Genuine Imitation Leather

Me...ever the oxymoron. I try to hard to be genuine, as much as I can be whilst being entirely fake. I had an entire day and an entire night with him, and had fun, my intentions were simple. I wanted to have a good time, without getting too attached or emotionally involved...I succeeded, but at what cost? He hugged me and kissed me as if it was the first day of the rest of our life and I just wanted him to leave me alone. He told me he wasn't sure where he would be tomorrow, if he would still be here, or if he would be across the country...I pretended to be supportive and to care one way or the other. I find myself reverting back to being the girl I was 6-7 years ago. Cold, detached, selfish until someone I cared about got hurt. I do care about this one, he is sweet, smart, GENUINE! He shared his philosophy with me, he shared his body and soul with me...As for me? I shaved my legs, painted my toenails, stocked up on condoms and alcohol in preparation of getting laid. That was my only goal, to get him into bed. I did not expect philosophy and emotions, I expected to party, have sex, then be done. Instead, there is another man out there that got way more from me than he expected and enjoyed all of it, and me, a woman who got way more than I wanted from him and now is not sure how to deal with it. I want to care about him, more than just another person, but I am not capable of it, I don't feel anything...not for him. There is the other man that I crave, that I love, that I want to be with forever, but he wanted me to date other people and explore the world beyond him, so I am, I did. I cried a few different times when no one was watching, whether out of guilt or heartbreak, I'm not sure, but I cried quite a bit, all about the fact that I can't have who I want and don't want who I have. And yet, I act like I want them, I pretend to care about their lives, their problems, their philosophy...and I fool them all the way through it. Genuine imitation. Why don't they understand that no one and nothing can be a genuine imitation of anything! I can be who they think I am temporarily, but ultimately, I'm an imitation of a genuine person. I don't know that I can avoid hurting someone who is already vulnerable and weak. But Goddammit all I wanted was to have a good time...why can't I turn this off? Why can't I turn that on? Why is he the only person who DOESN'T want me??? They are lining up...any of them I want, I just say the word and I can have them...but I want him. Do I continue to pretend? Why is it that he is the only one who would have an answer for me? I need him more now than ever.

Thanksgiving Day at work

I'm not really into Thanksgiving, I admit. It's really just another day and there is no sense in taking the day off when I get paid double time to work it. Money makes the world go round, after all. But I must admit that there is a small amount of sentiment that seems to be making me a little sad today. Perhaps these feelings are due to this being my first holiday season without the ex, and it always was a big production, and now, not only is it not as big, but it is not at all a production! Perhaps it is knowing that I will be going home to a quiet house, just as quiet as every other night, will take the cold food out of the fridge and try to reheat it without over microwaving, and sitting with my best friend, Tivo, watching reruns of Two and a Half Men, just like every other night. Perhaps it is that I was so concerned about making everyone else feel like there is no reason to be sad today, that I forgot to convince myself, that not only am I alone, but my family is scattered around the world and there is still another few weeks before my brothers come home. Maybe I'm offended that no one ever asks me how I feel about it, or that when they do I lie and tell them I'm fine with no celebration. Maybe I bring this all on myself. Maybe I need to stop being such a little bitch and appreciate that I have a job and a family and even though we aren't together today, we will be together soon. Yes, I think that is the way to go. I must slap the pessimism out of me and allow the optimism to empower me. No more moping. I will enjoy my pizza rolls and toaster strudels and shut my fucking mouth already...that is until I get home and heat up the leftovers.