To be or not to be?

Writing for the sake of writing. It's what I have to force myself to do on occasion when I don't have anything to legitimately complain about. There are many things that go through my head, but not much goes through my heart anymore. I feel like I'm disconnected from life, I just wake up and go through the motions until I can go back to sleep. It sounds totally unhealthy, but I swear I don't actually have anything to give a shit about at the moment. I'm going to see T this weekend, maybe that will put some spark back in my life, but it can't be allowed to put too much spark, for fear of obsession. Why am I such an extreme person? Is it really necessary to be so dramatic? Either I care too much, or don't care at all? And when I don't care at all, it makes me feel guilty for it. When I care too much, I try like hell to not care. Hmm? I need to find something I'm passionate about. I need to feel something again. I think my next job, whenever I decide to leave my seniors, will be working with animals. I am getting to be too jaded when it comes to losing people, and death in general. I don't fear it the way other people do, I expect it sooner rather than later. Not saying that I want to die, I just am fully aware than I am going to, so why fear the inevitable? It's silly to fear death. And yet, I struggle to get healthy and stop smoking, and for what? I guess, I don't want to be a statistic as far as dying of diabetes or lung cancer...oh no, that just wouldn't be fittin'. I want to go out with a bang...not a shotgun bang, but a good story...like a snakebite or cougar attack. Whenever I think about doomsday, (and I do quite often), I always imagine surviving it to see what the world looks like after. To be totally alone except for someone across the world who also thinks they are the only one left. With my disdain for society, I wonder if I would miss it? If I would get lonely and search out other survivors? Or would I finally be content with some fucking peace and quiet? Would I have better or worse writing material without anyone stimulating me with their nonsense? At this point, I feel like I need to be away from people and would welcome Apocalypse, but then there are always times when it's nice to see someone smile and laugh. I don't know what I want or don't want...what I feel or don't feel. I only know I'm not happy now and I don't know how to fix it.

Only Desire

The only thing I miss about a relationship with another person is the desire for them. I don't feel that hardly at all anymore. I don't feel the need to make connections with people who I'm going to hurt or abandon. What is the point, exactly?

I am just trying to protect myself. But desire, I miss desire. I miss being desired, I miss desiring someone. I miss the desire to drop everything and get in my car. Although, even if I had the desire, there really isn't anyone to drive to. Hmm...a dilemma.