Not so dirty at 30

I keep trying to rediscover myself as the spinster I used to be, and cannot seem to pull it off. Unfortunately, I am plagued by a need for something more meaningful, and I am trying so hard not to look for what I want, although, am keeping my eyes open. Is that the same thing? Is keeping your eyes peeled the same as seeking something out? 5 years ago, I would not have cared about whether anyone would show up to go out for my birthday, and I would have just gone out on my own, but I could not do it this time. What is that about? Where is the wild girl that wasn't afraid of the world beyond my house? And why am I incapable of getting that person out of my heart and mind? I used to be so good at rejection. Now I constantly feel the twinge of heartbreak and can't shake it, but desperately want to and need to. I don't feel like I can go be my real self without consuming way too much alcohol, and then I'm a total idiot...and I always feel like it's just me, like no one else seems to understand or relate. Hence the fact that I am blogging to an invisible audience.
I have about 8 movies to watch between today and tomorrow, none of which I want to see, but will watch nonetheless. Off I go to the land of Michael Moore...