Genuine Imitation Leather

Me...ever the oxymoron. I try to hard to be genuine, as much as I can be whilst being entirely fake. I had an entire day and an entire night with him, and had fun, my intentions were simple. I wanted to have a good time, without getting too attached or emotionally involved...I succeeded, but at what cost? He hugged me and kissed me as if it was the first day of the rest of our life and I just wanted him to leave me alone. He told me he wasn't sure where he would be tomorrow, if he would still be here, or if he would be across the country...I pretended to be supportive and to care one way or the other. I find myself reverting back to being the girl I was 6-7 years ago. Cold, detached, selfish until someone I cared about got hurt. I do care about this one, he is sweet, smart, GENUINE! He shared his philosophy with me, he shared his body and soul with me...As for me? I shaved my legs, painted my toenails, stocked up on condoms and alcohol in preparation of getting laid. That was my only goal, to get him into bed. I did not expect philosophy and emotions, I expected to party, have sex, then be done. Instead, there is another man out there that got way more from me than he expected and enjoyed all of it, and me, a woman who got way more than I wanted from him and now is not sure how to deal with it. I want to care about him, more than just another person, but I am not capable of it, I don't feel anything...not for him. There is the other man that I crave, that I love, that I want to be with forever, but he wanted me to date other people and explore the world beyond him, so I am, I did. I cried a few different times when no one was watching, whether out of guilt or heartbreak, I'm not sure, but I cried quite a bit, all about the fact that I can't have who I want and don't want who I have. And yet, I act like I want them, I pretend to care about their lives, their problems, their philosophy...and I fool them all the way through it. Genuine imitation. Why don't they understand that no one and nothing can be a genuine imitation of anything! I can be who they think I am temporarily, but ultimately, I'm an imitation of a genuine person. I don't know that I can avoid hurting someone who is already vulnerable and weak. But Goddammit all I wanted was to have a good time...why can't I turn this off? Why can't I turn that on? Why is he the only person who DOESN'T want me??? They are lining up...any of them I want, I just say the word and I can have them...but I want him. Do I continue to pretend? Why is it that he is the only one who would have an answer for me? I need him more now than ever.