Cheers to a New Year!

The new year is upon us and I have hope for it. I will be with friends and family, am hoping to start a new life this year. I am anxious to move on to a brand new year without the 200 pounds that were weighing me down for the last five years. Yes, it will be a good year. Am I trying to convince myself of this? No, I already have. I'm excited to pursue my new life. CHEERS!

Great Expectations...

I put an ad on Craigslist calling all geeks. I got over 70 responses in 24 hours and thought I'd hit the jackpot, though many of them were not what I was looking for, or I was not what they were looking for. I did meet a couple of keepers from the pile of emails, as if emails are capable of piling, and even decided to meet one that I was particularly fond of. We have a lot in common, he's smart, funny and cute...and "getting divorced"? As usual, I took that to mean actually getting divorced, like the papers are signed and all that. So after several emails and phone conversations, I decided to meet him in person for a drink after work. We had a great evening together, talked for a couple of hours, had a first kiss and I went home. Elated as I was, I noticed that something in him had changed. He had not changed, which was refreshing, because most guys do, but he didn't seem as excited as he was at first. We had made plans for a second date, or so to speak, and I asked him to be my date for New Year's Eve and he accepted...but then, he started to write. I'm happy he was able to see the benefit of putting your soul out on paper, or computer screen rather, but as he reflected, he began to question whether or not to go "crawling back" to his estranged wife. And it was then, I realized that I was, yet again, putting myself at risk of being hurt. I have been in this situation before and although in that case, I didn't really like him that much, I still was hurt by the whole situation, and I had to wonder why I expect so much from other people and don't expect much FOR myself. Why do I keep sabotaging myself? So we both decided, after my prompt, to step back until he figures his shit out, and I felt a little sad. He truly is a catch, but is all conflicted and I just am going to lose. He said IF he signs the divorce papers, he would call, but should I even allow myself to be available? He never lied, he was up front about it all, even about his feelings regarding his marriage and such, but I feel defensive now, and I am not sure what to think about it all. I really liked him, and I felt a tiny bit of heartbreak when it was over...in fact, it was the first time in a long time I really liked someone. So do I expect that I will ever see him again...?? I'm not so sure. It seemed like the perfect plan, I place an ad calling all geeks and nerds, I find a couple to keep around and hopefully connect with someone, and I have, don't get me wrong. I have a new friend who I like talking to, but I'm not sure what his expectations are of me. I've been hurt 3 times in the last year, including the most recent, and I'm wondering if I am being too defensive or what? Maybe just having a friend to talk to is all I really should expect right now. Maybe I shouldn't be out in the dating world. What if I'm still damaged? What if everyone is too damaged to deal with my damaged soul? Maybe I'm just rationalizing because I'm still a little miffed that I can't seem to get the knack of this whole dating thing. My relationships are ALWAYS so dysfunctional, maybe I am doomed to be the spinster in distress forever and ever. Gawd, how depressing. Maybe my expectations are way too great, and all my fantasies are ruining my attempts at reality.

What the fuck am I doing wrong?

Genuine Imitation Leather

Me...ever the oxymoron. I try to hard to be genuine, as much as I can be whilst being entirely fake. I had an entire day and an entire night with him, and had fun, my intentions were simple. I wanted to have a good time, without getting too attached or emotionally involved...I succeeded, but at what cost? He hugged me and kissed me as if it was the first day of the rest of our life and I just wanted him to leave me alone. He told me he wasn't sure where he would be tomorrow, if he would still be here, or if he would be across the country...I pretended to be supportive and to care one way or the other. I find myself reverting back to being the girl I was 6-7 years ago. Cold, detached, selfish until someone I cared about got hurt. I do care about this one, he is sweet, smart, GENUINE! He shared his philosophy with me, he shared his body and soul with me...As for me? I shaved my legs, painted my toenails, stocked up on condoms and alcohol in preparation of getting laid. That was my only goal, to get him into bed. I did not expect philosophy and emotions, I expected to party, have sex, then be done. Instead, there is another man out there that got way more from me than he expected and enjoyed all of it, and me, a woman who got way more than I wanted from him and now is not sure how to deal with it. I want to care about him, more than just another person, but I am not capable of it, I don't feel anything...not for him. There is the other man that I crave, that I love, that I want to be with forever, but he wanted me to date other people and explore the world beyond him, so I am, I did. I cried a few different times when no one was watching, whether out of guilt or heartbreak, I'm not sure, but I cried quite a bit, all about the fact that I can't have who I want and don't want who I have. And yet, I act like I want them, I pretend to care about their lives, their problems, their philosophy...and I fool them all the way through it. Genuine imitation. Why don't they understand that no one and nothing can be a genuine imitation of anything! I can be who they think I am temporarily, but ultimately, I'm an imitation of a genuine person. I don't know that I can avoid hurting someone who is already vulnerable and weak. But Goddammit all I wanted was to have a good time...why can't I turn this off? Why can't I turn that on? Why is he the only person who DOESN'T want me??? They are lining up...any of them I want, I just say the word and I can have them...but I want him. Do I continue to pretend? Why is it that he is the only one who would have an answer for me? I need him more now than ever.

