Embracing the Chaos?

I am feeling many different emotions at the moment. I feel sad, because I heard a song that reminded me of Kerry. I'm feeling contemplative because of my future plans and current situation. I feel like talking to someone, however, I don't know what I would say, and the only two people available are cynical and make a lot of jokes...one makes more jokes than the other, but they are the only ones awake now. I feel like crying because of it all. I need to write to try to get it all out of my head. I don't really have anything specific to say...I feel...blank. I feel like a piece of paper that has on it, too many scribbles to make out anything that can be called a picture. I feel pain. My body is making clear it's exhaustion. I feel like I could use a hug. I don't feel like being touched. I feel like I am in desperate need of someone who can hug me without it being weird. It used to be easier when times were less complicated...before a long, drawn out hug led to sex. Sex is great, but it's not what I need...being held is what I want and need. I feel sad that I push people away who might have been available to hold me. I feel sad that the rest can't be trusted. I feel sad for the resident who's story of childhood and adulthood was so incredibly horrible, and wish she could have experienced love. I feel sad that Georgia isn't around. Georgia would have understood. I feel sad that my babies really want me to go lay down and snuggle and that I'm not ready to yet. I feel sad that I only have a couple hours each day to really spend with them. I feel angry that my job takes up so much of my fucking time that even the idea of school makes me more exhausted. I feel like I am wasting time. I feel like it would make it better if people just knew. I feel excited and sad that I won't have children. Only slightly sad...mostly excited. I wish my body would stop hurting. I hate money. I hate that I NEED money. I hate that I work hard to make money, and give it all away to vendors and bill collectors. Ok, bill collectors don't really get any...some do. The important ones. I wish I had done better. I don't regret doing it poorly. These things plague me. My brain is overloaded with puzzles that I can't seem to solve. Maybe it's not time to solve them. Maybe I'll know when it IS time. Maybe not, and I will miss my opportunity. Maybe my birth control is finally wearing off after 3 years and I'm simply PMS-ing? Who knows. Who EVER knows? I am happy that I didn't misspell one word.