I Wish I Believed In Suicide...

As it is...I do not. I think it's the pussy way out. But look at that! How easy it would be to just swallow them all in one gulp. But no. That is not me. I'm so tired.

School sucks. I'm going to school with a giant group of idiots who cannot spell, use spellcheck, punctuate or use the fucking space bar! My instructor is treating them like kindergartners learning to fucking read! Is this why I'm paying $1000 a fucking term??!! REALLY?

Work is not paying off at all! Friday night, 5th off the road...off by 8! REALLY??? I made $30 tonight in tips! How is a person to live on that??? FUCK.

Family...well...my uncle Curt just died today, and my grandma fell, breaking her wrist in two places, her hip and her back! REALLY? Yes!

Yes, those pills look soooo good right about now. Oh they do. But noooo. I don't believe in suicide. I'm so fucking tired.

The guy I was seeing, and actually allowed myself to like, informed me that we are actually just "friends with benefits". REALLY? WOW! I had no fucking idea! Stupid fucking spinster!!! So fucking stupid. Look at me! Not punctuating properly!

Fuck it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amy Winehouse....bring it home girl! Yea I said it. FUCK YOU.

Oh Spinster...What Are You Doing?

When I started dating again, I was unsure of what I was looking for. At first, I thought I wanted a real relationship, then I changed my mind. Then I thought I wanted a casual relationship, and changed my mind. Back and forth, flip-flopping, always unsure. I realized that although I like life to be easy, I also like to have human connections. So this is something I am pursuing. I know I said I was cool with this arrangement with E, but apparently I am full of shit. There, I said it. So, now I will try something else. I will go into more detail when I'm not exhausted and hungover. Another day.

An Old Routine and A New Cast

Funny how life works sometimes. Life without Spike is slightly boring, but the house is finally quiet again. Lucy and Cleo have been adopted. I sent out a flyer to everyone I knew asking to please help me find them a new forever home. A couple of hours later I got a phone call from my friend's sister. She just happen to be looking for two kittens! What are the odds? They are now with her and her family in their forever home. The stress level has dropped in this house. My skin is clearing up. Sleep is coming a little easier. Sometimes, it feels like destiny exists.

The Crazy Cat Lady

Yes, yes, I know. When you get a cat, you expect it to change your life in a minimal way. Cats are, in fact, easy going, mellow, and keep to themselves. Sure you might get to pet them when they choose, or spot them sun bathing on the window sill, but they are cats. I certainly had these expectations when I got my first cats. As it turns out, cats have their own personalities. Sure they changed our lives for the better, it was fun having kittens around, but life went on. So when we got our next two kittens, we had similar expectations. Silly fools we were! These next two kittens changed EVERYTHING! Mischief reigned! We had to eat our meals separately so one of us could hold the kittens back from climbing onto our food, it was a constant battle to keep them from roaming around the hallways, or getting into anything and everything that was left out. But they were kittens, adorable, snugly kittens and eventually they would grow out of the mischief....right? Well, one of them did. Missy, Elijah and Alex turned into mostly mellow fat cats...Spike, however, did not. He had to have an ultimate impact on every life that passed through, and he did. Daily life with Spike was a series of shaking our heads, and panicking that this time he had finally managed to kill himself by way of curiosity. I do believe he lived through all nine lives. When I moved back into my parents house, he was the 3rd to arrive, I had fostered him and Alex out and then finally brought them home and sure enough, my parents fell in love with him. My mom had her special games she played with him. My dad was in a constant state of giggling whenever he was around because he was always getting into something or another, covered in the remnants of whatever it was he had been into. He even won over my brother, who was not a cat person, but could not resist the Spike snuggles. He didn't allow you to resist. He insisted you love him. Sometimes he would bite you just to be sure you knew who was really in charge, or he would push you out of your spot on the sofa...he was so little and clever, whomever it was that was being pushed out gave in with a smile of disbelief. Whatta cat!
With his death, life has changed. Sure we have two new kittens, who are full of mischief, but not Spike's brand of mischief. Oh no. No one can ever replace Spike. He was truly one of a kind and everyone he ever snuggled with continues to miss him, and will always look back on their time with him as unique and comical.
That was my boy. My little orphan that came into my life and turned it upside down. My mourning is winding down, though, I will never stop missing him, or laughing whenever I think of the quirky little things he did. But life must go on. And Lucy and Cleo need some guidance. And so begins the next chapter of the crazy cat lady. Thank you to those of you who stuck by me through this ugliness. You are true blue. Yea I said it.

