Menstruation

"Never trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die!" Indeed. It's been 3 years since I last had a period, and I can honestly say I DID NOT miss it. This is most horrible. The pain alone is close to unbearable, the irritability almost caused a murder earlier today, but the worst part, by far, is the bleeding. I seriously should be unconscious by now. How can there be so much blood??? Amazing.

I would think that once the fallopian tubes are blocked off, the ovulation process should cease. It really should. However, as nature has shown us time and time again, that no matter how much we fuck with it's course, it will always win in the end. Maybe my body is making up for lost time due to my own messing with nature through birth control pills for the last 3 years? I don't know. I do know that I am not happy. Chocolate helps boys! It truly does. For 10 minutes today I forgot that I was in agony and enjoyed a rich, chocolaty lava cake. I felt giddy and wonderful...like the last time I menstruated and my mom gave me an Oxycontin. Bliss! No pain! No worries! And then it was over.

I went to the store to buy my "products" and had been out of the loop so long, I forgot the brand and type I preferred. I did however, find a PMS medicine that was made my a company that figured out that putting a mild sedative in the medicine would decrease the chances of a homicide...it's brilliant really. So I take two of those every 4 hours or so, and I might can manage the rest with other pills. Ibuprofen. Acetaminophen. Aspirin. Careful when you stand up, make sure everything is in place! FUCK.

This is mother nature at her worst. Cruel and unusual punishment for what?? For being female? It's not right! Stella Artois helped a little. But I don't even have the proper underwear for this anymore. Must make a trip to Target to get my "Period underwear"...yes that's right boys...we have to have special underwear that can be abused and stained by mother nature in all her cruelty. Bitch. And you too MOON. You also are a BITCH. And thanks to both of you, SO AM I!

Wish me luck on my job interview tomorrow. I want to call and reschedule, but I that would give the impression that I ALWAYS call in sick when I'm bleeding. Which I don't. This job could be perfect...I only have to use my good customer service skills for about 5 minutes for each customer. I will spend most of my time in my car and can be a bitch there, and fake it for 5 minutes at a time. It will be good. I can fake it through my interview. I COULD call and say that this is my first period in 3 years, so it's particularly horrible, but no, too much information for a guy who might be my boss. He doesn't deserve that. It will be fine.

Ok, I've officially been sitting in this position for too long and must stand up, slowly, and go back to bed and finish watching Weeds. Careful, careful, ok.

Disclaimer: I thought about apologizing in advance for this to my male readers, but fuck it...you don't have to experience it, and might learn a thing or two from my brutal and graphic honesty. Chocolate. Chocolate. Keep your mouth shut. Chocolate. You're welcome.