Bring Me My Dinner, Bitch!

The dynamic of the married couple is astounding to me. I watch my senior citizen couples who have been married since the stone age and at first, they seem sweet and gives a spinster like me hope that marriage can work and be wonderful. But then, as time passes by, I realize that these couples who are still married are, in fact, just as a close friend of mine describes every relationship. There is the controller and the controlled. Generally, it seems the woman is the controller, and the man the controlled. But that is because the majority of people in this place are women, and therefore, an accurate study is not possible. The widows all claim that their husbands were saints, wonderful men who took very good care of them. But the couples who are still both alive and together have a different story. The resentment is very apparent in these couples. Imagine being controlled for 60 years of your life by one person. For some people, this relationship could be a parent, but for most it is a spouse. I'm not sure if the controller experiences as much resentment as the controlled, but it is definitely there. I only know three couples, at this point in my life, who seem to have it together right now, although, if I look closer, the signs of inevitable resentment is sprouting in all three. I wonder, if "T" is right? If we had another relationship, he says I would be the controller, even though, I am pretty submissive in general, and so is he, but he claims he would submit to being controlled. I am pretty damn positive that I do not want anything to do with that dynamic. He says that it is just the way things progress when you label a relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend, and then fiancees, and then husband/wife, that as those labels are placed, the relationship turns into the controller/controlled dynamic. Why does a healthy relationship between two people who care for one another have to morph into the less extreme version of master and slave? Is there a way to be with the person you love without letting it evolve into a resentful, drawn out path of unhappiness? The last time I tried, I played the slave role, I was under the control of someone else, and am struggling to find my footing now. I would not be any happier if I were the controller, because I think that a relationship should be an equal partnership of two people who want to be around each other. But no matter how many books I read, and how many hopeful couples I come across, I see the same thing over and over and it makes me want to avoid it all and remain the spinster that I am. Then again, to remain in the same place all the time is to stunt evolution of the human mind, and we can't have that. My goal, aside from finding an apartment that won't suck me dry financially, is to figure out how to make a good thing last, and not let it fall into that pattern of resentment and inevitable disdain for your life partner, and all that unhappy shit. It seems like a grueling task, but I have to try...to be continued...

Cheers to a New Year!

The new year is upon us and I have hope for it. I will be with friends and family, am hoping to start a new life this year. I am anxious to move on to a brand new year without the 200 pounds that were weighing me down for the last five years. Yes, it will be a good year. Am I trying to convince myself of this? No, I already have. I'm excited to pursue my new life. CHEERS!

Great Expectations...

I put an ad on Craigslist calling all geeks. I got over 70 responses in 24 hours and thought I'd hit the jackpot, though many of them were not what I was looking for, or I was not what they were looking for. I did meet a couple of keepers from the pile of emails, as if emails are capable of piling, and even decided to meet one that I was particularly fond of. We have a lot in common, he's smart, funny and cute...and "getting divorced"? As usual, I took that to mean actually getting divorced, like the papers are signed and all that. So after several emails and phone conversations, I decided to meet him in person for a drink after work. We had a great evening together, talked for a couple of hours, had a first kiss and I went home. Elated as I was, I noticed that something in him had changed. He had not changed, which was refreshing, because most guys do, but he didn't seem as excited as he was at first. We had made plans for a second date, or so to speak, and I asked him to be my date for New Year's Eve and he accepted...but then, he started to write. I'm happy he was able to see the benefit of putting your soul out on paper, or computer screen rather, but as he reflected, he began to question whether or not to go "crawling back" to his estranged wife. And it was then, I realized that I was, yet again, putting myself at risk of being hurt. I have been in this situation before and although in that case, I didn't really like him that much, I still was hurt by the whole situation, and I had to wonder why I expect so much from other people and don't expect much FOR myself. Why do I keep sabotaging myself? So we both decided, after my prompt, to step back until he figures his shit out, and I felt a little sad. He truly is a catch, but is all conflicted and I just am going to lose. He said IF he signs the divorce papers, he would call, but should I even allow myself to be available? He never lied, he was up front about it all, even about his feelings regarding his marriage and such, but I feel defensive now, and I am not sure what to think about it all. I really liked him, and I felt a tiny bit of heartbreak when it was over...in fact, it was the first time in a long time I really liked someone. So do I expect that I will ever see him again...?? I'm not so sure. It seemed like the perfect plan, I place an ad calling all geeks and nerds, I find a couple to keep around and hopefully connect with someone, and I have, don't get me wrong. I have a new friend who I like talking to, but I'm not sure what his expectations are of me. I've been hurt 3 times in the last year, including the most recent, and I'm wondering if I am being too defensive or what? Maybe just having a friend to talk to is all I really should expect right now. Maybe I shouldn't be out in the dating world. What if I'm still damaged? What if everyone is too damaged to deal with my damaged soul? Maybe I'm just rationalizing because I'm still a little miffed that I can't seem to get the knack of this whole dating thing. My relationships are ALWAYS so dysfunctional, maybe I am doomed to be the spinster in distress forever and ever. Gawd, how depressing. Maybe my expectations are way too great, and all my fantasies are ruining my attempts at reality.

What the fuck am I doing wrong?

