Beyond Nostalgia...this is Humility

Recently I've been reconnecting through the likes of Facebook and Myspace, and at first it was just simply fun to find people I used to know and lost touch with. Today, however, the person who found me on Facebook made something else happen...it went beyond nostalgia...a person who I was so close to for a long time, and then just drifted apart from. That happens, I know that. This, however, is a different situation. This person truly missed me when I drifted away. She went on with life and had a lot of experiences, as I did, but when she found me, she made me realize how important she was to me back then, and how I so easily allowed that relationship to become one of those lost relationships. But alas! She forgave me, didn't think anything of it, and it has humbled me a little. I realized that some friendships, such as this one, and several others are unique in that they are established. Carved in wood, like one of those hanging signs over a business. They don't end, they only pause and I'm thrilled for that. Over the years, I felt like so many people have come and gone and that is that...but...you ready for this, cause it doesn't happen often...I WAS WRONG. Yes, there it is. I have always treasured my relationships with true friends, but I had no idea how many I actually had. I feel slightly peaceful for the first time in a very long time. Thanks M.

Wish I wasn't here...

My mother needs me, as much, if not more than the people at my work do...and yet, I cannot be with her. It's making me uncomfortable and anxious.

I'm bored. I'm tired. I need a drink. And there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. Can't I just take a month off work to be home with my mom? No, not unless I want to risk losing my job. FUCK. This is frustrating.

I hate when I hate life.

At the end of the day...

Today one of my residents had declared that she is at her end. I find it difficult to really process it until I absolutely have to, and have a chance to be alone and be myself. While at work, I'm forced to find the balance between being sympathetic and being professional, and at these moments it is easier to simply block it completely. Of course, being around the family of these people I've grown to care so much about, creates further difficulty in that I'm not sure what they expect from me. I had a chance to say goodbye to Rosemary and tell her how much she means to me, which is good, but being around her daughters is harder because I want to comfort them, but as a professional in this business, I have to keep my composure, but I'm wondering if that makes me seem cold. There's no easy solution to this dilemma. I offer my help and company, and that is really all I can do. I go on about my day, without telling my other residents what is going on, and then wondering who will be offended that I did not tell them, if Rosemary passes on during the night and they didn't get the chance to say goodbye. I guess, I will wait and see.