Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Shame
The spinster strikes again. I don't know why I keep doing this. I had no intention of saying what I said or doing what I did. I really didn't. It's like part of me wants there to be drama and pain, however, it certainly isn't the part of me that is experiencing the enormous sense of shame right now. I hate myself sometimes. Every time I close my eyes, I have a flash of some moment and then feel the shame all over again. FUCK. If I could take off my own head for a few hours, it would make life a lot easier. Did I destroy something that I cherished? I may have. I hope I didn't, but I wouldn't be surprised. Stupid Spinster!
As It Turns Out...
Tonight turned out to be an extreme night, after all. I know what I said. I know what I agreed to. And I know what happened in the end.
All I need now is to spend the night with my man. My NOW man. The one who is easy.
I don't know that I can do what I agreed to do. I guess I AM a narcissist. Then again, it is MY blog, and therefore, shouldn't it be about ME?
I'm exhausted. Lucy has met Spike, Elijah and Fuzz, and in the next week I will bring her inside. I will also, in the next week, try like hell to forget about tonight. To forget about everything except what is happening NOW. It IS my blog. I will write what I feel, when I feel it. Whatever it may be. This is my legacy. My thoughts, written out for all to read. '
This spinster is indeed a narcissist. So be it.
All I need now is to spend the night with my man. My NOW man. The one who is easy.
I don't know that I can do what I agreed to do. I guess I AM a narcissist. Then again, it is MY blog, and therefore, shouldn't it be about ME?
I'm exhausted. Lucy has met Spike, Elijah and Fuzz, and in the next week I will bring her inside. I will also, in the next week, try like hell to forget about tonight. To forget about everything except what is happening NOW. It IS my blog. I will write what I feel, when I feel it. Whatever it may be. This is my legacy. My thoughts, written out for all to read. '
This spinster is indeed a narcissist. So be it.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Why Does There Gotta Be A Sacrifice?
*Disclaimer* Anything I say in this post is probably fueled by some out of control hormones, so bear with me. Thanks! *
That's what I thought...however, this new person in my life is surprisingly easy to sleep next to. He doesn't snore. He doesn't smell. He snuggles me when I cannot fall asleep. He is all around awesome and I am trying like hell NOT to look for the faults, and have been successful thus far! As he sleeps in my Missy's spot, I'm still happy that he's here. Missy will be fine. She will have me all to myself for the next few nights.
On a different note, the pizza business isn't paying off like I hoped it would. I have an opportunity to reenter the rat race and make a lot of money for it. Thanks M. So we shall see how that goes.
Hmm...a new boy, a possible new job, (if I make enough money) a new apartment?
I really am appreciative of my parents and all they have given me, however, I MUST get the fuck out of here! I'm 32 years old and I need my own space. Admittedly, when they were on the East Coast this last month, we had a great time without them. It was nice having freedom to do what we wanted, when we wanted, with whomever we wanted! Both J and I did not want them to come home.
I thought I was at a crossroads when I left my job with the old people, however, I think the crossroad is still presenting itself to me.
I lost an ex-resident the other day. It was the first time since I left there. So sad. I will be attending the catholic funeral on Wednesday, which will be around 4 hours, I presume. Ah well, it's worth it for Kathie. She was a lovely lady! I keep hearing her voice inside my head. She used to accidentally call me Miranda, even though she knew my name. I loved it. Her husband, now a widower, is also awesome and I hope he sticks around for a bit. They were married for a really long time, however, and who knows if he can get along without her. Growing old seems so unfair. Then again, if we didn't grow old, who knows if we would LEARN as much? I am convinced that with an open enough mind, by the time we get old, we know just about everything. The key is to keep the mind OPEN. Take it all in! Don't be satisfied knowing what you know! Must keep learning and growing, even though you feel too tired to keep learning. Is that the Murphy's Law people are always talking about? When you get to a certain age, you stop caring to learn anymore? Or do you simply know EVERYTHING you are ever going to KNOW for sure?
One thing I KNOW for sure...is that there is a sweet, wonderful man in my bed and I really want to go snuggle with him. Although, he stole my pillow, I will manage. He really IS a wonderful person. He helps me to forget about all the other lovers I've ever had. It's a really nice feeling. AND...I'm just going with the flow, not worrying about whether he will offer me a commitment or whatever. I'm having a great time. He's a great kisser and great in bed, and aside from that, what would having super high expectations get me? NOTHING. It would drive him away. So I make a conscious effort to just be myself. Funny how it takes so much work to be NORMAL!
Wish me luck. I'm off.
Spinster.
That's what I thought...however, this new person in my life is surprisingly easy to sleep next to. He doesn't snore. He doesn't smell. He snuggles me when I cannot fall asleep. He is all around awesome and I am trying like hell NOT to look for the faults, and have been successful thus far! As he sleeps in my Missy's spot, I'm still happy that he's here. Missy will be fine. She will have me all to myself for the next few nights.
On a different note, the pizza business isn't paying off like I hoped it would. I have an opportunity to reenter the rat race and make a lot of money for it. Thanks M. So we shall see how that goes.
Hmm...a new boy, a possible new job, (if I make enough money) a new apartment?
I really am appreciative of my parents and all they have given me, however, I MUST get the fuck out of here! I'm 32 years old and I need my own space. Admittedly, when they were on the East Coast this last month, we had a great time without them. It was nice having freedom to do what we wanted, when we wanted, with whomever we wanted! Both J and I did not want them to come home.
I thought I was at a crossroads when I left my job with the old people, however, I think the crossroad is still presenting itself to me.
I lost an ex-resident the other day. It was the first time since I left there. So sad. I will be attending the catholic funeral on Wednesday, which will be around 4 hours, I presume. Ah well, it's worth it for Kathie. She was a lovely lady! I keep hearing her voice inside my head. She used to accidentally call me Miranda, even though she knew my name. I loved it. Her husband, now a widower, is also awesome and I hope he sticks around for a bit. They were married for a really long time, however, and who knows if he can get along without her. Growing old seems so unfair. Then again, if we didn't grow old, who knows if we would LEARN as much? I am convinced that with an open enough mind, by the time we get old, we know just about everything. The key is to keep the mind OPEN. Take it all in! Don't be satisfied knowing what you know! Must keep learning and growing, even though you feel too tired to keep learning. Is that the Murphy's Law people are always talking about? When you get to a certain age, you stop caring to learn anymore? Or do you simply know EVERYTHING you are ever going to KNOW for sure?
One thing I KNOW for sure...is that there is a sweet, wonderful man in my bed and I really want to go snuggle with him. Although, he stole my pillow, I will manage. He really IS a wonderful person. He helps me to forget about all the other lovers I've ever had. It's a really nice feeling. AND...I'm just going with the flow, not worrying about whether he will offer me a commitment or whatever. I'm having a great time. He's a great kisser and great in bed, and aside from that, what would having super high expectations get me? NOTHING. It would drive him away. So I make a conscious effort to just be myself. Funny how it takes so much work to be NORMAL!
Wish me luck. I'm off.
Spinster.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