Thanksgiving Day at work

I'm not really into Thanksgiving, I admit. It's really just another day and there is no sense in taking the day off when I get paid double time to work it. Money makes the world go round, after all. But I must admit that there is a small amount of sentiment that seems to be making me a little sad today. Perhaps these feelings are due to this being my first holiday season without the ex, and it always was a big production, and now, not only is it not as big, but it is not at all a production! Perhaps it is knowing that I will be going home to a quiet house, just as quiet as every other night, will take the cold food out of the fridge and try to reheat it without over microwaving, and sitting with my best friend, Tivo, watching reruns of Two and a Half Men, just like every other night. Perhaps it is that I was so concerned about making everyone else feel like there is no reason to be sad today, that I forgot to convince myself, that not only am I alone, but my family is scattered around the world and there is still another few weeks before my brothers come home. Maybe I'm offended that no one ever asks me how I feel about it, or that when they do I lie and tell them I'm fine with no celebration. Maybe I bring this all on myself. Maybe I need to stop being such a little bitch and appreciate that I have a job and a family and even though we aren't together today, we will be together soon. Yes, I think that is the way to go. I must slap the pessimism out of me and allow the optimism to empower me. No more moping. I will enjoy my pizza rolls and toaster strudels and shut my fucking mouth already...that is until I get home and heat up the leftovers.

5 Years in a Relationship and All I Got was FAT

I'm feeling damaged, like I wasted so much of my good time. Now I'm 30 and my belly is fatter and my skin isn't as bright, and I think I wasted 5 of my best or rather, most opportunistic years.
I keep meeting men that are just as, if not more, damaged as I am. One I met, might be a keeper...he is just as emotionally unavailable as I am, but also is a passionate person that thinks about more than just himself. I'm not going to write too much about him, because I don't want to jinx it, but I'm finding myself thinking of him a lot.
The guy I met from last week apparently has the longest running migraine headache in the world, because I haven't heard from him. He was kind of an elitist anyway, one of those hip hop snobs that only listens to early underground freestyle hip hop...whatever, I like Tupac, and Biggie, Ludacris and even Kanye West! So there.
Beyoncé has nailed it yet again...If I Were a Boy is a perfect song...I think I wrote a poem similar to it once when I was younger...but she vocalizes it very well.
I have to say that these online dating sites bring out the freaks from every direction! I have met some strange boys. Also a couple of nice guys, that I am hoping to keep as friends. One in particular, I think he's gay, he's cute enough to be gay, and there are certain things that make me wonder. I hope he is. I need a gay guy friend. I wish my therapist was still around.
Well that's all for now.

Spinster

Try as I might...

I wonder who writes in Web dings? Anyone could decode it. What is the point of Web dings?

So I've officially kicked off my re-entry into the dating scene. I am meeting some really nice guys, and I'm trying really hard to like them, but try as I might, there is still only one who I can belong to. I try not to play games, but I admit that I have ulterior motive and that in my attempt to give myself to someone else, the one will figure out that he needs to grab on to me and not let go. I think it might be working. At the same time, I'm so sexually frustrated and wonder if scratching this particular itch with someone else will maybe make it easier to deal with it all or make me feel like a rotten spinster? Oh the conflict.

I wonder if anyone reads this?

And on the 8th day there was corn

Well, I'm not sure what happened, but when I got allergy test, corn did not appear. I'm not sure if this is a miracle or an answered prayer. It's not about eating corn, it's about not having to read all the labels so closely to make sure there isn't corn. It's so refreshing. I can go anywhere and eat anything without stressing about it. I feel liberated.

Obama for President

As much work as it is to carve good pumpkin art, it is so worth it. I survived a kidney infection, that I swear almost killed me...and am feeling pretty ok. Anxious for November 4th! Don't forget to vote!

Okay, maybe they aren't all bad.

Yea, maybe I went a little overboard yesterday. I am just on edge and in need of something new and fun. Sorry guys, you are more than orgasms and sperm...no really!

