that make me more tired than when I went to sleep.
I am in the midst of an argument with a close friend and former short term F-Buddy who seems to think that all my cynicism and loneliness has to do with him and his leading me on. I will admit that there is some of that there, however, it takes more than a one-day/night stand to cause me such grief. I certainly have "been around the block" enough times to know that sexual encounters don't mean nearly as much after the fact, as they did at the time. I'm certainly not an idiot.
Although, I do really miss that momentary connection with another human being, the touching of a man's face, the feel of the stubble on my lips...the snuggling...I know I'm pathetic.
But what heterosexual girl doesn't like that? I'm only capable of disconnecting to a certain extent, not completely.
Once upon a time, when I was whoring around on a daily basis, I could disconnect, but at the same time, I was out for revenge against anyone with a penis, so I cannot say that it was a productive time.
And I am not looking to go back to that system, it hurt a lot of people, including myself and took a lot of therapy to fix it.
So I will go out on Friday night hoping to meet someone who I find the least bit intriguing and probably will go home disappointed and it will just keep going.
Christ! Somebody slap me already....this is fucking ridiculous.

Tired of disappointment

Once upon a time, a little girl imagined and sketched her future wedding dress, dreamed of meeting the man of her dreams, getting married, having kids and living the American Dream. But this little girl knew that she was different, she knew her imagination would eventually get in the way of any realistic notion of what love actually is and how to find it.
This little girl started off broken by a male extended family member, of course, what else is new, always the same story, no, she is not looking for a pity party.
As this little girl grew up, time and time again, the male part of the species was disappointing at every turn. Cheaters, liers, players and scared little babies.
Today, I am 2 weeks away from turning 30, and am feeling the never ending twinge of disappointment, and have decided to embrace and document my newly single life, and see if I can come up with any answers or solutions to this perpetual life of lustfull encounters and stunted relationships.
Maybe if anyone reads this, or has any questions, we can solve my problems with dating and relationships, as well as other people's issues.
My generation seems to be filled with a large percentage of men that are afraid of commitment of any kind, and women who are desperate to get married. Men who want to stay little boys forever and women that are full of diluted and irrational dreams of what love it...What is up with that? Why are you men so goddamned scared of falling in love? And why are we women so caught up in the idea of signing a piece of paper to give ownership of yourself to another person? And why the hell can't we figure out a happy fucking medium? It seems to me, that all of us are going to end up alone and unhappy and then we will die. Fuck the American Dream, let's figure something else out already!