My Trial

I was a typical depressed teenage girl. Everything was so dramatic, consequences of life's different events were TOTALLY intense and my only defense was crying, which, admittedly didn't get me anywhere. (Except out of trouble.) However, I remember watching "The Wall" the first time, and then the second, and I remember enjoying it, but it was just a movie. Then I watched it a third time and I just so happened to be in an incredibly sad mood. The future was bleak, I'm sure I was suffering from one of many broken hearts, and I was struggling with some underlying monsters as I have written about in past posts. Anyhow, I watched "The Wall" and something strange happened. I seemed to, all of a sudden, relate to this story. Not entirely, but I did and when it got to the end and "The Trial" began I found myself in a panic. I was very secretive, I thought that by allowing my secrets out that something horrible would result from it, (again, teenager), so as I was watching The Trial, I began listening to the lyrics and when it came to the end where it goes

"Since, my friend, you have revealed your deepest fear

I sentence you to be exposed before your peers.

Tear down the wall!"

I'll tell you what, I panicked! That WAS my deepest fear. What would I do? What would people think? How could I ever make people understand? (Teenager! And to be fair, I hadn't told anyone about the sexual abuse, so there's that.)

I panicked and took a handful of my mom's prescription sleeping pills. The next thing I know, I was in the hospital being force fed charcoal and mustard or something, and puking my guts out.

I tell this story because, in the last few years, I have become an open book rather than a pink diary with a cheap metal lock, and I actually feel far less vulnerable. Oh sure, I still do and say stupid things, I have my own momentary lapses of reason where I brood over the outcome for a while, but it's not scary anymore. I would rather say or do something stupid and be honest about it, than keep anything to myself for fear of...whatever the consequences happen to be.

So to anyone who has experienced a momentary lapse of reason on my part, too bad, nothing I can do to take it back and I probably wouldn't even if I could. AND chances are it won't be the last time it happens, but it's OK because I would rather be an open book than be surrounded by a wall. This feels much more free!

Rhyme or Reason

I've been experiencing some interesting feelings and happenings lately. Apparently, things I do or say has an effect on somebody's day or week or month. It's a strange concept for me to take seriously, even though, there have been times when other people had an effect on my day. Even then, however, there is always something hiding underneath all of it. Something in the core of me that has been triggered by that person's words or actions, but I don't think I can honestly say that my day was made better or worse by one person. And yet, somehow, I manage to have an influence over other people, I manage to make them feel better or worse, and not just for a day, but for a while. How can that be? I am a person who is only invested in myself, committed to myself, so how did I get here? There are many people I care about, but I am only committed to bettering my life right now. School, work, art and writing. So how can I be such an influence on anyone? And is there a way of NOT feeling responsible? I can't think of a way. No Rhyme. No Reason.

Rhyme or

Brains and Beauty vs. Just Beauty

Ever notice how guys will put up with a lot more crazy than we do? It's not exactly a riddle needing to be solved, as most men use their penises to make decision regarding females. However, it's funny when they bitch and complain about how crazy the crazy chicks are, and still put up with it, not because they find any value in that particular person's brain but because they are hot. That is all. Let's just be honest, shall we?

Guys are guys. Even the coolest, smartest guys are still guys. Testosterone fuels them. It's cool. We all know how this works.

Personally, I don't feel threatened by such girls, because when it comes down to it, I know I will do so much more important things with what life gave me than they can ever do with their temporary looks...and yes, it's temporary. They will be very pretty for a very short time, and then will have nothing. Perhaps they will have money, which they will spend on surgeries and serums trying to grasp onto their beautiful youth with both hands. But age does not work that way, ladies. We all know this...and if we don't, we will. Oh yes, we will. And like all women, we will try like hell to hang onto our looks with chemical peels, (which I am in total favor of) and creams and anti-aging serum and it may work for a little while. Eventually, however, our beauty and youth will fade and all we will have left is our mind. I plan to have a full reservoir of information when that day comes.

Unfortunately, men get better looking with age, but even with certain medicines, they don't have the physical stamina that women have. Sure, they may look better, and desire the young, hot girls, but they don't have what it takes to satisfy them any longer. They can take pills and extra testosterone, but those medications could kill them, so it depends on how badly they want to perform like a young buck. Mark Twain wrote about this unfortunate phenomena in Letters From The Earth, how men lose their momentum FAR before women do. Women remain very sexual creatures, it never leaves us, and the men just cannot keep up. So what do we do?

How do we get what we need from men who can physically keep up, while not having our youth to lure them?? I'll tell you how...we use our best asset! Our BRAIN! Most of us know how to tempt a guy now, while we are still somewhat young and pretty, it's no different as we age. It's just that we have to change the selection a bit. A guy friend of mine told me once that all men are man-whores. I don't know about other girls, but I cannot stand dumb guys, not even for a night. So I believe that my search for nerdy guys may be the answer...the only thing is that they require some training. See...nerdy guys typically don't have a lot of experience. Once in a while you get a guy who does seem to have learned things through the many hours of pornography he's viewed, but most guys do not learn how to execute the moves they want to use. WE have to teach them how to do it. Just like we teach them how to kiss when we are young, (and in the case of nerdy guys, sometimes we have to teach them how to kiss even when they are older...a bit more difficult but stick with it, it will pay off.), we have to teach them how to be a great, not good, a GREAT lay!
It's our duty. We are helping their future wives by teaching them what they need to know to satisfy their future wives who have probably not had much luck with man-made orgasms. Seriously...this is a REAL problem! I've kissed my fair share of nerds, I mean REAL nerds and the girls, if there were any, have failed me. Admittedly, I did not have the time or patience to spend a lot of time teaching them, and the last nerd (who wasn't really a nerd) was very skilled in all aspects. *sigh* Stay Focused Spinster!

So as a girl who is pretty and brainy, I fully intend to take on a project when I'm at that point where my age catches up with me. For now, I am focusing all of my energy, even my sexual energy (as best I can) on school, on art, on global domination.

Keep it in mind, my fellow beautiful brainy girls! Those super hot girls are going down and staying down. They can have the older, handsome guys who can't keep it up without meds or can't take meds and can only last for 30 seconds! HAHA!