Ticking away, the moments that make up a dull day...

Well, my myspace friends, I done tried and tried, but alas, cannot make my myspace page work for me...so I'm done with it, I will stick with my friendly Google folk. I'm so tired, I'm tired of forcing a smile, I'm tired of pretending to be interested in what EVERYONE is telling me. There is no way that anyone, not even me, super girl, can possibly be interested and remember everything that everyone tells me...is there? I'm looking forward to girls' night out this Friday! Just to have a conversation that I haven't had before, is stimulating enough.
Pink Floyd brings out my own brand of melancholy. Although, the Super Mario Bros. does in fact help. It completely distracts me from life.
Did anyone see Oprah today or Friday maybe? Some bullshit about "Why Men Cheat". Whatever Oprah. It's because all they are good for is sperm, that is what their greatest purpose is...OK, hunting and sustenance in general, but mostly sperm. I mean, why did God give them so much of it? To fertilize. They gave us all the responsibility of incubating, nursing, teaching, nurturing and generally caring for our young, because men are stupid and perpetually childish. They never learn or progress, they just stay children, depending on one woman after another to take care of them, and to deposit their sperm into. Ok, I admit, I like men, but there is no way I will ever be deluded enough to think that they will ever be anything but a fertilizer who brings money home to buy food and pay the bills. I am positive, I will have to take care of everything else...given that I decide to ever get married or domesticated and have children. Well, in the wild, the males have to be flashy and strong in order to attract a female, all we human females need is an orgasm. Seriously boys, if you can get a girl off better than the other guy, you win!
Is it just me, or can anyone else tell i've been holding EVERYTHING in lately?

Turtles and Mushrooms

I've decided to dig out the old Nintendo and Super Nintendo, and dominate the land of Super Mario in order to escape my own head. I've got people and my emotions toward them swimming around in my head constantly, and I'm finding it interfering with life and my routine. Ok, I'll admit it, it's all about the boys...one who should be out of my life completely is constantly pissing me off, just for still being around. Another is the one I want but cannot have because I fucked up earlier in life and now he is afraid of me. And the other is gorgeous but somewhat off limits, however, the limit can be overlooked, but then I'm not sure if there could be anything real, seeing how I really want someone else. It is very frustrating, in every way...sexually, emotionally and it is driving me completely insane. So alas, off I go into the two dimensional world of brick and pipes in order to distract myself from my own head. I can't wait for girls' night. Until then, watch out for turtles and mushrooms!

The Sun Sets to the...EAST?

Seriously, this is strange. Usually when the sun sets, the west is pink, but today, the east is pink and ominous. Does this mean there has been a shift somewhere? These pictures are over looking Lake Union at 8:00p.m. on Sunday. I feel like I'm in bizarro world.

The Badger and the Bobcat

Both of whom will continue to fight to the death. Both stubborn animals. Both whose instincts are strong when it comes to dominance and defense. This is my relationship with my ex, and I am the wounded bobcat who has made one last attempt to dominate and intimidate the badger enough to go the fuck away before I go for the jugular.

Why does he feel the need to tell me how much he still loves me, when he couldn't seem to get it straight when I was there. Fuck, it pisses me off so much.

Ok, back to the convention! Go Obama!

Ravenous Spinster vs. Hopeless Romantic

I am having a wants vs. needs dilemma. I feel like I want companionship, but I need my space. I want a connection with someone, but I do not need to the constant questioning of myself or someone else. So what does this mean? Does it mean that I want to be dating, or that I don't. Do I want a relationship or don't I?

The spinster inside me is trying so hard to break free of this longing for love thing, and yet the romantic is fighting her. Both of them want the physical benefits, but for different reasons. The spinster wants the passion and the ravenous sex, and the romantic wants the "making love", and it is difficult for me to think that they will find a happy medium.

Oh good lord. I'm so confused and I haven't even gone on a date yet. I have met a couple of nice guys, and the romantic in me sees walks in the parks, and nice dinners, and movie nights. Then the ravenous spinster in me fantasizes about attacking delivery and maintenance men. I feel like I'm Samantha AND Charlotte from SATC at the same time, and guess what? I don't think they are compatible.

What to do, what to do? If anyone reads this, have any suggestions?

You have the right to remain silent...

Finally, after years and years of this piece of shit, good ol' uncle everett getting away with growing and selling drugs, and now cooking and selling, he finally got busted! Check out this scum and his stash.

One crystal meth cooker off the the streets! Thankfully I am not actually related to this one, and I do feel sorry for my cousins who happen to be his spawn, but what can you do?

