A Momentary Lapse of Memory

I had an exciting moment. I was trying, for some reason to remember his last name, and I couldn't for the life of me remember it...I eventually did, but I was so happy that I am starting to forget him. Thank you God! Or whomever!

The Two Me's

I wonder if my brain is like every other brain out there? I feel like I have two people inside my head and they are in a constant state of disagreement. I need to brush my teeth...OK that's better. Some people are lucky in love, they are natural at it, even if the person they love doesn't love them back, they are always still in love. I think I used to be like that, I always was falling in love. Now, after a year and a half of being single again, I just don't feel anything. OK, that once I was crushing pretty hard, but since then, I don't even crush anymore. What if I'm here in this lonely place forever? Or even worse, what if I DO fall in love again? Will the baggage I have accumulated take it's place and sabotage anything that stands a chance? Will I become just like the boy I resented for bringing his baggage into our relationship? And if I escape the inevitable baggage scenario, when will I finally be able to move on and not compare people to him? When can I get rid of him altogether? God I'm so fucking tired of him invading my life, through my own head! I just want to feel something good again, without being afraid that it will blow up in my face and hurt me again! And aside from that, the relationship was a HORRIBLE relationship, so why am I mourning it? AM I mourning it? Or am I just really bitter from it? It was a good, no a great thing that I got out of it, and such a huge waste of my time, of my life, is that what makes me so angry? Or am I actually upset that our plans didn't work out, because it would have been so, incredibly horrible if I had moved with him. What the hell is my problem, anyway? Do you see what I'm saying about the two people arguing inside my head? One is pissed off that it didn't work out and the other is thanking god that it didn't. One wants to love again and one is scared to death to love again. One wishes my old crush all the happiness with his wife and the other desparately wants him to get divorced so I can have him. This goes for most aspects of life. Always in disagreement. Always.

Am I a stalker or just a curious party?

I googled my one crush I've had since my breakup, found his latest twitters about how his wife had roast beef on the table when he got home and blah blah blah. One one hand, I'm happy that he's happy and that the marriage was saved, but on the other, I'm secretly wishing the whole thing would come crashing down so he would become available. "Does it all come down to the thing one girl fears in the night? Is another girl's paradise." Yes, I believe that it does. I wouldn't have wanted a serious relationship with him, I would have just wanted someone to have some fun with, and then I would have gotten bored and moved on, but still...I can't help being a little jealous, considering I came close to catching a great guy.

My hair is now very short, I'm done putting on makeup and tweezing all my body and face hair, I'm so tired of the maintenance of being a girl. I plan on getting some skin products so I can get away with no makeup, which in itself is vanity at it's best, but I can only so fast with this giving up my vanity. It takes time to learn not to care.