Genuine Imitation Leather

Me...ever the oxymoron. I try to hard to be genuine, as much as I can be whilst being entirely fake. I had an entire day and an entire night with him, and had fun, my intentions were simple. I wanted to have a good time, without getting too attached or emotionally involved...I succeeded, but at what cost? He hugged me and kissed me as if it was the first day of the rest of our life and I just wanted him to leave me alone. He told me he wasn't sure where he would be tomorrow, if he would still be here, or if he would be across the country...I pretended to be supportive and to care one way or the other. I find myself reverting back to being the girl I was 6-7 years ago. Cold, detached, selfish until someone I cared about got hurt. I do care about this one, he is sweet, smart, GENUINE! He shared his philosophy with me, he shared his body and soul with me...As for me? I shaved my legs, painted my toenails, stocked up on condoms and alcohol in preparation of getting laid. That was my only goal, to get him into bed. I did not expect philosophy and emotions, I expected to party, have sex, then be done. Instead, there is another man out there that got way more from me than he expected and enjoyed all of it, and me, a woman who got way more than I wanted from him and now is not sure how to deal with it. I want to care about him, more than just another person, but I am not capable of it, I don't feel anything...not for him. There is the other man that I crave, that I love, that I want to be with forever, but he wanted me to date other people and explore the world beyond him, so I am, I did. I cried a few different times when no one was watching, whether out of guilt or heartbreak, I'm not sure, but I cried quite a bit, all about the fact that I can't have who I want and don't want who I have. And yet, I act like I want them, I pretend to care about their lives, their problems, their philosophy...and I fool them all the way through it. Genuine imitation. Why don't they understand that no one and nothing can be a genuine imitation of anything! I can be who they think I am temporarily, but ultimately, I'm an imitation of a genuine person. I don't know that I can avoid hurting someone who is already vulnerable and weak. But Goddammit all I wanted was to have a good time...why can't I turn this off? Why can't I turn that on? Why is he the only person who DOESN'T want me??? They are lining up...any of them I want, I just say the word and I can have them...but I want him. Do I continue to pretend? Why is it that he is the only one who would have an answer for me? I need him more now than ever.

Thanksgiving Day at work

I'm not really into Thanksgiving, I admit. It's really just another day and there is no sense in taking the day off when I get paid double time to work it. Money makes the world go round, after all. But I must admit that there is a small amount of sentiment that seems to be making me a little sad today. Perhaps these feelings are due to this being my first holiday season without the ex, and it always was a big production, and now, not only is it not as big, but it is not at all a production! Perhaps it is knowing that I will be going home to a quiet house, just as quiet as every other night, will take the cold food out of the fridge and try to reheat it without over microwaving, and sitting with my best friend, Tivo, watching reruns of Two and a Half Men, just like every other night. Perhaps it is that I was so concerned about making everyone else feel like there is no reason to be sad today, that I forgot to convince myself, that not only am I alone, but my family is scattered around the world and there is still another few weeks before my brothers come home. Maybe I'm offended that no one ever asks me how I feel about it, or that when they do I lie and tell them I'm fine with no celebration. Maybe I bring this all on myself. Maybe I need to stop being such a little bitch and appreciate that I have a job and a family and even though we aren't together today, we will be together soon. Yes, I think that is the way to go. I must slap the pessimism out of me and allow the optimism to empower me. No more moping. I will enjoy my pizza rolls and toaster strudels and shut my fucking mouth already...that is until I get home and heat up the leftovers.

5 Years in a Relationship and All I Got was FAT

I'm feeling damaged, like I wasted so much of my good time. Now I'm 30 and my belly is fatter and my skin isn't as bright, and I think I wasted 5 of my best or rather, most opportunistic years.
I keep meeting men that are just as, if not more, damaged as I am. One I met, might be a keeper...he is just as emotionally unavailable as I am, but also is a passionate person that thinks about more than just himself. I'm not going to write too much about him, because I don't want to jinx it, but I'm finding myself thinking of him a lot.
The guy I met from last week apparently has the longest running migraine headache in the world, because I haven't heard from him. He was kind of an elitist anyway, one of those hip hop snobs that only listens to early underground freestyle hip hop...whatever, I like Tupac, and Biggie, Ludacris and even Kanye West! So there.
Beyoncé has nailed it yet again...If I Were a Boy is a perfect song...I think I wrote a poem similar to it once when I was younger...but she vocalizes it very well.
I have to say that these online dating sites bring out the freaks from every direction! I have met some strange boys. Also a couple of nice guys, that I am hoping to keep as friends. One in particular, I think he's gay, he's cute enough to be gay, and there are certain things that make me wonder. I hope he is. I need a gay guy friend. I wish my therapist was still around.
Well that's all for now.

Spinster

Try as I might...

I wonder who writes in Web dings? Anyone could decode it. What is the point of Web dings?

So I've officially kicked off my re-entry into the dating scene. I am meeting some really nice guys, and I'm trying really hard to like them, but try as I might, there is still only one who I can belong to. I try not to play games, but I admit that I have ulterior motive and that in my attempt to give myself to someone else, the one will figure out that he needs to grab on to me and not let go. I think it might be working. At the same time, I'm so sexually frustrated and wonder if scratching this particular itch with someone else will maybe make it easier to deal with it all or make me feel like a rotten spinster? Oh the conflict.

I wonder if anyone reads this?