So this weekend is my "for real" birthday party and I had a dream last night that I was an hour late...

I've been talking to a couple of guys I met on the Internet. Still just in chat mode. Been getting a lot of hillbillies responding, I mean Larry the cable guy kinda guys. What's up with that?

Well, I just wanted to share the good news of another meth monger off the streets.

Into the Abyss of Internet Dating

Thanks blogspot for warning me of the maintenance...I had already written and poof, it's gone!

As I was saying...I have started to explore the world of internet dating and I must say it is a strange world. Geezus...I don't have another rant in me.

Can't....Breathe

Those stupid Blue Angels! As is our air quality wasn't bad enough, they come here, fly their gas guzzling and toxin spewing planes around the city and now look at us! We look worse than L.A.! WTF? And no one believes me when I blame them, they all think i'm being a party pooper...but c'mon! Every year it's the same routine, they come, they pollute, they leave...a thick film hovering over the city skyline!

But whatever people...don't come crying to me when your lungs collapse and I am happily smoking my cigarettes on the porch...oh wait.

Foot Imprisonment

It does not feel like I've been away from work for 5 days, it feels like a regular weekend. Either that is a sign that I did not have enough time off, or I was not as exhausted as I originally thought. Either way, I'm here and for the first time in a week have shoes and socks on...ugh, I'm dying! I absolutely hate wearing shoes and socks. I feel like my feet are imprisoned by cotton walls and leather bars. Shoes...feet prisons.

I feel like somehow turning 30 changed me, I was reading ChuckD's blog and he quoted Earnest Hemingway I think, something about how with age comes the lack of excitement toward much of anything...I wonder if that is what's going on? I rescheduled my birthday party, and although I am looking forward to it, I am not all giddy about it, like I was a couple of weeks ago. Maybe I'm just tired, I didn't sleep as well as I would have liked to, however, it could be that I have grown up and out of being a silly, excitable 20-something.

I am going to visit my grandma this weekend, should be a nice 95 degrees in the Yakima valley...fun times! I'll take some pics and post them so you can see just how beautiful the Yakima valley is...

Until then, back to work.

Not so dirty at 30

I keep trying to rediscover myself as the spinster I used to be, and cannot seem to pull it off. Unfortunately, I am plagued by a need for something more meaningful, and I am trying so hard not to look for what I want, although, am keeping my eyes open. Is that the same thing? Is keeping your eyes peeled the same as seeking something out? 5 years ago, I would not have cared about whether anyone would show up to go out for my birthday, and I would have just gone out on my own, but I could not do it this time. What is that about? Where is the wild girl that wasn't afraid of the world beyond my house? And why am I incapable of getting that person out of my heart and mind? I used to be so good at rejection. Now I constantly feel the twinge of heartbreak and can't shake it, but desperately want to and need to. I don't feel like I can go be my real self without consuming way too much alcohol, and then I'm a total idiot...and I always feel like it's just me, like no one else seems to understand or relate. Hence the fact that I am blogging to an invisible audience.
I have about 8 movies to watch between today and tomorrow, none of which I want to see, but will watch nonetheless. Off I go to the land of Michael Moore...

Happy Dirty 30 to me!

Although it is only 1:30 in the afternoon, and therefore I have only been awake for two hours, it feels like any other day. Except that I do not have to go to work. I think I have finally reached the place where it is just not that big of a thing anymore...whew! Oh, and happy birthday to you Charles as well, I swear I remembered, in fact I was talking to your mom that day and everything, but I just forgot to write...i suck...sorry.
So my 30's are going to be easier I think...my 20's were a series of roller coaster rides and mellow drama, and i'm determined to be a stable human being at least until I turn 40. And on that birthday, I will be headed toward Africa to take care of big cats and other wild beasts. I am going to start a 401K account at work and pay off all my debt and be a good little consumer as is expected of me.
Tonight and this week however, I have saved enough to have a few drinks and take a couple of taxi rides, and rest...
until next time.

Really? Still Wild at 30??