Did You Ever Wonder How You Will Die?

Will you get into a fatal car crash? Be bitten by a snake? Will you open your door to a dangerous stranger? No alarms and no surprises.
Depression has set in and made itself at home. There is a bottle of Lorazapam in the bathroom that would do the job, if I so chose. But suicide is not an option for a martyr, oh no! I have a destiny. I have to suffer so others can live without suffering. I had a strange experience today. I am not christian. I have never been baptized. But while chatting with T, talking about how I suspected that I was, indeed, a martyr, somehow, "\my father" typed itself. I don't know why or how.
But I took it as a sign. how could I not? "it's gonna be, a glorious day, I feel my luck could change"
sometimes I wish for cancer or an aneurysm. And what if I choose otherwise???

A Wise Man Once Told Me...

That I didn't always need extremes to be a good writer. And by assuming that that was the case was a sign of narcissism. That may be true, however, this is my blog, and I created it in order to get all the things inside my head, out. There have been many changes in the last few weeks and as anyone who knows me will tell you, I do not like change. So, for the sake of my sanity, my blog will continue on the path of narcissism. As I mentioned at some point, i'm sure, I am seeing a new guy. He's still great, however, I am not sure what, if anything, I should expect. I'm trying to have no expectations at all. It's working so far. Then I enrolled in college, to get a degree in Computer Science Web Design. Snore...I know. Not my first choice, however, I need to make money so I can not live with my parents forever, although, I honestly don't believe they want me to leave...EVER. And yet, they will still not let me have my guy over unless it is totally innocent. I find it ridiculous and old fashioned, but they won't budge. My dad might, but my mother will not. As any of my readers know, I had to put one of my beloved cats to sleep. I am still very sad and angry and spend at least a part of the evening crying each day. It was for the best. It doesn't make me miss him any less however. Had a bit of a blow out with a close friend who just ran off to Europe, and we still haven't discussed anything. Again, not something i've spent a lot of time worrying about, but there it is. i'm too tired to keep going, dear readers. I must sleep now.

For Spike

You just gave me that look, the one that you always give me whenever I'm crying..."Whatsa matter mommy? Wanna snuggle?" I wonder if you know that I'm crying over you? If you do, it doesn't seem to matter, you still came and snuggled in behind me in the computer chair, just like always. You have done this with every boy I've cried over, every mistake I've made, every friend I've lost, you have always been there to make me feel better, and you always do! And now, things are changing for both of us, you are going to go on and be free of pain and sickness, and I'm going to be here, missing you. You are a special little man, I'll tell you that. I've been though this before with Alex, and I loved Alex, but it didn't hurt this much. When Baby died suddenly, I thought I would die too, but you were there to make the pain a little easier to swallow, and now I know Missy, Elijah, Lucy and Suzy will be here to help ease the pain, but I'm not sure how they get it. Niko, keeps giving me a look of sympathy, but I don't know if he knows. He isn't mine. He just lives outside. I know that life will go on, as it always does, however, I don't think it will ever be the same. I'm so happy J wanted to stop at that pet store, and so thankful that you were there! That you chose me! And that you stuck with me through all the bullshit, all the moves, all the friends, all the boyfriends, through everything. You made every day a little bit better, and I hope you had a good life as well. I tried my best, I really did. I know other people enjoyed your company as well. You are so special and mommy loves you so much! I will never forget you or stop loving you or missing you. My little prince! Rest now. Mommy will be OK.

Fuck that!

It wasn't even all my fault!