I doubt it. Out of the eight people I sent my evite to, I have gotten two yes' and one no. Hmm? It's fine, it will still be fun, even if only a few of my closest friends show, but admittedly I am starting to feel a little pathetic. I'm not sure if I'm one of those people grasping onto my youth with both hands before it slips away, or if I'm going to grow old gracefully, but right now, I'm starting to feel slightly anxious about my self analysis.
Relax! Christ, my skin has broken out, I've had bad thoughts in my head a lot lately. I have to shake them off and out of my head, or they will invade my dreams and I have plenty of content to fill my dreams with during the night.
Unfortunately, my long time friend and short time lover that I spoke of a week or so ago has stopped writing me altogether. He has some major stuff going on, but it saddens me that after all these years, he doesn't need me at all, not even as a friend.
On a happier note, for my birthday party I am going to see my "dreamboat" bartender who I have had a crush on for 7 or 8 years, but I am determined to not drink too much, take it easy and have a good time...not make an absolute fool of myself. So far, so good. I have gone out twice since my breakup and neither time drunkenly attacked any unsuspecting male friend or stranger. Maybe my "dirty thirties" will be a little cleaner than my super dirty twenties. And maybe, someday, I can retire my self earned title of "Spinster" and just be me.
Here's to hoping!

Ahh, so much better!

I saw a story on the news about blogging and this 9 year-old kid had the same template as me! Ack! I'm sure some 9 year-old girl has this one too, but what I don't know won't hurt me.

So, I went out with my friends for the first time in many years, and proceeded to drink too much and vomit up something that I'm sure belonged to my insides. Pretty sure I did some esophageal damage, so next time, I need to realize that alcohol takes a minute to process...it will catch up to me, and I need to SLOW DOWN.

Now I am planning my 30th birthday party and am hoping it goes well.

I met no one when I was out on Friday...actually I did, I believe his name was Mike, although, he was so fucked up that he could barely say it without spitting on me...needless to say, my standards are a little higher than Mike. Such a typical West Seattle guy. Yuk. So I have decided that I am going to go out with friends and just have fun, not worry about meeting guys, or anyone for that matter, and just enjoy my birthday.

The last time I had a birthday party was when i turned 25, and there were over 40 people there...I could only find 8 email addresses for the evite! What's up with that? Actually, a good handful of people are no longer living in Seattle, they have moved to greener pastures, but still...strange.

Too much in my head!

Last night I dreamt that I was dating an android version of Robert Downey Jr. He still looked the same, only he had almost no personality, until of course, I reached in his pants and all of a sudden he was his regular self...as I imagined anyway.
Ugh, too much in my head. I sleep and have dreams that make me more tired than when I went to sleep.
I am in the midst of an argument with a close friend and former short term F-Buddy who seems to think that all my cynicism and loneliness has to do with him and his leading me on. I will admit that there is some of that there, however, it takes more than a one-day/night stand to cause me such grief. I certainly have "been around the block" enough times to know that sexual encounters don't mean nearly as much after the fact, as they did at the time. I'm certainly not an idiot.
Although, I do really miss that momentary connection with another human being, the touching of a man's face, the feel of the stubble on my lips...the snuggling...I know I'm pathetic.
But what heterosexual girl doesn't like that? I'm only capable of disconnecting to a certain extent, not completely.
Once upon a time, when I was whoring around on a daily basis, I could disconnect, but at the same time, I was out for revenge against anyone with a penis, so I cannot say that it was a productive time.
And I am not looking to go back to that system, it hurt a lot of people, including myself and took a lot of therapy to fix it.
So I will go out on Friday night hoping to meet someone who I find the least bit intriguing and probably will go home disappointed and it will just keep going.
Christ! Somebody slap me already....this is fucking ridiculous.

Tired of disappointment

Once upon a time, a little girl imagined and sketched her future wedding dress, dreamed of meeting the man of her dreams, getting married, having kids and living the American Dream. But this little girl knew that she was different, she knew her imagination would eventually get in the way of any realistic notion of what love actually is and how to find it.
This little girl started off broken by a male extended family member, of course, what else is new, always the same story, no, she is not looking for a pity party.
As this little girl grew up, time and time again, the male part of the species was disappointing at every turn. Cheaters, liers, players and scared little babies.
Today, I am 2 weeks away from turning 30, and am feeling the never ending twinge of disappointment, and have decided to embrace and document my newly single life, and see if I can come up with any answers or solutions to this perpetual life of lustfull encounters and stunted relationships.
Maybe if anyone reads this, or has any questions, we can solve my problems with dating and relationships, as well as other people's issues.
My generation seems to be filled with a large percentage of men that are afraid of commitment of any kind, and women who are desperate to get married. Men who want to stay little boys forever and women that are full of diluted and irrational dreams of what love it...What is up with that? Why are you men so goddamned scared of falling in love? And why are we women so caught up in the idea of signing a piece of paper to give ownership of yourself to another person? And why the hell can't we figure out a happy fucking medium? It seems to me, that all of us are going to end up alone and unhappy and then we will die. Fuck the American Dream, let's figure something else out already!